My son has 3 Biological sisters that were adopted by a different family. Long story.....Anyway, one of his bsisters is only 10 months older than he is, they are in the same grade.
We live in small town USA and biosisters have recently started attending the same school as my children. Turns out, my son will have a class with his biosister once a week, starting tomorrow. Plus they will have other activities and things together.
They know of each other, but haven't had a visit in so long that they don't really know each other.
I have talked to ds and he seems ok, but what should I look out for in terms of how he will process all of this?
She didn't know! I assumed she did, but she didn't.
Its partly my fault that she didn't know. When we had a play date a few yrs ago, ds was so young that we didn't tell him that they were his bios. I told the girls mom that he didn't know they were his sisters, so she didn't tell them either. But they were toddlers...not old enough to grasp it all. We were still dealing with biomom's recent death. I told him they were bmoms children too, but that was all. These children are cousins to my kids, so they just called them their cousins.......my youngest Biological had a hard time understanding it all and he is almost 3 yrs older than my ason, so no I didn't connect the dots for them at that time. And we haven't had a play date in a couple of years, so when I did tell him he had biosisters, he couldn't remember who they were. He wouldn't have anyway since it had been so long since we had gotten them together!
So now the dots are connected for all of them! Its a good thing, I just don't know how he will process all of this. I don't know how the girls will either. But it is a good thing...they have a connection that needs to be nurtured.
No, Mom wasn't mad just shocked because she didn't know he knew, or she would have told the girls so they could be prepared. She just didn't want to tell them for fear they would do exactly what he did!.....But I was shocked(not mad) when they transferred to our school without a heads up......
It sounds like it all turned out well and now their connection can be nurtured.
Sweet pea has 4 older siblings being parented by her birth mother. I'm not sure if they know about her. I'm certainly going to tell her about them but they live in a different state and D hasn't wanted visits. I'm not sure she'll be able to build a connection with them and that's sad.
It sounds like going to the same school can be a positive thing for them! I'm sure you can help him process it all. I love how confident he is!
Whew. Glad she wasn't mad. Maybe now she can sit her girls down and explain it and you guys can exchange pics, etc. We don't see my son's sibs as much as we did, but, for example, on his sister's last b'day I videoed my son singing happy birthday to her and sent it to her caregiver. We did the same on brother's birthday. We are also connected on FB and I can show him pics of them any time. There are ways.
FWIW, I think much of this has to do with whether the child was adopted as an older child or as an infant. Certainly, if the families have a fully open adoption, that makes a lot of difference too. It does bring about discussions of 'What constitutes a family...'
Sincerely,
Linny
He is definitely confident!
So I talked to his teacher today....She said he went up to her yesterday and told her that he met his sister....then he said....well she USED to be my sister.....She said he was very matter of fact about it and didn't seem upset at all:)
I love my boy so much! I am so happy that he is that confident and that secure!!!!
I did tell his teacher though to try to make sure he doesn't make his Biological uncomfortable in any way by talking about it. She will redirect him if need be.
I must say I LOVE his teacher. She is absolutely amazing. She understands me freaking out, yet is very calm and assuring. She likes ds too, I can tell:) Of course what is not to like, lol, he's pretty amazing himself!
Leeah, I hope that someday, sweetpea's bios will want to meet her and form a relationship with you both!
Alabamamom, it's awesome your son has that kind of relationship with his Biological!!!!
Linny, relative adoptions, especially in a small town, can be complicated to say the least. Sounds like you are handling it very well!
Millie, It's so hard when they have siblings that are here there and everywhere! My son also has Biological sibs from his birthfather. But that side is COMPLETELY CLOSED, plus they live out of state, so right now, its not an issue.
The girls mom and I are fb friends, friendly, but for some reason or another she is always too busy to get them together. Hopefully that will change now!
Linny, you are so right!
My son goes to the same school as his twin sister, who was adopted by another family. They were 3 when they entered foster care and except for at the very beginning were always in separate foster homes. They had visits together and have been able to maintain a relationship mainly because we live in a very small community, so out of necessity they have ended up in a lot of the same preschool, after school and sports programs. They also live right around the corner from us.
For awhile they also had an older sibling at the same school. Yes, they did/do talk about their Biological family. When he was younger it was a little more of an issue just because sometimes one sibling knew something before another even though the adults involved really worked hard to share information so there weren't too many surprises. Sometimes I had to remind him not to talk too much, especially to his older sibling, who was at a point where she didn't want to have it brought up all the time, but for the most part it has been good for them all to be able to share both the positives and negatives with each other.
Wow dizzilee, does it make it harder with them being twins? My son and his Biological sis look so much alike. I would guess that even if people don't know they are related, seeing them next to each other would make them assume so!
This is new territory for us, but hopefully we can communicate between families and have this be a very positive thing for everyone.
Now my biggest concern is ds talking about it and making bios feel uncomfortable. I am definitely going to discuss this with him tonight. At only 6 yrs old though, I just hope he realizes how he could upset her and do his best not to, yet at the same time, stay confident and secure, knowing adoption is a good thing.....everyone processes differently....
I am glad the teacher was understanding. When my boys were 2 and 4 we got custody of my teenage sister. She was with us for three years and then graduated and went into the Navy. After she graduated we moved to another state (yes, she knew, LOL) When I signed my son up for first grade, I filled out paperwork and when it asked about other children in the house I listed my other son only. Because my sister was no longer in the house. Anyway, my son had a first year teacher who had some issues. (we did a lot of butting heads over a lot of things) one of them was right before Christmas she let the kids talk about what they were doing. My son said he was going to his grandparents on Christmas day, but was most excited because he had a cool gift he had made for his sister. (she was coming home on leave the week after Christmas) The teacher informed him that he did not have a sister. He informed her that he most certainly did have a big sister. The teacher called him a Liar. He was so upset. (he has aspergers so didn't show it to her) I called the school livid. The teacher had the nerve to tell me that since there was no sister listed on his paperwork he did not have one. I explained the situation and she then said he still didn't have a sister since they were not biological siblings and she was really his aunt. I again explained that they were raised as siblings. She would not back down till I went to the principal. (again, as had several times that year over this teacher) That same sister later lived with me again and has a daughter close to the age of my youngest. So they are in school together a lot, and even though she has moved out again and I no longer babysit the girls daily (as I did both when she lived here and for a year or two after) people are still confused as to why they act closer than normal cousins.
Oh my word momraine the nerve of that teacher! Wow!
My dd is in the 8th grade, middle son in the 3rd grade, youngest in 1st grade. They have always attended the same school. We have never had any real issues with any of the teachers, aside from a band director that is no longer employed there! I feel so lucky and blessed to have such great teachers. Sure there have been a few that we haven't liked as well as others, but still, never any real big issues. I pray the trend continues!
I'm sorry that was an awkward situation for the girls! But really, they are siblings going to the same school, so it seems like something they should be told about. I think this is less the fault of your son than their mom. I wouldn't trust any 6-year-old to keep quiet about something like that! It would have been good if she could have prepared them herself rather than just hoping it would never come up at school.
I'm glad your son is taking it all in stride!
I agree Oak, and also I wish I would have gotten a heads up that they were going to be attending school there. It was a complete shock, so we didn't have much time to prepare ourselves! But I do think it will all work out, at least I don't feel quite so out of sorts about it all. I am so happy that they will get to know each other. That has always been my goal!
I am a little concerned that ds is too occupied with this new knowledge. He looks for his bios everyday. Today he didn't see her and said she may not have been in school. Well, they aren't going to see each other every day anyway! I just hope this doesn't cause him to have MORE focus issues than he already has in the classroom. Time will tell:)
...I am a little concerned that ds is too occupied with this new knowledge. He looks for his bios everyday. Today he didn't see her and said she may not have been in school. Well, they aren't going to see each other every day anyway! I just hope this doesn't cause him to have MORE focus issues than he already has in the classroom. Time will tell. feelingreyt
This was the situation with relatives. Frankly, (and I know this won't be a popular opinion here), the family feels there's a great difference between 'Biological and adopted'....and who's really 'your sister/brother'. Is it those people who LIVE in your home and share the family...OR, is it those who are simply biologically related? And I gotta tell you, I agree with the family who believes those biological connections aren't as important as those brought about through adoption.
This isn't to say bios should be ignored; but I agree those connections aren't the same in closeness when a child is growing up--has been adopted as an infant and never lived with the sibs at all, KWIM?
Once they're grown up enough to decide how close they want to be---based on friendship and such---NOT just Biological connections, that's up to them. But I wonder as adoptive parents-if too much emphasis is placed on the Biological connections w/o the qualifiers of 'shared experiences' when the child was adopted as a very new infant and never lived with these other children?
Just a thought and observation....
Sincerely,
Linny
Linny
This was the situation with relatives. Frankly, (and I know this won't be a popular opinion here), the family feels there's a great difference between 'Biological and adopted'....and who's really 'your sister/brother'. Is it those people who LIVE in your home and share the family...OR, is it those who are simply biologically related? And I gotta tell you, I agree with the family who believes those biological connections aren't as important as those brought about through adoption.
This isn't to say bios should be ignored; but I agree those connections aren't the same in closeness when a child is growing up--has been adopted as an infant and never lived with the sibs at all, KWIM?
Once they're grown up enough to decide how close they want to be---based on friendship and such---NOT just Biological connections, that's up to them. But I wonder as adoptive parents-if too much emphasis is placed on the Biological connections w/o the qualifiers of 'shared experiences' when the child was adopted as a very new infant and never lived with these other children?
Just a thought and observation....
Sincerely,
Linny
Linny, I actually agree with you 100%!
While I do want my son to have a connection to his bios, I believe that it will be different than his relationship with my other children, his brother and sister who he has been with since he was 5 days old! There really is no comparison! My son and his brother and sister are very STRONGLY bonded.
My son has no bond right now with his bios AT ALL. There is a connection, through bmom, but there is not bond. They may form a bond in time, but right now it's just not there. And I say "connection" only terms of being biologically related. Ds never knew his bmom and he never will. He only knows of her.
My ason knows his biograndmother and her young son. They actually came to his bday party this year. That is a whole other story right there! PHEW!
Anyway.....He has a connection to them, but still, even though he knows them, he has no bond to them at all either. They are relatives of dh, but we rarely see them.