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before anyone hops on here saying I am angry/bitter/spiteful because of a bad adoption experience, I'm not. I was adopted at about 2-3 months by a wonderful family who love me very much. Got my first pony at 7...what more could a little girl want? Was raised in a "traditional" family...Dad worked, Mom was a housewife, that worked once my (older) adoptive brother and I were old enough to stay home alone after school, and not kill each other. (not really, but some one out there must know how siblings can be). I have always felt like I don't belong. My aparents didn't do anything to make me feel unloved, or anything like that, its just the way it is. I have known I was adopted as far back as I can remember (44 now), I have always wondered, if I see similar features on another person, "is that kin?" I have always wanted to know where I come from. My amom drove a wedge between us 25+ years ago, when she told me if I ever wanted to search for my bio family, she would help, but it would "kill" her. My adad seems to accept me as I am, quirks and all. and I love them, as much as I am capable of. read that part again...AS MUCH AS I AM CAPABLE OF. I have been told by a counselor that I have an attachment disorder, sorry can't remember the exact term he used, but I remember thinking that it was probably right. I have no doubt it stems from being adopted. My aparents are people whom I didn't choose to have in my life, yes, I DO realize, you don't get a choice in biofamilies, but I can feel the invisible bond between my son and I, and there is no such bond between myself and my aparents...I do love them, my adad more, because he accepts me and I think he would support me in my search, if I were to tell him of it. I am closer to my few friends and neighbors than I am to my amom, I don't trust many, and once that trust is lost, you don't get it back. I had the misfortune of being born in NY state, so, I have no right to know what my heritage is, other than what I can get from various DNA tests...they get expensive, and sadly, no one I am kin to seems to be interested in doing them, as I have very few relatives show up on any of them. I probably should be considered angry, but I am angry at the state government that will not allow me to know what my medical history is...all I have is that my bio parents were "healthy". They were 19. I keep forgetting that if you are healthy at 19, you never develop any kind of health problems.
thanks for letting me vent.
I totally get everything you have said - your upbringing, your amums reaction, your stronger connection to adad, having a pony.....oh just everything! I never felt that close to my aparents either. I love them, but like you, since having my own darling children, realise that that biological bond is not and cannot be there or replicated. So I think your feelings about everything you've vented are quite normal.....at least for you and I they are :)
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It definitely sucks.
I accept being adopted. I understand why my b-parents chose adoption.
I don't accept that adoptees cannot access their records and find their biological families once we've become adults.
I'm lucky. My state changed its laws, and I was able to get a copy of my OBC. Without it, I would have been like you. The non-id that was supplied to me didn't offer any clues to my family's identities.
Most states are on the wrong side of the morality line on this issue. It's not right that you are over 40 and still do not know anyone to whom you're biologically related.
And, it isn't fair that I had to wait until 40 to obtain my OBC.
I really hope that NY will change its rules soon. It's just wrong.
I
It definitely sucks.
I accept being adopted. I understand why my b-parents chose adoption.
I don't accept that adoptees cannot access their records and find their biological families once we've become adults.
I'm lucky. My state changed its laws, and I was able to get a copy of my OBC. Without it, I would have been like you. The non-id that was supplied to me didn't offer any clues to my family's identities.
Most states are on the wrong side of the morality line on this issue. It's not right that you are over 40 and still do not know anyone to whom you're biologically related.
And, it isn't fair that I had to wait until 40 to obtain my OBC.
I really hope that NY will change its rules soon. It's just wrong.
I
New York is currently, or just finished holding hearings on changing the law to allow adult adoptees to receive their original birth certificate.
Even Spence-Chapin spoke up in support of the law - of course there were those who spoke against but the legislators holding the hearings asked questions and seemed receptive. A mother / daughter due testified - the mother was the adoptee who had reunited / the daughter (young adult) testified about how her mom reunited also allowed her to connect to her ancestral heritage in the history of the states. The daughter was asked to do a intern project on that...bodes well.
Google "unsealed initiative" or go to my thread called Adoptee Rights in this forum that lists all the different states that have adoptee rights bills in progress, who to contact, bill numbers, etc,.
Join in and help get the law changed - even if you don't live in New York now your voice matters.
Kind regards,
Dickons
I totally get everything you have said - your upbringing, your amums reaction, your stronger connection to adad, having a pony.....oh just everything! I never felt that close to my aparents either. I love them, but like you, since having my own darling children, realise that that biological bond is not and cannot be there or replicated. So I think your feelings about everything you've vented are quite normal.....at least for you and I they are :)
I am so glad I'm not alone in this...thank you!:)
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L4R, you are indeed lucky that your state saw the error of those laws...it is extremely frustrating that I can't have any of this information. I'm hoping that NY will soon see the light. but am not holding my breath.
Dickons, if I live out of state, is there a particular person I should contact to offer my support for the opening of our records?
I would post on the Facebook page below. I think they would probably ask you to write to the representatives in the committee the bill is in right now - that is just a guess. The more groundswell the better.
[url]https://www.facebook.com/UnsealedInitiative[/url]
Even if you aren't a Facebook user you can view their page and they also have a separate website too.
Kind regards,
Dickons
Hi adoptedin1969,
I definitely understand everything you have said completely!! I have felt so many similar feelings. I didn't want to hurt my adoptive parents so i never brought up my desire to search.... finally i did with the encouragement of a friend and i had to put it in a letter because i literally couldn't say it to them..... i knew my mom would be really hurt and i believe she was but i also feel like things have gotten better since my search and finding my birth mother. It seemed like maybe her fear of what would happen when i found her was worse than the reality of it. I think she seems like she has gotten over it because she realizes that it didn't make me love her any less. I think I was also more angry towards her when i felt that i couldn't search because i would upset her. So yes, I definitely understand all of your feelings and it is so frustrating.
Things that helped me:
The book: "Reinventing your life" - by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko - Specifically the chapter called the "defectiveness lifetrap." --- This book definitely changed my life and its really cheap on amazon!!
The book: "Adoption Healing: A Path to Recovery" by Joe Soll----- this book has been really helpful too!
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Hi, I thought that something was wrong with me, for feeling like that and being blessed with such a loving, giving adoptive family. Even in relationships/marriages, I've Never felt I belong. I've never had that total feeling of security . Note, I was adopted my first hour, and I've known since an early age.(I'm now 45)
I was abandoned at birth and was "adopted" by a woman who had no idea what she was getting into. She and her husband had no idea what to expect when adopting and were not prepared whatsoever. My siblings were mom and dads biological son and daughter and always felt that I was never loved the same or given the same opportunity. I never had a birth certificate until I was 19 cause I was never legally adopted, pretty brutal. Anyway if you need to talk I am here....I also have no where to turn as I really have no family.
MY circle of friends is very very small cause I can't seem to maintain friendships, although I am married (2nd) and have 2 beautiful kids which I am thankful for. I am very new to this site and would really like to talk to someone who understands what I have been going through for the last 50 years.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Bill