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Quick facts: * Adopted at birth, closed adoption, 31 years ago, always knew I was adopted, completely love my adopted family ("real" parents & sibling, etc.) * Jurisdiction changed their adoption laws to make identifying information available to adoptees and birth parents, unless a veto was filed. * Got in contact with my birth father this week via a Facebook search based upon identifying information. * Contact has gone well. * Birth mother is also contactable via Facebook, listed as a "friend" of my birth father. * Birth father requested he begin contact with birth mother; I've been waiting since then to hear back. So, this is all good. It's been a really strange and emotional week, but overall I'm happy with how it has gone. But there's a couple possible roadbumps on the horizon. My birth mother has a family now, and she's never told them about my existence. I think she might not want to have contact with me because of her family. I believe that this is her choice, and I'd understand it if this was the case. It'd be disappointing, but I think she has that right. I'm also OK with waiting while she figures this out; although, I kinda think that after 31 years one would've had a plan for if this happened. Roadbump #2 is that bdad and bmom had another child together, less than two years later after me, that they kept. A full biological sister to me, now 29 years old, raised primarily by bmom. I'm OK with them having another child and keeping it. Two years makes a big difference; for them, it was the difference between being in high school and having finished it. The timing was better, and this is OK. I'm concerned that if bmom doesn't want contact with me (which is OK), that would mean she also wouldn't tell my biological sister about me. I'm interested in getting in touch with her, and I feel that she's an adult, and she deserves to make a decision about that herself. So, basically, even if my birth mother decides she doesn't want contact with me, I think I would contact my biological sister directly. Would I be in the right, or the wrong? Is it selfish of me to consider impacting someone else's life, and their relationship with their mom, just because I want to say hi? Didn't my birth mother do the wrong thing by not telling her family? I feel like that's on her and not me. This question is all hypothetical based upon something that hasn't happened yet, but, I can't stop thinking about it.
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First of all, I am wondering why your b-dad wanted to be the one to contact your mother. Maybe it softens the blow for her. I don't know. But, I wouldn't take anyone's word on what your b-mom has decided to do regarding reunion. Make sure you hear it or read it directly from her.There isn't a right or wrong to contacting your siblings. But, if your mother ends up asking you not to contact your siblings, you may have to decide between a relationship with her or with your siblings. And, often the siblings will side with the parent, so you might be left out in the cold.If she decides she doesn't want the other siblings to know, the best option might be to give her some time to adjust to you reentering her life. She may come around and decide to tell her children about you.... If after some time has passed, she still chooses not to say anything, then, you'll have some decisions to make.My mother asked me not to contact my siblings. Since they are so much younger than me and clearly have nothing much in common with me, I agreed. It seemed pointless for me to disrupt their world just to say, "Hi, I exist." But, you are family. And, you do have a right to introduce yourself to your adult siblings, if that's what you want to do.Just take things slowly. Right now, I'm sure you're mind is going a million miles a minute. You've just begun reunion. It's quite a ride.... Just try to take everything one step at a time and try not to rush into things.
I'm not 100% sure the reason why my birth-dad asked to take care of contact. I am aware that this person is a stranger to me and I don't have a reason to trust him right now, so I will be wary of anything that's just his word.Thanks for your input, L4R. Sounds very rational to me. I will be very patient, but I appreciate your conclusion that I do have a right to introduce myself (if it comes to making that choice).
I think you have the right to contact your sister. She has a right to know you and you to know her. Your biological mother should have told her about you and if she didn't then please give her a head's up so she can do the right thing. The only thing I want to add is that biological siblings are not always receptive to contact or relationships if they feel they need to protect their parents. Unfortunately my relinquished daughter at one time was critical of me and her biological father. She voiced this to my raised children. I understood she has issues with being adopted and reunion is hard. My children are not forgiving at all, and even though my daughter and I are back on track, they refuse to have anything to do with her and discourage me from talking with her. Just as you are loyal to your "real" parents, please keep in mind that your biological siblings may share this loyalty to their "real" parents. It gets complicated.........
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It's been a few months - now that some time has passed, I'm wondering if you have been in touch with your birthmother at all.Like the others above, I certainly believe that you have every right to contact your biological sibling if you want to. Just be aware that you might be opening a can of worms when you do...If you're still around and checking in here, I hope you'll update and let people know how it's going for you.I wish you luck!
Glad that someone revived this this thread, would love to hear a status update if you're still around, dgulf. I have come at this bio-sibling reunion thing from both sides. My saga is in the threads, somewhere, but the short version is that I had younger sisters that were adopted as infants and I was adopted later, when I was ten years old. I always knew my sisters were out there and I hoped they would come looking for me. that said, since I knew their ages, I expected my first sister to find me when I was out of college. And if she had waited until she was 18, I would have been. But she didn't. Her A-parents helped her search when she was 15. I was in my sophomore year of college when I got the email that changed my life forever. I am, now, so glad that she found me no matter how it happened, but at the time, the contact utterly destroyed me. And I knew it was coming someday! You've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread already, but I disagree that there is "no right or wrong way" to contact. I would advise you to tread lightly, move slowly. You are right to be concerned that you may be disrupting someone's life, and that disruption may have unwelcome repercussions (for everyone involved, including you, unfortunately). I can't help mentioning that I sense a little bit of antagonism toward your bmom in your initial post. No judgement, it is an absolutely natural reaction to have, but I wonder if you are aware of it. You say "I kinda think that after 31 years one would've had a plan for if this happened...." and " Didn't my birth mother do the wrong thing by not telling her family? I feel like that's on her and not me." I would only say that no one can create a plan for reunion, because every reunion and every person is different. (even though I eagerly awaited my own reunion with my b-family and my sisters, I could not have known how I would feel, that I would be randomly struck with panic attacks and lose my voice for three months. Weird things happen in reunion.) And whether it was right or wrong of your b-mom to avoid telling your sister about you is irrelevant. It is what she did. Just like you and your a-parents, she is a human being who sometimes makes mistakes, even when she is trying to do what it is best. I only point this out b/c holding onto ideas about who is Right and who is Wrong may not serve you well in the very murky area of reunion. It is not a quiz or a race, no one is going to Win at Reunion.
I believe my birthmother didn't tell my brothers about my existence because she was trying to protect them or she simply felt some shame about the situation. I am not sure about my father's position on this except he said when I asked why he didn't search for me that he felt it was up to me. He did say "you don't owe us anything; we owe you" referring to both side of the adoption them and my adopted parents. I've washed my hands of the whole thing at this point because of a situation that came up after my father became ill. My brothers were of course confused and loyal to my birthmother. They tip toe around my birthfather because he is like me. We throw out exactly how we are feeling and hope everyone can do the same. I think my birthmother felt responsible for the omission of the truth because she seems to attempt to be some kind of martyr. Likely because she hasn't dealt with some of the issues. But she was seething with resentment when we spoke privately. She would lash out and then apologize. I got sick of it. I miss my brothers though and hopefully they will come around. If they don't at least I tried. I am not about to play the game. If they want a relationship I will be there; if not I will not waste a lot of time worrying about it. I hope they will come to understand how constipated things were.
snowwhite4965
You've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread already, but I disagree that there is "no right or wrong way" to contact.
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emerald23, thanks for bumping this thread and bringing me back to give you an update. :-) In short, my original post was extremely premature. The idea of my birthmother not wanting to be in contact with me was scary, and in just a few days, had me spiralling into doubts and worst-cases that were not something I should have been thinking about. The actual events that occurred were better than I had hoped for, and nothing like I feared. The same day that I got in contact with my birthfather, he contacted my birthmother. My birthmother called my biosister the same day to tell her about me. So, in fact, at the time I wrote the original posting here, my biosister already knew about me. My birthmother got in touch about a week later through Facebook, and we've basically been in contact every day since then for four months. I travelled across the country to meet my birthmother, biosister, and two half-bio-sisters in November, and, while awkward as hell at times, it was a great trip. I don't want to derail the topic of this thread with my reunion story, so, now that I'm in contact with everyone it is very interesting to think back to the original questions I had when I wrote the OP. Would I have been in the right, or the wrong, to contact my biosister directly? Well, I can say that I doubt I would have have been able to establish a relationship with her, and I definitely would have been the cause of damage to her relationship with her mom. So, reality, in my specific case, would've been that direct contact would have been a negative experience for everyone. Other people, other situations, might have been different. Is it selfish of me to consider impacting someone else's life, and their relationship with their mom, just because I want to say hi? I'm not sure, let's look up the word 'selfish' first: "lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure". I certainly considered the impact that this action would have on others, but, I wasn't going to let the potential negative impacts stop me. That might be selfish. Didn't my birth mother do the wrong thing by not telling her family? This is probably not my question to answer; I wasn't affected by her choice to not tell her children about their unaffiliated sibling. Based upon what I've heard from them, they don't think it was the best decision... but they also still love their mom, and they'll accept it. snowwhite4965, you're right, there was some antagonism in my initial post. I was frustrated at reunion not moving forward, even though it had been _four_days_ since I had first gotten in contact with anyone. In retrospect... completely ridiculous. I needed a dose of patience. But, it was not a time for sober thought; it was a time for lack of sleep, lack of focus, and complete confusion. I'm glad that has settled. :-)
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New here. My biological older brother (given up for adoption 50 years ago) has found and contacted my mother (who raised me and my younger brother). I have been desperately wondering who/where he was for 26 years. My mother insists I must wait to contact him until she feels it is “right” but will not tell me how long or why (a bunch of different reasons). I have asked her several times about him before he found her and she would never answer my questions or let me try to find him. Based on the few things she told me about him now that he has contacted her, I was able to find him on Facebook. I am seeking advice - should I contact him?view less
Hi Maryjane,I see this is an old thread and haven't read anyone's post here but yours. I am in the opposite boat, as I am the one who was given up and am considering contacting my paternal siblings. In general, I would say, he is fifty years old, yes, contact him, don't waste any time. However, in your case, I would consider your mother. How is your relationship with her? Can you have an open, honest conversation with her about WHY she thinks you should wait? Is it because she is feeling nervous about it? Is your brother angry? Family relationships can be so complicated, and I would never want to see you hurt your relationship with your own mother. But- if she doesn't have a good reason why you should wait- if I were you, I would reach out. I for one would have been absolutely thrilled to have a sibling reach out to me. I have wondered about them for forty years.Good luck and let us know how it goes.Marissamarrisa@findmyfam.com