Adoptees should not initiate contact

I should have added that whilst my story may appear to be a negative one there is a positive to it which is why I encourage reunion if people want it. - I know my son is alive and well - I know he has and has had a good life - I know his adoptive parents love him unconditional - I will always love my son - I know he has a family of his own now - I know his adoptive parents have always respected me. - He knows the real truth why he was adopted - His adoptive parents know the truth now - He has medical information and I send his adoptive parents updates when necessary - He knows who he looks like - He knows where he gets his interests, likes and dislikes from, we are so much alike that people who don't he was adopted assume I raised him - He knows his family tree - He knows natural family members personally - He knows the door is always open a crack.

Both my son and I feel happier than we have ever done since our reunion four years ago. It hasn't been simple as our natural relationship to each other has been made fragile by adoption. But we try to be sensitive to each other, and we keep communicating (or explain if we temporarily can't), and we build new happy memories together. And we're honest with each other, using compassion and thoughtfulness. Adoption - that manmade system that swaps people from one family to another - ransacks through naturally profound relationships. It takes time and trust to rebuild those relationships again. But there is much inner material to help you, if you listen and allow it.

As Crick stated, it is important to go into reunions with as much knowledge as possible. It is important to be aware of possible negative outcomes, not just the positive ones.I have reunited with both of my parents. And, yes, I was the one who sought them out. I prepared in advance for it. I read b-mom accounts. I read adoptee accounts. I made sure that I was emotionally prepared for it.My mother decided that she doesn't want contact. But, my father and I talk regularly. I needed answers, and I got some. That was important to me. As Beth stated, the decision to search is definitely a personal decision. Some people have absolutely no desire to search, and that's okay. Some people do not feel emotionally prepared to search, and that's okay, too.If Sunshiny is correct and you're mother did die of Alzheimer's, aren't you at least glad to have gained that bit of knowledge about your family's medical history?

Hi, there are many more happy reunions then bad outcomes. We reunite people all the time. That doesn't mean adoptees should wait for the parent to search. Many of the parents want to find, and don't know where to begin. Come to fb: SearchAngelCentral for search guidance in all states. Theyy have the state laws on this wonderful site here. Learn where to sign up with the state registry, and what other places like [url=http://www.registry.adoption.com]Adoption Registry - Records, Reunion Registries, Adoptees, Search[/url] database. We recommend it all the time.

Reunions are not cookie-cutter relationships, i.e., each relationship is different, just as all people are different in many ways. Sure, there are similarities in post-reunion relationships, especially in terms of "pull back," but we all face different challenges and struggles. It's always important for everybody to prepare themselves mentally and emotionally before reunion takes place, no matter who did the initial search and contact. There are books, real-life support groups, online support groups, and other resources. My son and I were reunited for over 23 years before he severed our relationship this past year. I would never dream of telling other natural parents not to reunite with their grown children on the basis of my son's atrocious behavior. And there are plenty of days when I wish to high heavens that I never knew him. But I also know that it's a defense mechanism I use to protect myself. Truth be told, I still feel blessed to have had him in my life for 23 years and to know that he is okay. It's been difficult letting go of him all over again. Sometimes it feels more painful than it did when I relinquished him as a newborn.

I have the feeling I have more information about my birthmother than she has about me. If she doesn't want to have a relationship, great. If she wants to try, great. Why are you making such a Debbie Downer for anyone searching? For instance, I'm not expecting sunshine and rainbows. I would like information. More than that, I'd like to at least meet her. I don't feel there's anything wrong with that. Attitude does a lot to help or hinder.

In a perfect world every one who is searching would be rewarded for their efforts but it isn't a perfect world. There are no guarantees in life. Sadly there are people who have been devastated by the process on both sides of the coin. The first poster represents one possibility. It a very real potential outcome. If people are choosing to search; it's best to take off the rose coloured glasses and realize the possibility of being rejected or manipulated exists. We have to consider the facts and people should be prepared for the situation with as much support in place as possible. You have to weigh out the pros and cons and prepare yourself for some high emotionality. If you look at the situation from one perspective "knowing" is better than wasting your time chasing your tail. If it turns out the person you searched for isn't willing at least you know that. You can put it to rest. Take what information you gain as the best possible outcome. I look at this way. I could have lived in la la land wishing and wondering about something that truthfully might never exist or face my situation head on and find out what I could. It takes time to heal but in the end you know more than you started off knowing.

You have to remember that when people are hurt sometimes the things they say don't come out as we might say them. The OPs point that searching and reunion can be devastating for the adoptee is valid. And sometimes, we can go in with our expectations sounding appropriate and still get blindsinded. No, there's nothing wrong with searching. But sometimes, like for my MIL, the result is devastating and the effects can stay with you forever.

The adoption did that. And if it does, well, maybe it will help you treat people better. Personally, I'd rather know no matter what the consequences may be. But, of course, that's just from my own experience.I don't deny the OPs feelings, or that they're wrong for feeling them. I just don't feel it's necessary to discourage initiation of contact. I would just say tell your story and let people decide, don't tell them that they should or shouldn't do it.

I'm very sorry that this is your experience, but having been reunited with both my materal and paternal birthfamilies, it's the best thing that happened to all of us. And yes, I initiated the contact. My birthmother has since passed, and her parents didn't know how to go about finding me. They are older and not really computer savvy, nevermind that they really tried to keep me a secret. My father, he signed a document saying he would never try to find me, and was told I wouldn't know I was adopted. Both of my families have been missing me for 38 years. I was born out of love, given up for love, and loved my entire life by people I never knew. Granted, not every experience is like mine, and I know how lucky I am, but I'm sorry, I cannot agree with you that adoptees should sit and wait. We have a right to know, good or bad who we are.

For those of us who have searched and are still waiting, I'm unsure of the feelings of others, but, I would search and not wait.There are many stories on both sides that all the members of a family meeting for Sunday dinner, a Birthday, or other special occasion may be in the family group for many reasons.The fantasy I have is that they are in the family group out of the need to further their ideas of fellowship and love -- altho as is so often the case, they are there due to feelings related to their own agenda, no matter what that may be, or family concerns.Never the less they are there and given that opportunity. As one who has searched a very long time, I would reach out to my b-family and share my interest in knowing them and having them know me, I would not wait for them.I wish you the best.

As a newbie on this site, I'd like to agree... Albeit not from the States I'm going to have to look up a Debbie Downer!

Yes, wait as long as you can. I met my birth mother at 13 and it was the worst mistake of my life.

Relationships go wrong all the time. That doesn't mean that adoptees should wait to contact birth "parents." It is the adoptees RIGHT to contact the birth "parents" if they so choose. And vice versa, at age 18. The reality of it is that the birth "parents" chose to give an adoptee up. Thinking that reunion will be all jolly and feeling "whole" is setting yourself up for heartbreak. You don't know these people. And, they already rejected you once by giving you up as a baby. Adoptees who try to make contact have to be away that they might just get rejected again-- but, that too is a form of closure.

I think I was better prepared for rejection than what I found, which, while not sunshine and rainbows and unicorns, is a first mother who respects my right to drive this reunion at my pace, as this time around I am an adult who gets to make decisions and not the newborn who had no choices. I was rather stunned by her family's acceptance of me -- but I was never a secret to them, even if I grew up not knowing they existed. Respect on both sides has let this peculiar relationship develop without trampling either of our needs. I think it helps that she and I both like a lot of space. We have that in common. That said, I initiated contact because *I* wanted to know. I was preparing myself to deal with whatever came from that.