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My 15-yr-old anxious RADish (recoils at hugs) has struggled for years, but in AT and beginning to see how her behaviors and attitude push others away. She's tired of losing friends...
However, just learned that she is being evil to older and younger sibs who are attached (younger) and beginning to attach/heal (oldest). 3 diff. Kids, same neglect, but 3 diff. Reactions to it!
Anyway, middle girl is calling other 2 "fat" and "ugly." (Not that it matters, but all 3 are healthy, beautiful girls!) When older sis (who is a bit slower in some things, but better at math) tries to help her with math, my RADish tells her she's "too stupid" to be able to help. (Meaning that radish calls older sib stupid!) And that one is extremely sensitive, so I'm sure that just tears her up! (Radish doesn't do it in front of me---they end up telling me later and she denies).
I'm feeling like I'm not protecting my healthier kids from the more damaged one and am thinking I need to keep her home when I let the others play outside (that's when she berates them, when I'm just out of earshot but can still see them).
Any ideas for me?:confused:
Ok, reading over this I can clearly see that this child MUST be kept by my side at all times. She's in a few activities where I sit near, so she'll still manage to get her digs in (like at homeschool gym class), but the rest of the time she'll be next to me while other girls do school, roller blade, ride bikes, etc. It stinks, but I've got to protect other 2 from her wrath.
And I'll find her a volunteer activity where she can HELP people and hopefully begin to feel good about herself so that she stops tearing everyone else down. (It occurred to me that she considers HERSELF "ugly, fat" (she's 10th percentile for height and 5th for weight! Very tiny!), and unloveable, so this is what she's been calling her sisters. :mad: It's depression and anxiety turned outward. :sick: Oh, and have I mentioned that this child's whole ambition in life is to "be a celebrity"?! I think this is due to the fasd and immature/fantasy thinking, but reality will bite her in the butt eventually. :rolleyes:
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Volunteer at the animal shelter - animals and hurt kids - something about it makes a difference. Volunteer to walk dogs together?
Just wanted to note that from all the adoptees I have talked to - animals, animals, animals - some type of affinity...
Kind regards,
Dickons
My RAD kid told my healthy daughter horrid things when I wasn't in earshot-- things he would NEVER say when I was present. Didn't take too long for me to realize that they absolutely could not be "alone" together (even though "alone" was fully seen, just a little too far to be heard).
How much have you told her siblings about her issues? Just understanding why she acts that way might help them keep from taking it personally. Don't make excuses for her, this behaviour is not OK, but do explain what is probably going through her head.
Also, make sure to make time to give each child 1:1 positive attention from you. That will help a great deal.
In addition, have you had any family therapy sessions (everyone attending together)? A good family therapist can be very valuable in picking out problematic family patterns that are helping to maintain issues in the family.
Lastly, if either sibling is really struggling, they should be getting individual counselling.