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So basically, when bio was denied parole the judge said that TPR needs to be filed...right now TPR is set for end of August.
So I get a call from Niece's caseworker saying Bio is wanting a FTM BUT only DH can attend.
I asked if she's allowed to do that and the CW said yes. I got an email today saying she followed up with her supervisor who confirmed that parents can exclude FPs from the meeting if they want. She suggested that I make sure that DH and I discuss in depth our positions on open adoption and anything else we thing we might need to discuss so "my voice can be heard."
DH said he'll go but refuse to discuss anything regarding post adoptive contact, etc...but it frankly ticks me off. She's my daughter, I'M her primary care giver, I'm home with her all day, I'm the one she trusts, I'm the one who will have to deal with any post adoptive contact (DH works 60 hrs/week)...but I'm the one being specifically excluded. 1st of all, I think the meeting is a waste of time, 2nd I think that they are going to try to convince my husband to agree to an open adoption in exchange for her relinquishing her rights and that's just not going to happen.
IDK why my agency believes DH and I are going to allow this woman to divide and concur us...to save them some work in regards to TPR. :hissy: :hissy: :hissy:
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LoveBeingMama
That is awful - You do need to have your voice heard, it is good that your DH and you are on the same page.
I would so want to be there - It is were me I would want DH to have me on the phone and put the phone on the table or in a shirt pocket so I could hear everything.
But the phone better be on "mute" because I am not one to hold back my opinion or to stay quiet where the welfare of my little one is involved (which kind of surprises even me, and everyone thinks that I am a nice, quiet lady :D )
I think the phone idea is wonderful. Also DH shouldn't agree to anything! His only answer should be "I need to discuss this with my wife, and when we come to a decision, we will let you know."
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I'd do the phone thing. Or a mini recorder so you can hear it all later especially if your DH is like mine and loses things in translation.
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That is crazy! Of course bios would much rather deal with me than DH. I am much more reasonable. She should it be allowed to play games at this stage of things.
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Send him and make him step out and call you for EVERY decision. They want to make it hard, make it hard.
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Foster1Mom
Send him and make him step out and call you for EVERY decision. They want to make it hard, make it hard.
I like this. Mom would be getting exactly what she asked for but would not get the power to manipulate with it she was hoping.
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Foster1Mom
Send him and make him step out and call you for EVERY decision. They want to make it hard, make it hard.
This is probably what we will do. He also asked me to write a statement for him to read expressing basically how we feel like it's a bad start to a team meeting to leave the child's main caretaker out of the meeting.
I'm still checking into if they're even legally allowed to exclude me from the meeting.
I asked our licensing worker a question about adoption today and her response was "well, we have to vet blood kin before we list you as the adoptive resource." So I'm REALLY angry now! The judge requested TPR because it would be devastating to Niece to be moved, but you're going to vet other kin because she's not related to us by blood. I wanna see them try to find a blood relative who could 1) pass a background check, and 2) would be willing to take a child with issues as significant as she has!!!
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I don't think my agency would ever allow this type of manipulation. This would not fly. If the only option was to have my husband go, I would be on speaker phone listening the entire time and I would tell him to not say anything or do anything unless we discuss it first...even if it means stepping out of the room every ten seconds...they made their own bed by excluding you...you don't have to make it easy on them. You could also go and sit outside and then have him step out to talk to you :D
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When we went to mediation with our AD's bio mom my Dh and I both went, later we received a phone call from our SW saying that biomom's attorney had requested that when we meet again that my DH not be there, they felt that he was too hard nosed about things and that I was nicer! lol Truth be told, her attorney just thought I could be manipulated more easily. Our SW told him that would never happen, that we are a package deal, so it's both of us or nothing!!
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I'm just debating how hard to push it...the reality is we are very firm in our feeling that we will not make a promise of an open adoption in exchange for relinquishment, and I KNOW that's what the agency wants to happen as a result of this meeting. It's easier for them if they don't have to go to court. I could care less if we have to go to court, this judge isn't going to side with bio. My fear is if I push back too hard it could affect us negatively (they could threaten to move her, push back on subsidy, drag their feet for the adoption, refuse to place with us again, etc).
So right now I'm just thinking we go in with the plan that he agrees to nothing or calls me to confer. I can't be on a conference call because bio will be on the call (she's in prison). It just makes me mad that they are agreeing to allow her to do it at all. I promise you that once Niece's adoption is final we are transferring our license and working directly with the county!
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I think our next move, though at this point it looks a least a year to 18 months away is probably to transfer to the county instead of the private agency.
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Honestly, I would have my husband attend. You are a married couple and this child is both of yours. I would stand firm on that and say that a "team meeting" must include both of you or none. You are a team. The bio mom probably thinks she can manipulate a man more easily than a woman. I just wouldn't allow it.
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What do they mean you can't be on conference call? I was on one re a foster child where 3 people in 2 states were conferenced in.
I was at another meeting at a DCF office about a particular change to the system, where they had 2-3
people conferenced in.
Do you mean that they're saying equipment won't allow it, or that it would hurt bio mom's feelings, so they won't do it.
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I would agree, both or none - if they really want to discuss the future, they better be willing to talk to both of you. If not, then you can wait to find out what the judge says and they've lost their chance.
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Foster1Mom
Send him and make him step out and call you for EVERY decision. They want to make it hard, make it hard.
If you cant be in the meeting, can you be in the lobby? If he steps out every few minutes to consult you perhaps they will get the message that you are a team and will be making decisions together, and invite you into the meeting.
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alys1
Do you mean that they're saying equipment won't allow it, or that it would hurt bio mom's feelings, so they won't do it.
They are saying mom doesn't want me there, so I can't come. It's not at a DHS office, it's at one of the lawyer's office, so IDK about equipment or anything like that.
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