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Lately I've been seeing a trend that is somewhat unsettling to me. I'm accustomed to the general public having strange notions about mothers who voluntarily relinquish their newborns. Usually it seems to be assumed that we didn't want our babies or we're rejecting them. And those of us who have had to travel down that road know that that perception and assumption are ludicrously wrong. Most birth/first moms place their babies for adoption within days after birth because they believe their children will have better lives if they are raised in financially stable homes. The thing that I've noticed lately, though, are comments coming from within the adoption community, comments that make very little distinction between women who have lost their children to the state CPS due to abuse or neglect versus women who are looking out for the best interests of their children. I've had amoms tell me to my face that if we hadn't voluntarily relinquished our babies, we most likely would have had our kids removed by CPS. Excuse me, really? Really???
I know that the prevalence of foster-to-adopt parents is strong here on the boards, so I'm assuming that they just are basing their opinions of birth/first moms on their own experiences of CPS involvement. Some of them seem to assume that we are ALL child abusers and terrible "bio moms." (By the way, "bio mom" is one of the terms I hate the most - it makes me sound like a robot or something.)
Anyway, I just thought I'd see how you guys are dealing with the constant put-downs, comparing us to drug-addicted, mentally ill women. Mostly it's a vent, so please don't slam me just because I don't appreciate being judged by the behavior of women who've lost their kiddos due to bad parenting.
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belleinblue1978
I hope that my child's mom is the exception to the rule on that one because I wouldn't want any other mother to have to go through what I have with them.
Belle I'm really going to pray that she's the exception to the rule. I cant imagine treating anyone this way, let alone the person who gave my child life and choose me to raise him. I really hate that your in this kind of adoption. It sounds like this woman is horribly insecure. In any event; your son will eventually see this and then she'll have to answer for the way she treated you.
You probably feel so trapped this is the only person in the world whom you feel as if you cant put your foot down with. She's got the upper hand for sure now but you can guarantee it wont last forever, we all have to pay for our sins eventually. I just hope she realizes it before your son is old enough to resent her.
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paigeturner
I don't think all adoptive parents struggle when their children's parents of origin become more successful then they are but many, many do. I think it makes some people realize that maybe the adoption wasn't necessary in the first place; that must be uncomfortable
That is a good point and perhaps it is true in some / most cases. I'd like to say although everyone thinks adoption is only positive for the adoptive parents, trust me adoption even for us (as an amom) isn't always positive and it's hard for us to (obviously nothing compared to relinquishing a child, that loss is beyond suffering, especially if coerced) but we don't think it's all sunshine and rainbows all the time either.
But I do think adoption COULD be a beautiful thing. I think those instances are very few and far in between and if adoptions were only done under these circumstances there would certainly be a lot less adoptions, but I honestly believe it can be. If first mom is truly and I mean TRULY given a chance to parent, support in doing so and all of the right options available to her and only if it's a truly open adoption. Not the 3 times a year letters or a picture. I mean the first parents are treated as family. That in my opinion is an "open" adoption.
My DD's first mom got sick at work last week. She called me to come get her :rolleyes: because she knows I will always be there for her. Not just her kid. I do think these situations are rare. But I do believe an adoption that's done right (really right) is beautiful. But I do think finding that combo is very hard.
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wrking21
Belle I'm really going to pray that she's the exception to the rule. I cant imagine treating anyone this way, let alone the person who gave my child life and choose me to raise him. I really hate that your in this kind of adoption. It sounds like this woman is horribly insecure. In any event; your son will eventually see this and then she'll have to answer for the way she treated you.
You probably feel so trapped this is the only person in the world whom you feel as if you cant put your foot down with. She's got the upper hand for sure now but you can guarantee it wont last forever, we all have to pay for our sins eventually. I just hope she realizes it before your son is old enough to resent her.
It really does all come down to insecurity for her. I try to remember that.
I'm adopted too, and my mom has tried to have some adoptive mom to adoptive mom talks with her about grief and what not, and it just doesn't help. She gets angry and lashes out that she has all of this pain too, and I need to be nicer and take that into consideration.
That was when I was working 60 hours a week at a treatment facility and had been assaulted and was trying to recover and my mom had called her because I didn't want her to think I was ignoring them, but I needed a break. It was a mess. Wait, it is almost always a mess.
Now she wants another visit with us for Kiddo. I ran like a crazy person all August. I put in two 60 hour weeks last pay period and that is with a three day weekend, sigh. She doesn't get it and I don't know how to explain my work is a lifestyle and not just a job.
So I texted her about a visit this month and pick a weekend so I can work it out. I haven't heard back yet after three days. I don't hold out much hope because last time it took her six weeks to respond and by that time I had already had to book work stuff.
Ok... sorry for the vent. This stuff just wears me right out, lol. It is probably part of the reason I don't always come across so nicely about adoption. It's tough when all it does is wears you out.
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belleinblue1978
It really does all come down to insecurity for her. I try to remember that.
I'm adopted too, and my mom has tried to have some adoptive mom to adoptive mom talks with her about grief and what not, and it just doesn't help. She gets angry and lashes out that she has all of this pain too, and I need to be nicer and take that into consideration.
That was when I was working 60 hours a week at a treatment facility and had been assaulted and was trying to recover and my mom had called her because I didn't want her to think I was ignoring them, but I needed a break. It was a mess. Wait, it is almost always a mess.
Now she wants another visit with us for Kiddo. I ran like a crazy person all August. I put in two 60 hour weeks last pay period and that is with a three day weekend, sigh. She doesn't get it and I don't know how to explain my work is a lifestyle and not just a job.
So I texted her about a visit this month and pick a weekend so I can work it out. I haven't heard back yet after three days. I don't hold out much hope because last time it took her six weeks to respond and by that time I had already had to book work stuff.
Ok... sorry for the vent. This stuff just wears me right out, lol. It is probably part of the reason I don't always come across so nicely about adoption. It's tough when all it does is wears you out.
Wow.... now I'm ready to give her a spankin' for you! She's sounds very self centered. I'm sure she's asking because your kid is wanting to see you. Can you get her to nail down a certain time frame like every six weeks or whatever works for you. Something on a scheduled basis so you can plan and it wont be as easy for her to "back out" aka flake? I've read your other posts and I know your job is involved and she sounds like she flakes often and is in general unreasonable at times.
My DD's first mom understands when I have to ask her to hold off on a visit (granted she gets them often, like bi-weekly or more and I never wait more than a day to respond usually seconds) but I hate telling her no ever. So she should really understand how hard it is for you to say not today.
I love that a few of you have both been adopted or are adopted and have done adoption. We honestly get things from you guys in a much broader since of the word. Don't apologize for venting. It's what we are here for and I mean that. I'm always here. I wont even begin to say I understand your pain (although I have lost a child) but this kind of loss stays with you in another way I imagine.
She sounds very insecure and self centered and one day when your son is old enough he'll realize that. I imagine the relationship with your son will change pretty dramatically when it does. It really does sound tiring. After going through something like this I cant imagine I'd be the biggest proponent of adoption either.
I hope she responds and you get some time with your little guy soon.
C -
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Oh we've tried to do quarterly visits. I live about 2 hours from them and it can be tricky to coordinate everyone and they simply don't travel in the winter, which is fine, but they don't like to even make plans for me to travel there in the winter. It's all craziness is what it is.
Kiddo does want to see me. We were texting, but that dropped off after this last mess. She says, but I thought I texted you and told you he wanted to go to the ballgame. Um, nope you didn't, because I would have responded immediately. Sigh.
She's mad because my dad isn't really into visiting and brought it up in front of Kiddo and made a comment that my dad is embarrassed of him. No he isn't, but he has his reasons for not wanting to go to visits and sorry, but I'm sick of trying to convince him he should.
For the record, I'm ok with being adopted, and I don't think adoption is evil, I just think it needs to be reformed in some really serious ways. I have issues with homestudies that don't look into mental issue deeply enough and infertility resolution deeply enough. I know that infertility issues are never entirely resolved, I'm not asking them to be, but I wish she would have worked harder on hers so she wouldn't be so angry at me and everyone else that gets pregnant. I'm not angry at her that I had to place Kiddo for adoption kwim?
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I would tell her in front of kiddo the next time your together that you'd like to set up scheduled visits and if they don't want to drive you can drive there. That way he'll know you tried and she'll have to answer for it.
Eventually she wont be able to take the texting away so easily. He's 9 now or close enough; by 13 she'll play hell getting that phone from him! LOL.
Perhaps if you told her the truth about why your Dad doesn't want to come to the visits; maybe she will do a little self evaluation.
I too agree adoption needs to be reformed in a serious way. I'm with you there. But I'm not sure it's in the home study. I think there needs to be a change of custody period before the adoption. So that you get 6 months etc to get to know these people and their quirks and if you can live with them long term.
As a person who struggled with fertility and the loss of a child it did take a long time (10ish) years for me to come to terms with the losses in any capacity. We adopted a long time after these issues were at least addressed to the extent they could be. But I'm not sure that's the whole issue with her. I honestly think she's just a really insecure person. I'm not sure there is anything that could get her through her issues.
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belleinblue1978
For the record, I'm ok with being adopted, and I don't think adoption is evil, I just think it needs to be reformed in some really serious ways. I have issues with homestudies that don't look into mental issue deeply enough and infertility resolution deeply enough. I know that infertility issues are never entirely resolved, I'm not asking them to be, but I wish she would have worked harder on hers so she wouldn't be so angry at me and everyone else that gets pregnant. I'm not angry at her that I had to place Kiddo for adoption kwim?
^This! I took a year and a half between our last fertility treatment and starting the adoption process. I needed to be where I wasn't angry at women who were pregnant (I only have 1 exception to that, but that lady deserves my frustration). I knew I didn't want to "replace", I didn't want to "substitute". I wanted to parent. I knew I was at the right place, when before LO was placed with us and after a failed match, a friend offered her embryos and I turned them down. I honestly didn't care about being pregnant. That doesn't mean that I don't get caught off guard sometimes when a close friend announces a pregnancy. But I'm not grieving the loss of pregnancy anymore.
It's so important to work through that completely first. And everyone takes their own amount of time to do it, but you can't properly be a mom to someone else's child when you aren't done greiving the loss of your own biological offspring.
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I think agencies would do themselves and everyone involved in adoption if they required some counseling sessions on infertility, if that is the reason someone is adopting. If it isn't, that's cool, no need for that counseling.
I get sad when people announce they are pregnant. When my brother and his wife announced they were pregnant with my first nephew it darn near destroyed me. It was is hard for us that one of J's nephew and his wife are pregnant. They aren't doing a great job with the first child, and now there is another? Why can't we have a kid? It is the way the world works though.
I think there should be more counseling all the way around when it comes to adoption though. I also think mental health needs to be more closely addressed. I think part of Kiddo's mom's problem is that is clinically depressed. I don't think that should preclude her from parenting, but I do think she should have been required to get some help.
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So since I've drug this thread totally off topic (sorry Raven), I talked to Kiddo's mom today and I get to take him alone for a whole day one weekend this month and it is all set up except our pick up time! I'm super excited as I've never gotten to do anything like this before.
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I've been sitting here like a total dork with a huge smile on my face, Belle! I am so excited for both of you! It will be a very special day.
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And I expect to see pictures! If I recall...He's a your mini-me!
I can't wait to hear all about the day!
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Yes CONGRATS! I'm thrilled too for both you and your son! I'm sure he's beyond excited too! I love the mini me thing! My DD is her first mothers twin :) I hope you've got some great plans!
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You are serious? People are saying these things somewhere out in the world? I relinquished my child almost 41years ago and have ALWAYS been very open about it - most people who know me even remotely know this fact. In fact when people ask me how many children I have I very often say 5 (I raised 4).
I have never EVER heard any sort of biased or unkind comment leveled at me (or towards birth parents in general) in my life - I am happy to say. I can't imagine that sort of ignorance.
My gift is, after 40-1/2 years my son contacted me this past weekend. :)
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WyoRose,
I think 1) you've been lucky enough to not hear any of the negativity, and 2) your openness led some dissenters to shut their mouths. When someone openly and unapologetically says this is who I am, it is harder to knock 'em down.
I'm so happy for you. I wish my mother had gone your route and been open all these years. But, instead, she has lived with the "shame." And, she's not even going to peek her head out of the closet.
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