Broken and Blaming

I got pregnant out of wedlock in 1990. I was forced by my parents to make a choice, have an abortion, or give up my daughter at birth. If I didn't I would be disowned by them. I had no other family to turn to and my grandmother told me that I was stressing out my parents and that she would never talk to me again unless I did the "right" thing. After they dragged me to an abortion clinic and tried to physically force me out of the car, they drove me to a pregnancy home and left me there. I had counseling where everyone told me that I would be "doing the best thing for the child" and it would be selfish to try to keep her. I had always wanted a daughter, and when she was born, I wanted to keep her with everything in me. I resisted signing the papers, but under non-stop stress, threats from my abusive boyfriend who I left after getting pregnant, and cooertion from my parents and the adoptive parents I relinquished my rights. To give her a better life with something I didn't have. A BIG family and parents who would give her the world. Soon after that I began the fight for my life as I was diagnosed with cancer. When I finally got better, I asked the amom if I could visit and she said no. I was devastated because she has promised an open adoption. DEVASTATED. My dad then grew a heart and felt bad. He said, she is only two years old, take her back. You can get her back. I said no that would not be fair to her. I wanted to with all my heart get her back but I didn't want to hurt my daughter who had already bonded with her afamily. 23 years later, I am still angry at my parents. I have contacted my daughter and had brief talks with her for a few years now. I send presents to her, but she has a HUGE family and although she is nice to me, I do not know if she sees my as a family member as I would like to be. She really does not need me. But I need her. I saved her life when my parents tried to get me to abort her. I was young and scared and I did what I didn't want to do. I don't expect gratititude. But I am hoping we can be close. I am having a hard time with a relationship with my parents and I am feeling rejected by my daughter. I would like to claim her as my daughter and make up for lost time. She is more than willing to accept gifts from me but she doesn't remember my birthday or anything. Maybe I am expecting too much. I wrote all of this to say that I think the loss accompanying adoption is something that no one ever thinks about. People want babies at any cost and do not think of the pain it causes. I got nothing. No counseling. Nothing. And I know that things are slightly different now and there is more support out there for young mothers. It is heartbreaking. I would have been a great awesome mom if someone had helped me onto my feet and let me know there were people or agencies willing to help when my parents flaked on me. Adoption equals loss no matter how you slice it.