Telling Kids About TPR

Aren't there yet, but we plan on saying the judge thinks you will be safer here with us forever, I hope you know I am here to talk about this if you want to talk. How does this make you feel and let them guide the rest

Personally, I don't think it should be you telling the child who wants to go back to his parents that rights have been terminated and he will be yours forever. That needs to come from their attorney or the social worker and you and the child should be "told" together. You don't want the child to associate the termination of parental rights with you. Adoption is about you and your family. TPR is about the children's family. If that makes any sense ;)

It really shouldn't be you telling about TPR, but it seems from experience that SW's often leave it to foster parents to do the dirty work anyway. For my STBAS, we worked with a counselor on how to tell him. Also, there is a great book titled. "Families Change". Here is the link. It is specifically written for children in foster care who are experiencing TPR of bioparents. [url=http://www.amazon.com/Families-Change-Experiencing-Termination-Important/dp/1575422093/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378251154&sr=8-1&keywords=families+change]Amazon.com: Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (Kids Are Important) (9781575422091): Julie Nelson: Books[/url]

I have the book Families Change as well. I recommended it to our FFA who now gives it out. It's a great teaching tool. However, FP's should never be the person to give bad news. That should be the SW with you guys present.

Thanks. I hadn't considered the cw giving them this news. I called therapists back and I have a meeting on Sat to discuss how to tell them. If she thinks it is best that the cw tells them then he will go along with it. I spoke with a friend tonight and realized the boys already know so much and I'm mostly just worried about using the right words to break the news. Especially to the 8 yo who has more of a bond to bio mom.

We always leave it up to the social worker to tell the kids things like that. She explains it so well to them so that th understand it's not our fault. It leaves her or the judge to be the "bad guys". It works out because she knows just what to say.

For any court decisions, I always start out, "The big people have decided that..." I stay focused that I had no control over the decision. If I know the child won't like this, I'd start, "I have news that I'm pretty sure you won't like. I'm so sorry, the big people have decided that ...." Then listen. Then go back and forth talking, answering questions. If you don't know the answer, say that, and that you'll find out for him. People forgive us when we don't know, but not if we make stuff up. If you feel like crying, cry. Don't hold that back, it shows you understand how hard it is for the child. "I'm so sorry you're so angry, Bill." "I'm so sorry this hurts so bad, Bill."I think in 8 year old's case, I would say, "I have even worse news, YY, your CW (or, "the big people") have decided that you will have one more visit with your parents on X day."Later in the conversation I would say, "...The judge...." In the beginning, I use "big people", because I'm trying to engage the youngest side of the child. --Separately, I had a *terrible* experience with a CW telling the child. Terrible! CWs aren't therapists. My wise therapist friend said, "SWs are not trained as therapists, and tend to fail when they try to be one." In my case, the CW looked at the 5.5 year old child, who wanted a different outcome, and said, "You're a very lucky little boy!"On what planet? For one, *no* foster child is lucky! What are you smoking lady? I was so freaked out.What I had already done: I took the child to a therapist. In my case, my wise therapist friend, she gave me next-day appointment in her home. I also brought 2 other adults from his 18 months at my home, so there were 4 adults there to support him through his grief. It was *amazing*. Hard, but amazing. There is no way my 2 friends and I could've been so successful without the therapist there. "Marriage and Family Therapist" is what you want.I'd vote for having a trained therapist tell the 8-year-old alone (no brother) if you want to opt out yourself, with you in the lobby. Or have the therapist tell him with you in the room to comfort him. --The other thing, my wise friend said when I called her, "He probably already knows." You allude to that. I mean, he did and he didn't -- but kids do pick things up out of the air.

I'm not sure if your kids know more about how the system works, but we agonized over how to tell nephew for literally 6+ months. Who should be present, how we would all get in the same room, etc, etc, etc. In the end, he had the "ideal" scenario (his own mom explained to him that he was going to live with us forever and be adopted and that she knew we would take good care of him and she loved him, etc...) and it didn't matter at all. He glossed over it and completely didn't grasp the meaning. Regardless of how you tell them the first time, you will probably have to explain it many, many times before it fully sinks in. For our nephew, I don't think it really sank in until finalization and seeing the judge, etc...