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hello all, I am new to this site and it would be so helpful if I can get some insight from birthfathers. Here is some background info. i was adopted in 1969 and when i was 26 was contacted by my birthmother. she explained she and my birthfather were 15 when she got pregnant. she was sent to her aunts house till i was born. aside from them only her mother, my birthfather and his parents knew about me. my bmother thinks it didn't affect him since they were forbidden to talk about it and or to each other. they secretly met only one time a few months after i was born and right before his family moved across country. shortly after meeting my bmother she contacted my bfather's mother and told her we had met. she asked if she could ask her son if he was interested in any contact w me. his mother was apprehensive and said he never told his family. bmother asked at the very least if he could drop a short letter about himself in the mail no return address. she agreed and said she would call her after she spoke with him. a few months later when she didn't call my bmother called her again. she said she spoke to him and while he was happy that we had reunited he had to protect his family and was afraid a letter wouldn't be enough for me. after learning more about the way times were back then i don't know if i trust that his mother spoke with him. And even if she did that was 18 years ago and perhaps he would feel differently now. I have a letter and and a pic that i am going to send him certified at work in 2 envelopes with the inside one marked confidential so his secretary doesn't open it. Do you think a boy of 16 forgets about it and it had no impact on him? Thanks for taking the time to read about my situation. it's its very hard to find good information on how birth fathers feel so i welcome your thoughts.
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Welcome to the forum! I am a birth father I think about my kids everyday. He did not forget and it did have a impact on him. People involved in adoption tend to have it in their heads that as men we don't care or a adoption will not affect us like it would the birth mother. As much as one would think that with the passage of time these notions would change, I can tell you as a person would went through this only 8 years ago it has not. How the birth mother is treated has changed some but I feel like birth fathers tend to be treated as a non-factor in this. In a few lucky cases you find that the people you are working with realize that they are humans with feelings, concerns, and go through pain over the adoption and treat you thusly. I would like to think that his mom would have realized that this is not about her and her thoughts and feeling about the adoption but about him and you. But dealing with people have made me a pessimist. I think it is a good idea that you sent him a letter like that. You found a way to try to protect him while still reaching out to him. I can tell you from experience telling other people is not a easy thing to do. My family and some friends just found out this year. And if it wasn't for the fact my best friend found out and was so supportive and encouraging I don't know if I would have ever been strong enough to tell them. It takes support to feel comfortable to talk about it. Support that he may not be getting from the people who do know. Hopefully he will reply and you two can communicate this way until he can gather the strength to tell his family.
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Sunnygardens,I'm an adoptee. I have to agree with you. I would never take someone else's word on whether or not a family member wants to communicate with me.... You have the right to ask him directly whether or not he wants to communicate with you. Plus, it sounds like you're saying that you initially tried to communicate with your b-father 18 years ago. Is that correct? At that time, your father probably still had children living with him in the home. His life situation is likely to be vastly different from what it was at that time. He deserves another chance to get to know you. I'm glad you chose to contact him yourself.I'm not a fan of attempting to contact people via work channels, but that is another topic altogether.I have communicated with both of my b-parents. Of the two, my biological father has been the one who has wanted ongoing communication. We talk every week. I'm sure that some fathers are able to move on just as some men (and women) leave their families to start second families and never look back. But, I think adoption does affect many (if not most) b-fathers. I hope he will want to get to know you, but if not at least you know that you reached him this time.
I would not trust 3rd party information. He is a 60 year old man. He has the right to know that you are reaching out to him and make his own decisions about whether there is room in his life for you. You have the right to hear directly from him whether or not he wants you in his life. Good Luck!
hello and thanks so much for the replies. i haven't sent my letter yet and have been anxiously waiting to hear some thoughts. i will probably send it this week. I know sending it to his work is probably not the right environment but sending it to his house is worse I think. i am going to double envelope it with the inside one saying private and confidential so his secretary wont open it.yes, it was 18 years ago that my bmom contacted his mother and I agree that even if she told him then that he may feel differently now. his kids are grown and maybe it will be easier now. i feel like i have to at least try and then i can move on. all your responses were really helpful to read. thanks again so much.
I am a birthfather myself, and my daughter that was adopted, is living her life..I am respecting that, and i am leaving her alone. I have faith that one day, she will rech out to me. Untill then I will do my best not to interfere with her life. You birthfather, could have done the very same thing, out of respect and love for you, he has left you alone, to live your life. Knowing that someday, when you are ready, you will reach out to him.
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Erring on the side of caution is good.Realize that he has a life now, too. Being the way things are sometimes, a direct non-pressuring form of contact is probably the best way to go. It allows him to deal with things in his own time, on his terms. Maybe his current family knows, but maybe he hasn't shared that part of his history.Good Luck, my friend. I'll be praying for you.