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Hello, this is a first post for me.
I am an adult adoptee (44 yrs) and have reconnected (email and phone conversation over the past 5 months-it's been pretty great!) with my birth mother. The reunion is progressing very well and there have been a couple things that have tripped my wife and I up lately (we are a team you know!).
My wife supports all that I am doing but we have noticed that there are some jealousy and inclusion issues that have cropped up. It has been pretty weird and certainly unexpected for sure.
While my relationship with my birth mother has grown (a VERY positive thing) my wife has had some admitted issues that are connected with my/our new relationship. She has had trouble with how attentive I have been to my birth mother and neglecting her (I have to say, I know this has happened-so that's a step). We both are able to talk about these things openly and I believe it has made our marriage stronger. It is still quite difficult at times though. We always manage to get through it but both started wondering if there is a real connection with adoption reunions and divorce rate. We can see how the new relationship could start to block everything else out causing stress where none existed before. Understanding that and changing behavior can get to be different things.
I acknowledge that my reunion is a whole new relationship and it has taken a lot of my thought in the past few months. Sometimes to the point of a lot of internal processing for me (and lack of communication outside). I know that I have to tend to all the relationships I have so I think I am on a good road for all of my "people" as it goes.
However...
There doesn't seem to be a deep well of resource for spousal situations in the adoption reunion realm (well, not that I can readily find, I acknowledge that). I am basically looking for any resource or experience that sounds/feels similar.
There is a lot of "working without a net" here and any help is definitely appreciated.
That working without a net can get pretty scary. We know this is all for the good (so far) but holy smokes! I had no idea about the other stuff!
Steve
Your relationship with your mom is new. Just keep the lines of communication open with your spouse. Things will settle down, and your relationship with your mother won't be as intense as it is now.
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L4R is right on intense and finding it's place within your life, not taking over your life. I know spouses can have difficulties to jealousies, and honestly don't know of any type of support place to offer. I'm also female and tend to get upset when left out too...
There are several books on the subject of search and reunion and the impact on others. This one was published in 2005 and might contain helpful info for your wife. There are other books customers who purchased this book also purchased.
[url=http://www.amazon.ca/Adoption-Reunion-Handbook-Elizabeth-Trinder/dp/0470094222]The Adoption Reunion Handbook: Elizabeth Trinder, Julia Feast, David Howe: 9780470094228: Books - Amazon.ca[/url]
Your recognition is a starting point. Make a point of thinking about her, take her on a date. Turn off your phone, computer at a certain time each night, and try to shut down the processing and wonder of your reunion. It's hard but try to be present in the moment - with her. The other thing if you aren't doing it - invite her into your mental processing, even if it is just bits, tell her how it feels to meet someone you never expected to meet, to have that first chapter being written - she is your other half....I know, easier said than done.
If your relationship becomes strained then seek out a counselor who is an adoption counselor because they can facilitate the sharing of how earth-shattering it is at the start of a reunion. The wonder, bemusement, the re-writing of what was to what is. They can give you both advice on how to meet in the middle and grow.
Kind regards,
Dickons
Dickons, I will look up that book. I have not found anything yet that "spoke" to me. Maybe that one will. In the meantime, we are going to continue to talk and have date nights and have "re-do's" when we need to.
I am a wife to an adoptee. I am 31 yes old. His reunion with his bio family was the closest to the end of our relationship I have ever been. I felt as if I was invisible to him during the first year of his reunion. I was not will to let go.of our relationship. We actually moved in with his bio sister and after not being his one he always turned to like I had been for 5+ years it was a hard blow to handle. Before we both moved back to the town we had originated in, I actually moved back without him in the beginning. I could not continue to live in anger, jealousy and feel the need to fight for my husbands attention. His sister and him argued often and one of their arguments lead to me realizing it was unhealthy for me and not where I should be. There were still issues when he decided to move back too about 2 months later; however, now we have pulled through and are very happy with one another. The number one thing I have for you as advice is do not talk to your mother about the challenges your having with your wife. My husband did that and his sister used it against us which was where I had to draw another line. If you have more specific questions or would like more info I am more than willing to share. It was a hard hard time for me as well.
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Hi can anyone help my husband of 16 years found his birth mum he messaged me everyday saying I’m his world he loved me then after his first birthday spent with his mum he woke up and said I don’t know how I feel anyone. His personality has changed changed the way he dresses just walked out on me and the kids with no contact can anyone help with this is it not him is he dealing with emotions heartbroken