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Have others out there had their adopted foster children search for their birth mom and how did it go? What are the things you wish you had known beforehand? Is there anything you wish you had done to help prepare your children or yourself? The birthmom of our 3 kids abandoned them and had pot, meth and alcohol abuse issues and a criminal history, as well as a series of abusive boyfriends. Nevertheless our kids think of her as MommyӔ and have many fond memories and want to search for her when they turn 18. My husband and I know that we have to talk carefully about the subject, because they thing of her very differently than we do. We think it is likely hat her substance abuse issues are still there (or worse) and that they could likely have other half-siblings in the 9 years it has been since they last saw her. Any advice of how to prepare or what to expect would be useful.
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I am new to the site and see you posted this 4 years ago. I don't know how you, as an adoptive parent totally feels. But I do know what it is like to be adopted AND place a child for adoption. I was adopted from foster care when I was 2 years old. Growing up I heard not great stories about my mother and parents. I did not believe them. In my head they were "Mary Poppins" or too young and decided to do what was best for me and couldn't take care of me. The more bad stories, the more I resent my adoptive mother and the more I rebelled. I needed to have this image in my head, because if not; I thought I wasn't good enough for my biological mom. I thought she didn't want me. The ONLY way for me to make it okay, was to live in my fantasy land that she decided to do it because she loved me so much. When I eventually met my biological birth mom, my burning questions was "WHY?" "Was I good enough for you?" "Who do I look like." I met my biological mother and the truth is...she is NOT Mary Poppins. She is a decent person who had disabilities and problems beyond her control (in your children's case drugs IS a disability, my bio moms case of mental impairment). You know what happened? I stop rebelling. I appreciated my adopted mother more. I got my questions answered. I got closure. When allowing or helping you children meet this biological mother, stop being afraid. There is legally nothing she can do to take your children from you. She is of no threat to your relationship with your children. She is no threat to your children. Your job is to always look out for your children. They need to know why. They need to see for themselves. They need to decide for themselves. Do you think for one second they will love her or anyone more than you and your partner? NO, they won't. You wiped their tears, you held their hands, you taught htem about life. You are important. I hope this helps.
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