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Hi, my name is Misi and I am 32 years old. I have 2 children..my oldest son just turned 14 last month and my youngest son will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. I decided early on in my last pregnancy to place the baby up for adoption, which I did do 2 days after his birth. I should say I did this without the birth fathers knowledge or consent. We were together when I found out I was pregnant..I honestly believe he popped holes into the condoms we were using to get me pregnant. This is the type of person he is..very insecure, untrustworthy, abusive and manipulative. I told him from the start that I did not want any more children. Needless to say when I found out I was pregnant he was thrilled..I was devastated. At first I was going to just suck it up an keep the baby, but after spending the winter working 40-50 hours a week while he spent most of his time in bed sleeping (he was fired from his job for drinking while he was working), I decided enough was enough and I left him in March. I told him I had an abortion a few weeks later. Anyway, I did not want this baby and I thought about it every day for the duration of the pregnancy. I knew I was going to give him up and I thought it would be an easy thing to do since I had time to get used to the idea and prepare myself. He was born at 2:18am on September 19, 2013..it was not an easy labor. I lost my plug on the 17th and started having contractions the next day. I stayed home as long as I could take it but the pain was too much so I finally went into the hospital. Once they examined me they found that he was starting to come out but he was coming out backwards and they had to rush me in for an emergency c-section. When I came to, I held firm to my decision and requested a social worker to make the arrangements. At first I did not want to see the baby because I felt guilty that I wasn't keeping him. But after 2 days I asked for him and when they brought him intomy room I fell in love with him immediately..he is beautiful and perfect and a part of me. All I could do is cry and tell him how sorry I was that I was letting him go. He was discharged 2 days later and I handed him to his new parents and kissed him goodbye. Now here I am with this scar to remind me that my womb is empty and so is my heart. I was lucky enough to have found him amazing parents and we agreed on an open adoption but I am dying inside. I just can't shake this feeling that I abandoned him. I have 30 days to change my mind but I know i did the right thing so I am not going to have it overturned. I guess I am just wondering if it will get any easier to cope with what I've done? Someday he will have questions for me and I don't know how I am going to face him with the answers he will be seeking. He is going to want to know about his father..I have no idea what I will say. I told the agency he was just a random one night stand I met in a bar and never heard from him again after that night. I didn't even give them his first name. I feel bad but I know he would have stopped the adoption and my son would have ended up in foster care because he is in no position to care for him. I know it was wrong but it was only so I could protect the baby and ensure he will have a good life. Any feedback would be appreciated..
I'm not really sure how to respond to your post, but I'll give it a shot. Your hormones are in chaos right now, which doesn't help the grief and loss you're feeling right now. The best thing is to join a support group for birth/first mothers, either online or in real life. (I prefer real life settings, but I'm an ancient old dinosaur, so what do I know, lol?)
You're not going to get many comments in response to you not telling the baby's father that you were placing him for adoption. What you have done, many of us consider unethical. It could also endanger the finalization of your baby's adoption...if he discovers what you've done. Secrets and lies are never good things.
P.S. I do remember the first six months as being the hardest after I placed my son. The pain will never totally go away, but it does get better.
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I know that leaving the father out of my decision may seem like the wrong thing to do, but I did it for all the right reasons. He won't find out about the baby, that much I am sure of or else I would have never done things this way. I only did it to protect my son. The father is a manipulative person and he would have only used my son to hurt me. He is currently living in the city mission because he has made no attempt to look for a job since January and after I left him he had no way to pay his share of the rent so his roommates threw him out. His own family won't take him in because he is a liar and a thief who will steal anything he can to support his drug habit. I did what I did to ensure that my son will never have to be exposed to that kind of lifestyle. Maybe it seems unethical but I will do what I need to do to protect my little boy. When he is older, I will tell him the truth and he can make the choice on his own whether he wants to find his father or not.
With that being said, thank you for your advice. It is getting a little easier each day and the APs have been sending me updates and pictures every other day and it always lifts my spirits to hear from them. We have scheduled our first visit already, they are bringing him next weekend so he can meet my son..I can't wait to hold him again! The APs I chose for him are amazing people and I never could have imagined this whole process to be this way. They are very clear on their intent to keep me involved in his life. They feel that it is important for him to know where he comes from and for him to have a relationship with him so he will never have to feel like something is missing from his life. It is absolutely mindblowing that they are so open to keeping me in his life. I was terrified that once I signed the papers I was going to lose him forever, but this way he will get the best of both worlds and he is going to gain so much from it. As much as it hurts that I don't have him with me, I know I made the right choice and I hope when he is older he will understand.
I do understand your rationale and reasons for not naming the father, so he would not be required to sign the relinquishment papers. I still don't think it's morally right, but I know that you're protecting your son. I hope that in the future, you'll be more careful when selecting a partner or boyfriend. Too many women leave abusive partners and spouses only to end up with another abusive, manipulative man. Are you receiving any therapy or counseling? Sometimes a trusted counselor or therapist can help us see things that we would never have realized without their help. I know that therapy in the past has helped me immensely.
You are very fortunate that the aparents are sending you pictures of the baby every other day or so. I would have given my eyeteeth for that blessing back when I placed my baby son for adoption. But I surrendered during the Baby Scoop Era, a time when there were no open or semi-open adoptions.
P.S. Do the aparents know that you purposely didn't name the father? If the birth father discovers he has a son who was placed for adoption without his consent, he can contest the adoption. That's what I meant in my previous post about the situation possibly threatening the finalization of the adoption.
Trust me, I've more than learned my lesson when it comes to my choice in boyfriends. At this point, I honestly plan to stay single for the rest of my life. I know that sounds a bit far fetched but I have no desire to persue any type of intimate relationship and I could care less if that means I will die alone. My kids are the only men in my life now, and I don't ever want to end up in this situation again so either way I am going to get the 5 year IUD shot to ensure I won't be having any more children (not that I ever plan to have sex again but you never can be too careful). Again, I am 100% certain that the father will not find out about the baby. I've had no contact with him since 2 weeks after I left him (at which time I told him I had an abortion) and he does not know any of my friends or family..besides that no-one knew I had a baby anyway with the exception of my mother and I know she isn't going to say a word because she agrees with my decision as well.
Yes, I am in counseling. The agency provided me with a counselor and I also have an upcoming appointment with a local outpatient program. I have also joined some support groups online and the agency has a birthmom support group I will also be taking part in. I know it is important that I talk openly about my feelings and the counseling is really helping.
No, the APs are not aware of my decision to keep the father uninvolved. I don't want them to worry about it and again, I honestly don't feel that there is anything to worry about. He is not going to find out about this and my son will be able to have a great life as a result.
I do feel very fortunate to have an open adoption. I don't know if I could have gone through with it if it had been closed. I have been blessed with amazing APs and I know mine is a rare situation. I'm sorry you had a closed adoption..my mother also had a son when she was only 16 and my grandmother forced her to place him into a closed adoption. We have been searching for my brother for years but because the adoption was closed we have had no luck thus far...