Need support- Can't stand her right now

I cant say that I understand from the stand point of adopting but I do get EXACTLY what you are saying. We have a fd here that I struggle with every day. I am daily telling myself anything that I can think of that is a plus about her. She is RAD so I know how the attachment issue feels for you right now. There are days I want to scream or run down the road pulling my hair out. Just take it min by min and keep trying to think of the positives about her. Good luck with the wkend.

Kids are smart. They know when someone loves them, likes them, tolerates them, or despises them. I am not asking you to answer these questions aloud. But, do you prefer her brother to her? Did you adopt them primarily because you wanted him? Kids can and will pick up on subtle cues. (And, based on what you've said, you definitely love your bio son more. Again, she'll know that.) I'm sure she is a challenge. She has had a challenging life so far, and you do need support. Just remember that she is challenging you because 1) she wants to see if you really are going to be in her life forever, 2) she wants to see where you set the limits. I would recommend that you seek support through counseling and/or support groups. There is no shame in getting help. I know your daughter is in counseling, but you could probably benefit from counseling of your own. Healthy people in challenging situations can benefit from counseling, too.

No advice, just offering support!! Have you made progress with the attachment therapy? If not -- it might be time to do some more looking for a better therapist (I know, I know what a pain that is!). And you probably know the rest: get breaks from her (school is starting soon!); find something that the two of you can do together that you both enjoy so you can have some positive interactions; make sure you're eating well/getting enough sleep/have someone outside of the family to support you. And give yourself time to grow to love her. It hasn't even been a year and these things take time. Hang in there!!!!

I think girls are more difficult than boys. I have a 16 year old girl and a 19 year old boy that we adopted as toddlers. My girl is driving me nuts - much as I love her. It is really good news that the teacher thinks your daughter is wonderful. That means she's got it in her to relate well, and perhaps as another poster said, she's testing to see if you too will abandon her and to test the limits. It's great that you're in therapy. We've gone for years. It helps just to have another adult to bounce things off. You don't have to feel love or even like her. You are probably saving her life, though I know you won't say that to her. She's a precious child who has been hurt, and you have committed yourself to help her begin her healing process. That's a great thing to do. You may not see the final outcome, but are playing a huge part in her recovery. Try to think of her as a nurse thinks of an obnoxious patient, or a therapist of a mentally ill person -- I don't have to like her, I just want to help her get better. Try to be consistent with setting limits. I find that really hard. I have made so many mistakes with my daughter, right now she can't stand me, but I hope she outgrows that eventually. In any event I have helped her avoid the worst problems of the foster care system, given her an education, and a good start. We can only do our best. I do hope you can get respite. God bless.

I would be happy to respond to your questions, since I feel the answers are important and are something I struggle with. I prefer the kids of strangers to her. We adopted them because we were matched through the foster care system and introduced as the forever family at the first meeting. I think sometimes that had we been introduced some other way, we may have passed on this match. Clearly, we love our birth child much more than her. We have pulled back tremendously from him in an effort to make things fair/equal, so now I only hug him in our closet and only whisper that I love him as I put him to bed. It hurts to pull back from him except in secret just to keep the other kids from feeling unloved. Her bio brother is just a sweet kid and he tries to hard to do the right thing. I do not feel that I have full ybonded with him, but yes, I am closer to him than her at this point. We do know that her former foster family declined to adopt them because of her; they wanted him and it really showed. We really try to be fair and equitable with the kids, but she gets corrected so much more because her behavior is atrocious. I understand that kids test and need to know we are there forever, but there are times it feels so bad that I just don't care why she does it anymore. I just want her to stop. Her attachment therapist is good and I trust her. THe whole process just takes a long time and the in-between is hard. I have been going to an adoption support group but had to stop because it takes so long to get homework done that I had to rearrange my work schedule, making me be at work during the meeting times. I do have an appointment with the attachment counselor this weekend though, so I hope that helps a little. Thanks to everyone for the support and replies!

I wanted to chime in here.I struggled with my feelings for my daughter for the first few years. She was a bitter, angry, abusive stranger. However, as time went by, and I saw the effect of my parenting in her, it became easier to bond. Something that really helped me, was scheduling affection randomly. And Love/Logic. It gave me the idea that the consequence for behavior should be connected to restitution for the behavior. So anytime she was abusive (lets just be honest here) and make someones life harder to anyone, she had to make it up to them by doing something nice for the person and making their life easier. (chores, back rubs, foot rubs, brushing hair, doing nails) It made it easier for me to not despise her for her bad behavior when I knew I'd get something nice out of it.I also started to pick 1 or 2 behaviors at a time, and would let the rest slide with minor consequence. I'd focus on whatever behavior was the most disruptive. I also started rewarding myself for her bad behavior. Either way it became a win/win for me and a lose/lose for her. I also looked at her motivation and purpose behind the behavior and made sure she was unsuccessful. If her goal was to push me away and make me angry, I would make VERY certain I "interpruted" her choices to mean she was feeling sad/insecure/unloved and must need more mom time (time-ins) and extra hugs/kisses. Even if it wasn't what she needed, it helped her bond to me, and I enjoyed how much it annoyed her in the moment. Surprisingly she was never happier/more content than the days she was in a time in and doing extra chores. When I guessed what her goals in her behaviors were, I would make a scripted response so I didn't have to think of what to say in the heat of the moment. Usually it went some thing like this:"Oh man, your behavior is telling me that you feel unloved and insecure right now. I don't want you to feel that way. I love you and you belong in our family. So to help you feel more secure, we're going to spend a bunch of time together doing stuff all day/week etc..."I can see by your choices, that you need to spend more time with me""Your language tells me you don't appreciate me. I want to help you learn to appreciate me, so today/this week you get to do all the chores that I normally handle for the family!""I understand you haven't been in this family very long, and it feels really weird and awkward at times. I want you to know you can take your time getting used to the new direction your life is taking. I also know that if you start to like it here too much, it makes you feel guilty or disloyal to someone you love. But you need to understand that you can love different people different ways for different reasons.""It looks like you're making choices that used to help you before you became my daughter. You needed those skills and feelings and behaviors to stay safe and get your needs met. But now those behaviors are hurting you. Lets figure out a new way to get what you need, that doesn't involve hurting anyone."My daughter also hit puberty at age 8. It was a rough time for a few years. Find out what she doesn't know yet, but would enjoy learning, then teach her! You'll feel satisfaction everytime she does that skill, and she will too!

aspenhall- Thanks so much for your scripted responses! Having something I can say/repeat/chant like a mantra will help. I can already see that our parenting is helping (at least she has stopped the screaming fits that could last up to 90 minutes) and what helped then was making her do restitution (doing nice things for the family for however long she was screaming). I guess I get worn down and overwhelmed and forget sometimes. And sometimes it is hard to see progress, you know. I appreciate all the responses here. Thanks everyone!