Advertisements
I feel a little stupid posting this, but here goes. I am 58 years old. I had never seen my Birth Certificate, as my mother used my baptismal certificate to register me in school, etc. All my life I believed my mother was Ruth and my father was George. I had 2 much older half sisters. They were my mothers girls form her first marriage. Beverly was 22 and Louise 21 when I was born. Louise was married and had a son one year older than me. IF I met Beverly as a baby I did not remember, of course, and by the time I was old enough to ask questions she was living in Pennsylvania( I was born and raised In CA. She was not close in any way to my mom and I never even met her until I was 12 after her first husband was killed in a car accident and she and her second husband moved to CA along with her Six children. After moving her they had one more child together. After some time she and my mother had another falling out and we lost contact. We also eventually lost contact with Louise. Due to the age difference and family dysfunction I was never close to either half sister. My dad passed away when I was 13 and I moved out on my own at 17-having just graduated from High School. Fast forward to me at 50. I had recently found out I had extremely high blood pressure and gone on meds for it. Although the meds controlled it, when diagnosed It had been 210/110 enough to scare me good. At any rate I finally got around to sending for my Birth Certificate. I got a notice there was not one on file. Odd. I was always told I had been born at St. Mary's hospital in Long Beach. St. Mary's had no record either. I decided to see if I could locate one of my (half) sisters through the internet. I couldn't even remember Louise's most recent married name, but Beverly had only been married twice and to brothers. So I knew her last name and where they had lived while in CA at least the first few years. I was able to locate her. So I called. Turns out she was no longer actually living in that house, but had moved into a small unit behind it and one of her daughters answered the number. Her daughter remembered me. Thing was I had known all four of her older daughters because we were all so close to the same age we had played together as children during the brief time they had been part of my life. So she told me when to call back to talk to her mom, Beverly, my half sister. I explained to Beverly that I was confused about the BC thing. It wasn't on file. Could I have been adopted? My mother had been 41 when I was born after all. No, she assured me I was not adopted. She remembered when our mom was pregnant with me. So, I asked, maybe my parent's weren't married? No, she said, they had been together for years before I was born. We had a pleasant chat, two strangers really, but with a shared genetic streak and no animosity to each other. THE high blood pressure? No surprise there, it ran on mom side of the family. In fact Beverly was diagnosed with it at 35, but then she had given birth to 5 of her 7 children. Not being so prolific mine held off until my late forties. She also told me about the lousy childhood she and my other sister had had with my mother. Basically, my mother had deserted them and left them in Oklahoma with their paternal Grandmother. When she ( the grandmother) died she did bring them out here but then promptly pawned them off on her younger sister, our Aunt Ruby. That is what was at the heart of their issues. She explained that she had chosen to build her life with her own children and her husbands family. I totally understood. Then I figured maybe my parents hadn't really been married, maybe everyone just thought they were, but maybe not on paper, so I sent away with my first name and birth date but using her maiden name. Nothing yet again. So I put it aside and got sidetracked with life. Mentioned it a few times. to friends, the mystery, whatever. Then just last month a friend of mine having heard the story for the first time, said "If you have two older half sisters, what about their fathers name?" If your parents really weren't married at the time of your birth, wouldn't she still have had her first husband's name, not her maiden name? Well yes, I realize how stupid that sounds, that I had not thought of that. But I hadn't. So, why not one more try? I ordered again using "Brooks" as my last name with my first and middle name and my birthdate. While waiting for the certificate, I told myself I had to prepare for the fact that my "dad" was not my biological father. Why else would I not have had his name at birth? He certainly acknowledged me as his. I realized he would always be my dad, regardless of who the sperm donor was. I got the certificate finally on Saturday. Yes, by dad was not my biological father as I had come to believe. That wasn't the shocker and a lot of you probably know what is coming next. My "mother" was also not listed as my birth mother. I have never heard the name of my biological father, I have no idea who he was. But I sure recognized the name of my biological mother. Her last name was Brooks alright, as was mine on the certificate because she was none other than my "sister" Beverly. Yeah the one who just a few years ago, when I was well past the age of looking for a "mommy" figure and only really trying to solve the BC mystery told me I was absolutely not adopted. She remembered my mom being pregnant with me. She remembered it alight, she experienced it! My "mom" was my grandmother I am still absorbing the shock. I am pretty sure she has since died, she would be 81 if still living. I also just went from being an only child born of much older parents with two much older half sisters I never had much in common with, mainly because of the age difference to having SEVEN half siblings, ranging from only two years younger than me to 15 years younger. I have no idea if they know the truth, but I suspect they do not. That is only reason I can figure out why my sister/mother/whatever did not tell me the truth 8 years ago. So, do I tell them? I am dying to find out if they knew. I have found them on Facebook so telling them is an option.
Like
Share
I guess you have to ask yourself if there is anything to be gained by telling them. Will it bring you closer to them? Do you need health info that you don't have? As you said, your sister/birth mother didn't tell you the truth even when you were questioning what you had been told, she probably hadn't told her children and maybe not her husband. I think that bringing all this out into the open would end up with you being the one who is hurt the most by how they react to the news. As my forum name indicates, I also found out the truth later in life! Just when you think there aren't any more surprises... a big one comes along!!
Advertisements
With the ease of our DNA testing there is no way to hide who is who in the family tree anymore. There is no way I would omit or hide information from children as they will only live in a more tech savvy world. But, you are not a child. So, is there anyone who can be hurt by not saying anything?
Thank to both of you for your responses. For an update, because of the "relationship" with my birth family, in that my half siblings thought I was their Aunt it was quite easy to re-establish contact on Facebook as their long lost Aunt. It was an advantage I suppose most people in my situation don't have. It was illuminating to say the least. What I discovered was there may be a biological conneciton, but we were clearly raised in different worlds. My dad, who will always remain my dad, the man with no biological connection whatsoever to me but nonetheless loved and nurtured me until his death when I was 13, raised me to believe in compassion, fairness and that standing up for those less fortunate than us was always the right thing to do. My birth family, for the most part, are a bunch of wing nut bigots with so much hatred for our President I have seriously considered alerting the Secret Service to their FB pages. I didn't, and hope I never regret it, but I did have to cut them from my newsfeed because I was getting angry every day reading their hatred and stupidity. I say "for the most part" because two of the sisters don't seem to post anything like that, and one of those seems to be a professional woman and someone I could possibly have been friends with. Even her music "likes" are pretty much the same as mine, not that I only make friends with people that like my music, I just thought "wow, an actual similarity". I want to be clear too that I do not only have friends who share my political views. I have many close friends who vote differently than I on just about everything. But there are political views and there are radical bigots. Most of my bio family seems to fall into the second category. Maybe because I really didn't like most of them, maybe because I am just fed up with lies, maybe both, or maybe because after doing a bit more math and research I figured out what my bio mom's game was and didn't think so much of their "sainted mother" I did decide to tell them. Since then, not surprsingly, the one I liked has made some small, but kind gestures. The othes acted like the whole "shock" was just too much for them. One even suggested that I speak to my birth father (or at least the man listed as my birth father, my gut says he wasn't the real sperm donor), and see if he remembers my birth mom's real sister (one year younger than her). The clear implication that Louise-the other sister-actually gave birth to me and apparently in some bizarre conspiracy theroy used her older sisters name. As I pointed out to her, problem with that is I am one year younger than that sisters oldest son and 5 months older than her daughter. Add to that, Louise was around all the time during my early years, along with her husband and three children, I fail to see any reason why she would have given me up and then went on to have her daughter 5 months later. It seems they are having a hard time getting used to the idea that mommy gave birth to me in 1954, listed a man on the BC who says, yes he is that man, but does not remember my bmom at all, which I find I believe, then FIVE months later was pregnant with Debbie. She got what she wanted that time because two months after that, Debbie's father (maybe, she doesn't look like the other girls) married her and 5 months later Debbie was born and she started poppihg out kids for the next 13 years. I have worked through most of my shock. My life really hasn't changed. I don't want a relationship with most of them and I think the one worth knowing would be in an awkward position if she tried to form a friendship with me. She lives in another state anyway and I have plenty of good friends, because that's what one does, when you don't have a family, you form your own. When I think about it, yes I am still very angry for the lies. But I am not angry that I grew up where I did. I stil thank god for my dad. My mom, (really my grandmother) tried. Truth was she was probably too old to be a mother and she ultimately died of Alzheimers in her mid seventies. Looking back I think she may have even had some symptoms in her 50's when I was in my teens. But she tried. She never abused me and I am sure she did love me. Maybe I was her chance to make up for the mistakes she made with with her first two daughters.
I too found out late at 38 by myself. Mine was a big secret, but I haven't found out much. My BM and AM both have passed so it is too late. I have cousins that could probably tell me but wont. I am 57. I don't think I would tell the ones on FB. You know probably most of your health problems so that won't help. That is the way I feel about mine. It would have been nice to know earlier. Just take care in knowing that you are not the only one out there with this scenerio.
Chlban, Wow - somehow I missed your first post - what a tale you have unravelled - not sure how I would deal with that... I did kind of get a feeling for the siblings you had to hide from your feed - self righteous perhaps ? and being told their mother wasn't the good girl they thought would have rocked their world - perhaps they will learn not to be so mean spirited? One can only hope they will come down to the real world where we all must coexist. I think you will be glad to know there aren't any more secrets but your anger isn't wrong - that just takes time to work through and means you are dealing with it. I hope you stick around - I'm from your decade. Kind regards,Dickons
Advertisements
I would be angry too. It's funny how even now, years after I've dealt with some of my life, I still get angry at times about certain parts of it. I think it's normal. At least I hope it's normal. ;-)I think I'm glad you told them (not that it matters). I doubt they will ever be able to accept it. It's funny how we cling to our untruths in spite of strong evidence to the contrary. But at least you know whether or not you want to continue with them. I don't see you changing that opinion or regretting it.I hope you stick around too.
Thanks for the kind responses. It does help to just get the anger out. I don't think most people that have not been adopted can fully get it. I know I didn't, I only viewed adoption as a wonderful thing and that the children were so lucky. I never understood that, even as an adult, it rocks your world to know your mother did not want you. But, in all honesty that really isn't a side I had ever seen before.
chlban
I never understood that, even as an adult, it rocks your world to know your mother did not want you. But, in all honesty that really isn't a side I had ever seen before.
Foundoutat50 I am sure there are situations where the birth mother does give up a child because she sincerely thinks that is best for the child. That is not the case with my birth mother though. First, she hated her mother, who I had always thought was our mother, and believed her to have been a terrrible mother. So, if she were really doing what she thought was best fo me, I don't believe it would have been to leave me with the woman who, as it turns out, was actually my biological grandmother and her mother. Second, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that my bmother's plan was to snag herself a husband. As hard as it is to believe today, in 1954 becoming pregnant was actually a way to get a guy to marry you. Since she was pregnant again 5 months after my birth, and she married that guy 2 months after that, (I am sure it took longer back then to find out and confirm pregnancy, no home tests), I find it pretty clear what she had in mind. I was just a casualty of her plan. The first guy, who I very seriously doubt was the man named on my BC as my father, just did not fall for it. But, again, that is my situation. I am sure others are very different.
With time to think about things and get over the shock, I have come to look beyond whether my birth mother really wanted me ... to see that, at that period, unwed mothers and illegitimate children were often stigmatized. Since I'll never meet her, I have decided that it's better to think that she wanted a better, a different situation for me that what she would have been able to provide at that time. I can only surmise the circumstances; she KNEW what her life was like at that point in time. And, knowing that my parents (the people who raised me) wanted a child, I was never "unwanted" - they were waiting and they wanted me
Advertisements
CHLBAN, there is a section in my non-id that says something like he has two daughters that will be financially well off. I have asked myself if my mom was gold digging and because there wasn't DNA test to prove paternity, my dad was able to slam the door in her face. I too have wondered if the man listed on my non-id is just one of several. One of the hard parts of closed adoptions I guess. The unknown
it rocks your world to know your mother did not want you.
"I was just a casualty of her plan. The first guy, who I very seriously doubt was the man named on my BC as my father, just did not fall for it." I hear you. I was born in 1956 and the plan worked in my case...my birthfather married her. He searched and found me; she had cold feet from the start. I believe she resented and was jealous of my father's need to find me. She never got over being left "high and dry" during her pregnancy with me and I paid the price for it. He married her a few years after I came along. Now I believe she is embroiled in resentment and bitterness having incorporated her perspective that she believed my father's family felt that she simply wasn't good enough. It's all bunk because my father's sisters fully accept her. It's mostly her insecurity about my paternal grandmother's role in her son's life I think. The rest is history. I don't feel anything now except relief that I didn't get tangled up too much in her psyche. I was initially caught up in the whole emotional roller coaster but after years of dealing with her manipulative behaviour; I am breathing a sigh of relief to have developed without the Freudian brain knots my brothers have had to endure. Neither of them chose to bring any children into the fracas; hard to say whether it was a conscious or subconscious choice but too bad either way. I keep a safe distance and am in contact with my father's side of the family. It's much more civilized in my mind to set a boundary and watch from afar.
Hi Chlban,What a shock that must have been to find all that out. I'm so sorry you were lied to for so long, even by your own birth-mother. I am glad you were raised well and with kindness by your (a)father.I have a similar big difference in worldview with a few in my first-family so I know how uncomfortable that can be.The sister you think you'd get along with... have you thought about just having more contact with her just to get to know her better? I think it's nice to have that connection where it can be made.As far as telling... I guess if I were in your position I'd probably want to get the truth on record for the future somehow, even if that does not mean telling your mother and sisters. I mean some kind of record pointing others to your birth certificate should someone be doing genealogical research or something. I'm not saying this applies to your case, it's just a general comment:Getting a woman pregnant was also a way that some men would try to force a woman to marry them. In my case there was almost a shotgun wedding, initiated by my first-father.It was definitely a very different time. Thankfully that era is mostly over and those things don't happen much anymore.
chlban
Second, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that my bmother's plan was to snag herself a husband. As hard as it is to believe today, in 1954 becoming pregnant was actually a way to get a guy to marry you. Since she was pregnant again 5 months after my birth, and she married that guy 2 months after that, (I am sure it took longer back then to find out and confirm pregnancy, no home tests), I find it pretty clear what she had in mind.
Advertisements
Chlban, I can completely relate to your story. Mine is very similar. It's very complicated when it's your birth family all wrapped up in your afam. It's been close to 10 years now, since I began to unravel my birth history. I was met with denial, avoidance, pretense, etc, etc. Not a pleasant place to be in. I feel for you. I understand what you are going through. I wish I had some helpful advice other than pray and do the best you can to not obsess over it - which is almost impossible. In order for you to have unraveled what you are able to write, takes some major mental and emotional internal fortitude. It helped me to meet someone in passing that had a similar story, just to know that I wasn't the only one. Our stories are unique. I didn't stay around on this site because I felt as if I didn't even fit in here. I'm probably wrong about that! Just wanted you to know you aren't the only one. Best regards - White_Elephant
[QUOTE]It helped me to meet someone in passing that had a similar story, just to know that I wasn't the only one. Our stories are unique. I didn't stay around on this site because I felt as if I didn't even fit in here. I'm probably wrong about that! Just wanted you to know you aren't the only one. Best regards - White_Elephant[/[/QUOTE I would love to hear your story, if you feel like sharing it. I actually thought there would be many more stories like mine, daughter gets pregnant and her parents pass the child off as their own. But I haven't actually heard from anyone else with a similar story. Mine is somewhat unique in that my birth mother was not a teenager when I was born, she was 22, although in the 1950's I know there was still a huge stigma. Also strange is that she hated her mother and always said she was a terrible person and mother, yet she allowed me to be raised by her. Also my dad was my adoptive mom's (who was really my biological grandmother) second husband so he was not related to me at all by blood. That in itself is strange to me because he is the one I was closest to and definitely the one person wrapped up in this giant lie and I truly admired and respected. I still believe if he has lived he would have made sure I knew the truth as an adult.