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Hi hoping someone else is having the same issue as I am. My story is this, I was adopted when I was 6 weeks old by a wonderful family who already had 3 natural children and an adopted daughter when they chose me to finish off their family. I grew up knowing that I was adopted but it never bothered me because Mum and Dad always told me that there was a wonderful woman out there somewhere who for some reason could not raise me so she made the brave decision to give me up for adoption and made it possible for them to get the most precious gift, ME. I love my adoptive family very much and they will always be my family.
About 20years ago I started looking for my birth mother after having my second daughter, I keep thinking how hard it must have been for her to give me up. Anyway, I look for many years with the help of my Dad but we had no luck. I have always lived in hope that one day I would find her. With the information I discovered about my birth mother was the fact that she got married less than 12months after I was born, so I always hoped that maybe my birth parents got married.
Well, I received a letter on the 28th August 2013 from my birth mother, I was floored. It turns out she had been looking for me for just as long as I had been looking for her. I called her the next night and discovered that yes, my birth parents did get married and proceeded to have 3 more daughters and a son. They were forced to give me up as they were not married. So I have a full blood birth family. A week later I meet my birth parents and my 3 sisters plus a niece. Everything has been going so well and my adoptive brothers and sisters couldn't be happier for me. My Dad passed away 10years ago and my Mum has alzheimer's and I haven't told her as she wouldn't cope at all.
I have no trouble working out my relationship with my birth siblings but I am having trouble trying to work out in my head the relationship with my birth parents.
My birth parents have come out for a visit with us, staying in their caravan, and they are helping out a lot. It's not that we don't get on because we really really do, we totally clicked as soon as we meet. I don't know how to place them in my family relationships, I don't know if this is making any sense at all. I haven't had my parents around me a lot for many years and now I have another set of parents wanting to be with me. I sort of feel like I am being smothered even though they are not pushy or smothering.
Does anyone else have this issue or any suggestions for me. Thanks in advance
Well, I did have a chat with my bmother yesterday and tried to explain how I was feeling and thankfully she understood and told me I didn't have to try to put it into words as we are all trying to work it out. I was mainly worried that it would hurt or upset her but she seems to be ok with it and is giving me space even though at the moment they are staying in their caravan which is parked in our yard. I am very thankful to those of you who have commented on my post and you have helped me.
I am so pleased to have found the site, I will be coming here a lot. :)
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I'm thrilled to hear it worked out for you! This process is very hard from what I've read. There are some great adoptee on here who have been there. Good luck!
I'm thrilled to hear it worked out for you! This process is very hard from what I've read. There are some great adoptee on here who have been there. Good luck!
You said your reunion is still pretty new - just a few months now, right? It can be hard to figure out exactly where everyone fits when you're suddenly facing a "new" extended family, complete with expectations, misunderstandings, etc. And it's even harder when emotions are running high and feelings are so fragile.
So, it's great that you've united with your birth parents and siblings. But I'm sorry that some of the details of your reunion have been causing you stress!
It says good things about you and your birth parents that you were able to speak with them honestly about your discomfort... and that they heard you out and understood.
Hopefully, open communication will continue to be possible between you all - so things don't fester and grow into big problems along the way.
Best of luck to you as your reunion continues! :)
It is difficult to work out relationships with bparents but I am hoping that we can keep open communications. They are saying that they want to stay with us until our eldest daughter has her baby which is due 22nd March as this will be the first great grandchild they have known since birth. I am hoping I can make it that long but I am not sure and I don't want to disappoint them but if I feel I can't cope I will have to ask them to maybe stay at a caravan park until bub arrives. I was actually talking to my oldest asister last night and she although very happy for me is concerned that I am putting their feelings before my own. I love the fact that I can talk to my asiblings about this although they are the first to admit that they can only imagine what I am going through. Up to this point I have been more concerned with my bparents feelings and not wanting to upset them but I now realise that I cannot ignore my own feelings and if I am coping or not. So even though I am determined that I will make this work I wil,l in my big asisters words 'be kind to myself' and speak up if I feel it is needed.
So fingers crossed things will continue to go well but I guess I am learning as we go along that my well being emotionally is just as important as theirs and I will not put myself on the backburner.
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I think being camped out in your driveway until "YOUR" grandchild arrives is a bit forward. Do they live very far from you normally? How long until bub arrives? trmaree you do have to take care of yourself first. Your not pushing them out of your lives and your not saying you don't want anything to do with them but it sounds like you need your space and if they can't simply wait by the phone for the call then perhaps they're being a bit selfish (understandable) but still a bit selfish.
Maybe it's time for talk #2. I'm sure if you say you just need some space right now and that you'd prefer it if they waited for the call that bubs was on his way vs. staying with you until the arrival.
We're always here to support you and keep us updated on your progress. Adoption is tough!
Thanks wrking21, yeah it is tough going. Bub isn't due till the 22nd March so it is a while yet. I think another talk is on the way unfortunately. I am hoping they will understand. Unfortunately, other adoptees and some bparents will understand how difficult it is and it is really hard to put in to words how I feel. Believe me I can totally understand where they are coming from and how they want a relationship with me but I am a person who really doesn't like hurting other people, it hurts me too. I am very lucky that I have been found by them after all these years and have had a lot of questions answered but I am feeling that they want to step straight back into being my parents, my bmother in particular, and I am just not wanting that. I have parents and I am not trying to be nasty to my bparents but they can't be my parents. I am 46 years old and don't need another set of parents who want to parent me. Does this make sense at all?
My bparents travel around Australia in their caravan and have, when they stop for a while, been based out of Townsville which is about 13 hours drive from me.
I somehow missed the detail that they were camping out on your driveway for the next 2 months...
Yeah, that's definitely a bit much.
I can understand what you mean about not wanting to hurt them... but also about not wanting a 2nd set of parents to try parenting you, as you are most definitely an adult - a mother and soon-to-be-grandmother in your own right!
I've heard a few birth parents say that it's hard to figure out how to treat their grown-up adopted-out children when they're reunited. They've held onto the image of the infant/small child they gave away for so many years, it's hard to see the adult they've grown into being.
I have sympathy for how difficult it must be for a birth parent to see that relinquished "baby" all grown up, having missed all the in-between stages... but you are an adult, and they must treat you accordingly. That means honoring your wishes and respecting your needs. In your shoes, I would most definitely need space!
You can't force a relationship on someone... it must be a two-way street. It sounds like, in their happiness to have found you, they've perhaps forgotten that.
It is absolutely fair to tell them that you welcome a relationship with them, and want to have them in your life (and in the lives of your loved ones), but that this much closeness, at this point, is overwhelming to you - that you need a little distance and time to wrap your head around everything that's been going on.
It's fair to ask them to give you space, whether that means being more hands-off and keeping in mind that you care about them, but don't need ANYONE to parent you at your age, or whether that means physical space and they need to find somewhere else to park their camper. If it's a little physical distance you need, it is fair to tell them that you'll call them once your daughter goes into labor (if that's what you - and your daughter! - wish), or that they're welcome to come camp out for a while once the baby's a month old, or whatever it is you and your daughter are comfortable with. You can suggest they stay at the place 13 hours away, or somewhere closer by, if there's a realistic alternative - again, whatever it is YOU want. I'm sure they'll appreciate assurance that you'll make sure to find ways to include them, no matter where they are.
But you do have to take care of you. (And of your family - I'm not sure how your pregnant daughter feels about your birth parents' constant presence at this time.)
Again, I'm glad you're reunited with your birth parents... but reunion shouldn't mean being smothered.
Emerald23 - I think you are spot on!
It's not like this is your child being born. I would talk to your daughter and see how she feels about all of this as it effects her as well. They've already been in your yard for a bit from the sounds of it. I think I'd tell them that you just need a bit of distance to process things. That you'll call them when the baby arrives (if that's what your daughter wants) and that you will see them soon. I'm not adopted and I have a great relationship with all of my parents (4) but I would HATE it if my parents came and camped out in my lawn. Close is one thing, in your yard is another. They could find a caravan park near your town and I would ask them to do so.
I feel for you. I cant imagine how difficult this must be. Most people struggle in reunion just trying to get communication down. It seems like you went from 0 to 100 in like 5 seconds. I think Dickons was sooo right saying slow things down. You need time to process and breathe.
13 hours really isn't that far away especially when you're talking 2 months. I think they'll understand; they must. Unfortunately; you had no choice int this adoption but you're helping to connect the relationship again and honestly it needs to be 50\50 thing and it seems like they're pushing their 50% overboard.
Hugs!
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Well, I have decided I will talk to my bparents this weekend and have my hubby there for support. My poor husband has been getting a bit of an ear bashing from me now that he is off night shift lol. He has been wonderful letting me get a lot off my chest, he has also helped me realise that apart from trying to work out the relationship with my bparents that also I have guilt about not being able to talk to my aparents about what has happened. My aDad passed away nearly 10years ago and I do know in my heart that he would be so happy for me and my poor aMum has alzheimer's and wouldn't be able to cope with this situation. This makes it really hard when all I want to do is talk to them, my older asister has offered to be a substitute which I really appreciate but bottom line is it is not that same. I think this will take a lot of time to come to terms with and I will try to explain this to my bparents this weekend.
My daughter who is pregnant is coming into town today and I will have a chat with her. Both my daughters seem to have accepted the bfamily pretty easily (easier than me lol) and just accept that they now have a very large family. The still call my bparents by their first names as they feel that they have grandparents but would not make my bparents feel unwelcome.
So keep tuned for updates after the weekend fingers crossed it all goes well.
I again want to thank you all for your help and support in my journey, it is so wonderful having people to talk to who have gone through the same situation or are still going through it. I realise now that this is going to be an ongoing issue that will take a long time to become easier. Answering that letter from my bmother was easy compared to what we are all going through now.
I think it's great that you're going to talk to them again. But remember just because your Dad isn't here anymore doesn't mean you can't still talk to him. I realize your Mom isn't in a place where you can talk to her about it but maybe if you wrote them a letter (that you dont mail) but just something so you can work through these feelings. Maybe explaining it to your birth parents will help you work through more of it. Good luck sweetie we'll be thinking of you this weekend!
Well, I had a very good talk with my bmother on the weekend and it went so incredibly well. She brought up things first that I was concerned about. Basically, they understand that this is incredibly difficult for me and in a way it is harder for me than for them. They in no way want to step in as parents and they know that will never happen. They realise that I will need time to process everything and if I find it gets too much for me all I need to do is say the word and they will go to a caravan park, it may upset them a bit but all they want is for me to be comfortable and if it requires them moving to a park then they will. She understand how I am struggling with the fact that I can't talk to Mum and Dad and that it makes me feel like I am doing this behind their backs (yeah, stupid I know), we talked about it and she helped me and she said that basically I feel what I feel and it is not stupid. They know I have a lot to work through and all they want is to have a relationship of my choosing and to be apart of my and my families life. They don't care how long it takes me to sort everything out they will still be in my life.
I can't believe how lucky I am that not only did I find a whole birth family but they are so understanding and don't think I am being silly about anything!
I feel a lot more comfortable now knowing that if it does get too much for me I just have to say the word, it has taken a lot of pressure of my so that now I can enjoy getting to know them.
My daughters are the ones at the moment who are having trouble understanding how I am struggling with it all but I will find time to sit down with both of them on our own so I can explain it to them. I know they will understand, I may be biased but they are wonderful kids.
My pregnant daughter is fine with my bparents staying until bub arrives, as far as she is concerned they are more relatives. She is a pretty placid person, goes with the flow so it hasn't been hard for her at all.
I want to thank everyone here for the help and advice I have received here, I don't think I could have got through all that's happened so far without everyone here.
I will keep the updates going and again thank you everyone.
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I'm so glad you did. Maybe just saying it took some pressure off of you. It's sooo hard processing these feelings especially when your Mom & Dad aren't there any longer to help you navigate their end of it. Sounds like your giving it a brilliant go! Best of luck dear. Keep us updated!