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Ive bounced on and off these pages for the past 11 years, dipping my fingers in the community of compassionate support and the wisdom one can only glean from other adult adoptees. In a species which simultaneously must connect and create others (scapegoats) to survive each member of the adoption triad feels societies shame; of abandonment, relinquishment, infertility҅. All the while the other, in order to heal, to form meaning, to create and sustain sustaining relationships, must find compassionate connectiona community of relationships of acceptance and healing where oneגs otherness disappears and ones outsiders understandings of the world is normalized, affirmed. In this are the fragile seeds of beginning to develop compassion for oneself; a gift and grace that is almost impossible to come by among those unwilling to acknowledge, bring to light or move beyond those who cannot observe the secrets of their shame.
I am grateful for this place.
I want to offer to any who might find value or dim light this reflection I wrote about my journey from the position of over half a century of struggling to find meaning and wholeness in a life fraught not only with the losses of my adoption but with far too many to name. (Anyone who wants can research my posts, Ive struggled with all of them n the context of my adoption at one time or another.)
One thing that often grieves me when I read other peopleҒs posts is how quickly adult adoptees self identify with what is wrong with them. Its often a relief, after years of struggle and uncertainty of self, to see all the indicators for Borderline Personality Disorder or some other DSM diagnosis or to read the Primal Wound and connect or resonate with the descriptions. IҒve worked in Mental Health and Addiction treatment for over 30 years, I believe these things are true, I can talk about my own diagnoses and symptoms; I also believe that they only tell a very limited truth about any individual. They always fail to see, to point beyond, what is immediately observable and direct one toward ones strengths, to core of compassionate and potential that was born into the world in them, no matter what their circumstances of birth.
In all my own struggle, when sometimes only a very small part of me clung to this, like the Roadrunner to the edge of the cliff, it is this central belief that has guided me. IҒve fought my way through decades of therapy (four therapists over 25 non-consecutive years), 25 consecutive years with two Jesuit Spiritual Directors, and 8 recent years of brutal (in a good way) clinical supervision. And, only now am I beginning to develop the calm, the equanimity, the compassion for myself that is the right of my birth, the birthright of any tender life.
I perhaps ought say that, Ive benefited immensely from the past 7 in trauma specific therapy with a therapist who is also adoption/attachment informed and who use EMDR in almost every session. Also, that IҒve benefited, even as a Christian clergy, from sitting loving-kindness meditation with the local Buddhist temple. For decades, I practiced Christian Contemplative prayer on my own, took it to my Spiritual Director, it was not until this adult adoptee sat in the community of so many others seeking compassionate connection did I come to experience a shift inside myself toward a compassionate connection with myself for which Id longed all my life, but didnҒt comprehend in both its presence and its absence until Id shared in their beloved community for many months. In return, the quality of my relationships with others began to shift as well.
All that said, I offer you my Birthday reflection for year 57, just me trying to hold and be held in abandonment, loss, sorrow, and grief; as well as compassion, hope, faith and Love:
ItҒs my 57th Birthday!
I talked with my biological mother this year for the first time, shortly before Mothers day. Now, for the first time in my life, IҒm celebrating another year of living knowing the story of how and where I was conceived and the story of my birth that against all the misguided 1950Œs wisdom and rules about whatӒs best for theses mother and their babies, she insisted on holding me before surrendered me to the care of unmet strangers with the benediction, ԓI love you.
In those first blessed and fragile movements of this life, where grief and love mingled in all tenderness and hope, the course of my living was set. This past half-century-plus, IԒve surrendered time and time, a thousand times again, to moments as heavy laden as my first. I have been called time and time again to learn that, faith and hope are all that abide, and that there is no stronger force, none in life or in death, greater than the arms of that same Love which, long awaited, held me for what could never be time enough, relinquishing me, in all sadness and uncertainty to all the precariousness that is living.
Faith, hope and that same Love have nurtured me into a heart of grace for the patients that we serve: My birthday wish for year 57 is prayer and meaningful action. Too many times, we must surrender lives struggling with addiction, mental and physical illnesses to a societys system (healthcare, mental health, social services) were no real help is available. We cannot say things like, ғgo here and they will help you try to end your unrelenting physical or emotional pain, or with a place to live, or food to eat, money for car insurance or gas so you can know the simple human dignity of paying for those thing with money you earn from the job that small bridge of financial assistance afforded. Or things like, ԓgo here and you will be able to get the best possible treatment for your normal human reaction to growing up in a family where those who ought to have cared for you betrayed that sacred trust.
A kind PCB friend said to me, not all that long ago, ԓyou could have chosen to do horses or anything, but you chose this (things religious). What she didnԒt know is that, I could not, cannot, choose anything less than living the Love of my mothers benediction of my life; to pray and try to live as if the Word has a bit of flesh on it and to pray and try to act CompassionҒs love in the world
Please spend some time today praying and acting for a more just, compassionate system for the least among usŅ.
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