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We are in the process of adopting an older sibling group, the oldest is almost 15 and they have lived with us on and off for almost 3 yrs. The 15 yr old says he wants to be adopted, but we get mixed messages. He tells some of his old friends he will leave here and go home when he turns 16. He has been having secret contact with his birth mom and has arranged a secret meeting with her and told her he would be coming back to live with her in a year.
We have always given him the choice to be adopted or not, we will be there for him no matter what but don't lead us down a path that you have no intention of completing. In the end, it will hurt you- re guilt.
We have face to face visits several times a year with bio dad, grandparents etc. Not with mom because she refuses to support the adoption and will not make contact with us- she has a history of lying to us and a history of never following through with visits to the kids- has regularly gone 6 months to a year without seeing them.
I don't know what to do- he is happy with us, he is doing better than ever academically, behavior, off drugs etc.
But saying that he is going home in a year seems like a huge red flag to the adoption. Not sure what to do, call it off and tell him that if he still feels that he wants to be adopted after 16 then we will do it then??
Anyone been through something similar?
I cannot say I have been though something similiar but I think your idea of waiting is a good one.
Please remember that his Birth Mom maybe be the one arranging the secret meetings and pressuring him/guilting him. At that age he is going to have divided loyalties and maybe shouldn't have the weight of the decision to be adopted on his shoulders. Most 15/16 year olds still don't have the maturity to filter through the depth of their feelings when they are so torn between people.
My personal advice would be to not push him for the adoption and find someway to make it OK for him to still have some kind of relationship with his BMom.
He is at the age where he will probably maintain a relationship with her throughout his life and the best supports that you can give him is a soft place to land, supporting his relationship with his Mom, be there to help him navigate his feelings when it is difficult and remember teens WILL NOT share their hard feelings with you if they feel that you are against/angry/not liking/disapproving of their friends never mind their birth family.
If he wants to be adopted at 16/17/18 you can still do it. Give him the loving gift of not pushing him into it and loving him anyway. Whatever you do - DO NOT take it personally - it isn't about your relationship with him. It is about his feelings for his BMom. He loves her -faults and all - and he needs you to support that and not make him choose.
Loving him means finding a space in your heart for letting him love her too.
SM
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Thanks for your thoughts- birth mom is the one arranging the meetings. I hope i didn't send the message that we are trying to stop him from having a relationship with his mother. Nothing could be further from the truth. We would never expect a child to have to choose between us and his birth parents, that would be extremely unfair and traumatic. We have opened our homes and hearts to a drug addicted father for the sake of the kids. But it has to be a healthy relationship with his mother, one that is supportive of his choices and she can't be trying to derail his life. It is our responsibility to protect him until he can protect himself.
Trust me we are not pushing him into adoption, this is not something we feel a burning need to do and we have told him time and time again we will support and be there for him forever whether he decides to go home one day or adoption now, later or never and he has a home with us no matter what. He is the one who wants the adoption but we have been questioning whether he really knows what he wants based on some of the red flags we have seen. We do not want to push, entice, or encourage him to make a choice that he will be unhappy with down the road. We have really struggled with whether is is even right to adopt a teen who is so connected with his family- not whether it is right for us but is it right or fair to him?
I think the reality is we just have to trust that he knows what he wants and go with it. He also tells us he doesn't want to see his mom when we ask him if the level of openness we have is okay for him. Truth or not- who knows??? She has never been good about seeing him and has been in and out of his life- without good reason (no drugs, alcohol or mental illness etc), so he maybe fed up- hard to know.
I spoke with the mother again and asked her to put aside everything else except what he wants and to try and support whatever path he chooses so that we can than come up with some level of openness like we have with the dad and his extended family. She is going to think about it and the ball is in her court- openness limited to phonecalls, letters, pics until she can support the adoption. Fingers crossed
I really second sunshine.
It sounds like he's incredibly conflicted and being pulled between the two families. It's something pretty much all adoptees face sooner or later; loyalty to the family who adopted us (or wants to) and put a roof over our heads and food in our bellies or loyalty to our natural family and to our mother without whom we wouldn't even exist.
It's not an easy choice at all and who you like or want to be with obviously changes on any given day based on who's busting your stones less, who's letting you get away with more, your general mood, how lonely you feel that day. That's probably why he's seemed wishy-washy re: the adoption. Even as adults you never really find one answer or family and stick with them forevermore.
If there's no danger of him having to leave you guys (ie: having to go back to foster care if you don't push the adoption forward) then I would simply drop it. If he's living with you guys and you love him and things are going well then what difference does a few pieces of paper really make? Let him decide in a year or two or three like the other poster said. When he's older and had more time to understand his situation, mature and get to know his natural family.
It would be really wonderful if people would read the entire post vs skimming it if you are going to reply because you have the information mixed up.
What difference does a few pieces of paper make? you would need to ask him since you seem to be confused- He wants the adoption. Wishy- washy he is not (but there are somethings we consider red flags) He asked us to adopt him. He says he wants it now- he says he doesn't need time to think about it. But to that question why does he want the adoption he wants to be legally part of our family, no children's aid anymore, no more kids in school thinking of him as the foster kid. My question really surrounded do we trust he knows what he wants when we are seeing red flags- and how do you balance the risk- emotional and legal for your own family vs what the children say they want.
As I said in the last message We have made our decision to trust that he knows his own mind as best as he can and while there is a risk that 2 years from now he may think differently and go back to his bios we have to support his wishes and take the risk on our backs (emotional and legal). Permanence is clearly critical to him and obviously foster care even with a family that is 150% committed to him is not good enough for him.
So open (to be clear) adoption here we go