Need help in understanding my bmom

Hello,I hope it's okay to post here, I was adopted as a baby and just have questions and was hoping maybe someone can help. Definitely do not want to upset anyone.I was adopted at 4 months old, my bmom was single and already had a small child by another father, the social services told her I was going to be adopted, she had no choice. I was adopted by a very wealthy couple, my afather was an abusive alcoholic.All my life I've felt "lost", searching to belong somewhere, several years ago I decided to search for my bmother, long story short I found her, (all our contact was by email at first) she said she was very happy to hear from me, that she had never ever wanted to let me go but she was given no choice. I have several 1/2 siblings, my bmom told one of them but refused to tell the others, also she would not tell me who my father was as he did not know about me, would have a family now...I thought that was wrong of her not to tell me but she said maybe soon she'd change her mind...In all her emails she started telling me this is the way it's going to be, nobody else is going to know about you...I felt I needed for my other siblings to know about me, I yearned to have contact with them. The sibling that knew about me told me I could call my bmom, that she wanted me to call her, i was so happy and picked up the phone, my bmom had a fit, kept saying how could YOU do this, why would YOU think you can call me, the way she spoke to me...it was so awful, I felt like dirt and was so upset. She went on and on speaking to me so badly so in the end I just said goodbye.To this day I sob over all this. No more contact so I contacted my other siblings who were again very happy to hear from me, they even phoned me several times then....nothing, they never replied to my emails, it all just stopped. Several of them told me what my bmom was saying about me, the things I'd said to her which was totally untrue, I was never unkind to her, actually I was always very concerned about her feelings.Why would my bmom behave this way, all my life I was told she never wanted to let me go, she actually fought to keep me, why would she be so unkind??I needed to know what she looked like, what was her name, what happened?? do I look like her, ( I look very much like her)what is she like?....all my life I looked like no one, always noticing when family members resemble each other.I don't know how not to be so upset over this, the hurt is so deep, I feel worthless, not wanted, I have my own daughter now, love her to pieces but this haunts me.I was told by one sibling bmom was scared of others finding out but why be so cruel to me? Has she really gone on with her life without a second thought about me? Thank you for listening :love: