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Hello,I hope it's okay to post here, I was adopted as a baby and just have questions and was hoping maybe someone can help. Definitely do not want to upset anyone.I was adopted at 4 months old, my bmom was single and already had a small child by another father, the social services told her I was going to be adopted, she had no choice. I was adopted by a very wealthy couple, my afather was an abusive alcoholic.All my life I've felt "lost", searching to belong somewhere, several years ago I decided to search for my bmother, long story short I found her, (all our contact was by email at first) she said she was very happy to hear from me, that she had never ever wanted to let me go but she was given no choice. I have several 1/2 siblings, my bmom told one of them but refused to tell the others, also she would not tell me who my father was as he did not know about me, would have a family now...I thought that was wrong of her not to tell me but she said maybe soon she'd change her mind...In all her emails she started telling me this is the way it's going to be, nobody else is going to know about you...I felt I needed for my other siblings to know about me, I yearned to have contact with them. The sibling that knew about me told me I could call my bmom, that she wanted me to call her, i was so happy and picked up the phone, my bmom had a fit, kept saying how could YOU do this, why would YOU think you can call me, the way she spoke to me...it was so awful, I felt like dirt and was so upset. She went on and on speaking to me so badly so in the end I just said goodbye.To this day I sob over all this. No more contact so I contacted my other siblings who were again very happy to hear from me, they even phoned me several times then....nothing, they never replied to my emails, it all just stopped. Several of them told me what my bmom was saying about me, the things I'd said to her which was totally untrue, I was never unkind to her, actually I was always very concerned about her feelings.Why would my bmom behave this way, all my life I was told she never wanted to let me go, she actually fought to keep me, why would she be so unkind??I needed to know what she looked like, what was her name, what happened?? do I look like her, ( I look very much like her)what is she like?....all my life I looked like no one, always noticing when family members resemble each other.I don't know how not to be so upset over this, the hurt is so deep, I feel worthless, not wanted, I have my own daughter now, love her to pieces but this haunts me.I was told by one sibling bmom was scared of others finding out but why be so cruel to me? Has she really gone on with her life without a second thought about me? Thank you for listening :love:
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Tannis101
Hello,
She went on and on speaking to me so badly so in the end I just said goodbye.
Why would my bmom behave this way, all my life I was told she never wanted to let me go, she actually fought to keep me, why would she be so unkind??
I don't know how not to be so upset over this, the hurt is so deep, I feel worthless, not wanted, I have my own daughter now, love her to pieces but this haunts me.
I was told by one sibling bmom was scared of others finding out but why be so cruel to me?
Has she really gone on with her life without a second thought about me?
As a Bmom I cant imagine why she would treat you that way but I know that I havent told my friends about the child I gave up for two reasons. One is that it was a painful time when I was young and its not who I am today and I guess its the fear of being judged for something I obviously wish I could do differently. Second reason is that its hard to open up your life and then only be allowed to be involved in my daughters life the crumbs Amom would give me or the little bits I got to see or be a part of. So its not like I could invite her to all our events or take pictures etc you are only allowed limited things so its hard its not easy to have both worlds collide your past even tho it created this beautiful child it has so many strings attached its just painful all the way around.
You want to treat this child with respect, love, kindness etc but you dont really know what they want from you what are you allowed to give them :(
Dear Tannis
You don't deserve that, love. I am so sorry you've had to face that, I can hear how deeply painful it is and how much it has hurt you.
Know in your heart that it is not about you. It is about her. You may not know her reasons for such behaviour, but it is about her, not you.
Adoption mangles the natural, deep relationship between a mother and her child. Secrets mangle it more. It is the man-made weirdness of adoption that does this, and it takes a lot of work to hear each other truly, and some never do. I hope your mother does - you are so worth it.
Just remember that - no matter how anyone else behaves, no matter how adoption and secrets have damaged your mother, that does not describe your worth. You are worth loads. You always were and you always will be.