Needing advice on the realistic expectations of adoption.

Congratulations on making the decision to adopt! Have you already completed the necessary classes (MAPP Training)? If not, get started on the classes right away--they take some time to complete. If you have completed the classes necessary to adopt from DFPS, I would contact your class instructor or case manager, depending on your agency's setup, and ask if there is anything you can do in the meantime to be prepared. When my husband and I were finishing our classes we were just about to move, and the case manager gave us a large stack of paperwork we could start getting together while we were waiting to move to our new home. The actual "house" part is a small component of the whole home study, so there is a ton of paperwork you can work on getting together and filling out before you move. There are questions about your relationship, support system, home life growing up, pets, previous divorces, everything. A number of other documents need to be collected as well, like Doctor's notes and pet vaccinations, and a budget needs to be made. Personal References need to be completed and sent it. They will run background checks and take fingerprints. It is an insane amount of paperwork, and it is nice to tackle it slowly over time rather than in one binge-session. You will not be able to meet the children until your home study has been completed and background checks come back clean. In our county you cannot meet the children until you have gone through the whole matching process and been officially matched, or you can meet them at an adoption event. I am sure it varies from state to state and even county to county how quickly children are placed. In our county, we would watch children and sibling groups come and go on the website while we were waiting for our home study paperwork to be completed--it was heart-wrenching! It is so difficult not to get attached to their photos, and each time another sibling group we loved disappeared from the website it felt like we were losing a future. Just know that if these four boys disappear from the website it is likely because they have found a loving family, and they do not have to wait in foster care a single day more. When you are ready to adopt and your home study is complete, the right children will be waiting for you.

First off, let me suggest that you do a great deal of research about adopting sibling groups, and especially those containing children past toddlerhood. There are some challenges that you would not face if you adopted children one at a time, or if you gave birth to children. As an example, the children may be used to taking care of each other, and may not want to transfer that function to you for some time, even though it is important that they come to see you and your spouse as the people who will meet their needs. Also, remember that one or more of the children may have undiagnosed or undisclosed physical, mental, or emotional challenges, and you may need to spend a great deal of time and money obtaining services for one or more of the children, without neglecting the others. So if you must wait to adopt, use the time to become a well-informed prospective parent. Meet others who have adopted sibling groups. Talk to parents on line. Go to seminars. And use your homestudy for one of its most important functions -- namely, preparing you for adoptive parenthood. The homestudy needs to approve your home and your fitness to provide a safe and loving home, but those activities are generally less important than the function of preparing you for the challenges of adoptive parenting. Most families who undertake homestudies meet the basic qualifications -- but all too few have a good understanding of the challenges they will face. Your social worker will WANT you to ask questions about available community resources such as adoption sensitive therapists, child proofing your home, dealing with grief about loss of birthparents, dealing with open adoption (if that will be the case), dealing with racial or cultural differences, etc. One thing you should know is that Americans prefer to adopt girls. As a result, boys tend to stay in foster care, overseas orphanages, etc. for much longer periods of time. Especially if at least one of the boys you are considering is of school age, another red flag for American parents, it is more likely that the children you saw will still be available when you are able to apply. In fact, be more worried if they are not adopted, as there could be issues that were not disclosed until prospective parents met the children and realized that there would be issues they couldn't handle, such as a history of sexual abuse, the effects of prenatal alcohol exposure, a complex or sensitive medical issue like a birthmother with schizophrenia (which can run in families and often doesn't show up until young adulthood), etc. Also, spend time working on getting into your best possible financial shape. Raising kids is expensive, no matter how you look at it. And adopted kids often need special services to remedy deficits and encourage healthy living. I don't mean to sound negative. I am VERY glad that you are considering the adoption of a sibling group, and especially an all-boy group. There are far too few families willing to do so. But parenting is a lifelong commitment, and it's really important to take the time to consider all the implications. It is quite possible that these boys will still be available when you are ready to proceed, but it's also possible that they will find another family. If so, don't lose hope; keep looking. You will find the children you were meant to have. Sharon