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We have been matched!:cheer: We signed up for MAPP 2 years and 3 months ago and were matched last week with a 10 year old girl whose profile and video stole our hearts. We may get to meet her this Saturday :banana: which can't come soon enough. We are as prepared as we can possibly be for the challenges of adopting an older child and we know there will be many.
We have been looking at profiles for more than a year but only submitted our home study for consideration once...for THIS child...and we immediately decided we would not consider ANY other children until we knew if we were selected as an adoptive placement for her. I was not even half way through her profile before I said to my husband "She's the one!"
But I am off subject.
What I was not prepared for was the sheer rudeness and intrusive questions we get every time we share the news: Wow, how wonderful, you've been at this for a long time...what happened to her parents? How long has she been in foster care? Why is she in foster care? How many placements? I had a friend who adopted some adorable chinese babies. I bet you could get a younger child if you adopt overseas.... We did not WANT a younger child.
These gems not from family or close friends , but from neighbors, casual acquaintances.
One conversation just last night went something like this:
Me: Yes, we can't wait to meet her.
Neighbor: That's great. How long has she been in the system?
Me: Too long. I think most children are in the system at least eighteen months before TPR.
Neighbor: Oh, how many placements has she had?
Me: It's sad these kids have to get bounced around at all, isn't it?
Neighbor: Well what about her parents?
Me: (annoyed now) Not in the picture.
Neighbor: I mean what did they do to her?
Me: Those details are private.
Neighbor: Oh, so you don't get to know much about her past then? You'd think they'd tell you more about these kids before you adopt them.
Me: They do. We just can't and won't share it.
A close friend asked me a few of the same questions today and I had a little better response. I told her that even if the privacy laws didn't prohibit us from sharing those kinds of details, we wouldn't do it, because this child is going to be our daughter and we don't want anyone in our lives to judge her based on things in her past that were beyond her control.
I just never expected people to be so intrusive? What makes them think they have the right? :hissy:
Congratulations! This is exciting. Most people are just curious, not realizing they are being rude and intrusive.
I just stay with my pat lines, and it will soon pass. This is the same stuff when people are inquiring about a pregnant woman.
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9kids is right. People are curious and often don't realize how inappropriate they are.
They do the same thing with domestic infant adoption. They want to know why did the parent's not want her, etc. . . . and on and on. . . . .
Keep to your story and get through it. I've been telling people lately, that it's important for DD to have control over her story and the ability to have privacy about details of her life when she's older. She can't have that if I'm blabbing every detail when she's an infant.
Congratulations to you by the way! I'll be wishing you a smooth transition.
Congratulations!
One thing that is different in terms of domestic infant or pregnancy etc. is that your child is going to be asked the questions directly and while you'd think people will know better than to not be so incredibly rude...they won't. I'd bet on it happening at least once, so have a plan to address it in school and with people involved in her life. You want her to be confident in dealing with it and know that how to answer the questions.
It's also possible she'll be labeled as "that child". Foster kids bring up a very different picture for most people in society and they will attach a negative stigma in ways they would not do so with the other types of adoption. Due to this, it's REALLY important you stick to your guns on her privacy.
Make it very clear that the last thing your dd will need is an invasion of privacy so people shouldn't discuss her with others or become a fodder for gossip. People really need to understand that she is a CHILD, getting a fresh start and doesn't need people in her business. Sometimes people make stuff up and tell their kids which feeds into school. Nip it in the bud while you can and be really clear about it because someone else's curiosity can be seriously harmful.
Actually Crick, myself and my brother were both asked questions directly about our first parents when we were young. I can remember the questions starting in kindergarten. We could both be mistaken as our parents born to kids and came home as babies. We came home to a small town where everyone knew that we were adopted though and sometimes with small towns comes small minds that do a lot of small gossiping.
Point being is that every case is different and if you are adopted as an infant into a small town like my brother and I were or are not the same skin color as your parents, you are probably going to get questioned too. Trust me people make also make assumptions about those of us adopted as infants as well, maybe not as many as foster care, but they are still there.
I agree with the original poster. I would think that my closest friends know that I'm a private person in any case, but to blatantly ask...what happened to them?!! It's like they have that horrible curiosity hoping to hear a horror story.
Everyone should know that any child available for adoption from foster care has lived through some type of horror. I cringe at the insensitivity!
I continue to stick to my guns and simply say - they had parents that weren't able to care for them and leave it at that.
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people do say some dumb things. Congratulations on your match, what an exciting time for you!
I adopted older children in a very small community too and it surely gets noticed when you show up at school with a few extra kids;)
I look at it in another way. People are not necessarily being inappropriate. They are trying, maybe naively, to show interest and conversation about something that is not in their experience.
They just do not realize that it is something that should be private. They are not being rude - they are trying to take an interest and just do not know the right questions/conversations to have with you.
It is up to you to get your pat answers down and eventually help your child to find her answers because kids will innocently ask the very same questions.
I would take it as an opportunity to gently - without taking offense - answer in a way that lets them know it is private but you sure appreciate their interest and support of your adoption journey.
sm