understanding adopted wife

I have tried suggesting individual counseling. Her take on it is why go when there is nothing to fix about myself. I wish she could see things from my point of view. Seems she is doing everything in her power to sabotage this relationship.

I am very sorry you are going through such emotional turmoil. While being adopted might be a part of your wife's issues, I think it sounds like there is a whole lot more going on with her. I realize there are always two sides to a story but if only half of what you are saying is dead on it doesn't sound like she has any intention of even meeting you halfway. It also sounds like she is using her adoptive abandonment issues as a form of emotional blackmail. If she is not willing to get any sort of help you need to do what is necessary to protect your sons emotional well being as well as your own.

Thank you for your replys everyone. While yes it is only half of the story it is very accurate. Im holding out some hope that through counseling we can figure out our issues. I have been seeing the counselor on my own for several sessions now. I have also extensively researched several mental illnesses which he agrees that she posses several symptoms of... npd,bpd,and bipolar. But I have also read stories of people on this very forum being mis diagnosed with these personality disorders when adoption could be a root cause. I have another counseling session next week and im hoping to nudge the conversation toward adoption. I know it can be very damaging to just come out and say "I think adoption may be an issue" but im hoping to just "stumble" upon the subject. Also since she doesnt know anything about her side of the birth family I dont know my sons medical background from that side either. I just hope I have the strength to keep positive im trying everything I can.

Hi concerned_1, sorry you and your wife, and son, are having to deal with such things. I'm glad you are trying hard to be positive about things and make a change for the good, for everyone. Hang in there. Have you two ever talked about finding information, especially medical, for your wife or son about her unknown side of the family? That could be one possibly safe way to start a discussion about adoption stuff. I've found with myself, and a lot of others, that timing is important when attempting to talk about things. I do much better in the late evening, on a calm day, when I am physically and mentally tired, yet feeling the need for some comfort, a hug, or something soulful. Like when I just don't have the energy to be tough about it, I can just think and talk honestly, safely, and then pass out asleep without having to answer or react to things. Many of those emotions are very unpleasant, and many of us avoid them due to it. It becomes a habit of sorts. So this idea allows avoidance of some of the tuff stuff until the next day - if you can sleep LOL Which I usually can, those feelings and thoughts are exhausting. Also, I wouldn't try to talk about anything if either of you have been drinking, even one glass of wine. Or when either are agitated, frustrated, busy with other things, etc. Things tend not to go like you might want them to! I think separate therapy is a good idea. Especially therapy with someone who knows about adoption. Even if it is online support "therapy" from other adoptees. Another hint might be to not say the A word too much. Just saying adoption can trigger defenses. Some of us find we have automatic defenses. Like, nope, I'm fine, adoption isn't a reason. Sometimes just the mention of the A word can bring up extreme anger, shields go up, guns come out. Try talking about it separately. Often adoptees have never seen it as a separate thing. Being given up for adoption, relinquished, abandoned, whatever word we feel, comes first. What comes after is another stage, another stage of emotional things to deal with. In other words, try to separate the mothers(and fathers) involved in her adoption. It really is two different buckets of things for her to sift thru and sort out. It's so much harder to sort out if you dump both of the buckets together when you start. It's not wise to mix the buckets until you check out each bucket first. Then it's easier to know what fits where, and why. There is a lot to read online about things adoptees can find to deal with. A good idea is to plant some seeds and see how they turn out. Comment or ask on one thing, like; Are you angry at your first mother? Don't say much else! Sit back and take note of the reactions. Give it some time and wait and listen for her to bring it up again with you. She may have differing thoughts later. She may spend time processing that idea more than before and come up with something she wants to discuss with you. She may find more anger about it, or less. Good Luck to you all, the more you learn about each other, the easier things may be. Please come here and ask questions! Unloading some of your thoughts here can be very helpful too, often embarrassing, but helpful:o

Thank you so much beth for your response. I would love to get her to do individual counseling but im afaraid unless she has a change of heart that its not possible. She already hates going to the couples counseling. She knows she is down,unhappy and distant and insists she can fix It on her own. She reads alot of self help books which I applaud the effort. And she tells me that by simply trying to think happy thoughts that she will get better. Again I applaud the effort but I feel that this might simply be a bandaid for possible underlying issues. And another problem is that there seems to never be a good time to talk to her. She seems to be angry at the world 100% of the time, everybody else is stupid and incompetent to her. Since I have known her she has always had issues at work and has only been able to keep a job for about 2 years max. About a year into our relationship she changed jobs 5 times within a year due to poor management at work. Also before we met she joined the military and was discharged one month into basic training for her behavior. She never seems to want to follow the rules and boundaries that others set. At home she seems to do the bare minimum so that she can say she contributes. Even financially. I provide most of the finances and when we are tight on finds she says I need to work more overtime or spend less. But then I find out that she has been spending 500+ dollars a month on beauty/hair products. When I confront her on this she just says its my money and I can do what I want with it. The problem is that she seems to be totally willing to put put our family in a financial strain so she can spend money on herself. Sooooo frustrating, she wont budge an inch on any of the issues. We have another therapy session this week and im hoping to nudge the conversation toward adoption without saying it.

So, it sounds like your wife's problems didn't just start after the marriage. First, let me say that I'm not diagnosing your wife. But, with someone who has NPD, which is one of the diagnoses you suspect she may have, there is a honeymoon period. They'll be your perfect woman--until they're not. If she does have NPD, she feels she has you now, so she can just be herself. NPDs tend to wear masks until they have you. If she does have any of the mental issues that you suspect, talking about her adoption issues will not fix those mental health issues. Adoptees do tend to have more mental health issues than the general public. Some of those issues, such as depression or anxiety can be lessened by dealing with underlying adoption issues.... But, with PDs or bipolar, no, those are two different topics. Is is possible that your wife developed PD or bipolar partially because of adoption issues? Sure. It's possible. But, helping her with her adoption issues won't fix any of the underlying mental health issues that you suspect. Now, if she has the mental issues that you suspect, getting help for those may help her deal better with any adoption issues she has.

Well, I finally found the courage to confront her on her issues and be very blunt about it. Over the weekend she finally pushed me over the edge to the point where I think I wanted a divorce. I let her know this and she broke down and again said how she always has felt abandoned/not good enough/ like no one will ever want to be with her. After she calmed down I asked her why she feels like this. She said I dont know, maybe because I had abusive parents or I was adopted. I then asked her if her being adopted had anything to do with the current state of our relationship. It was like a lightbulb turned on in her head! She said she has had these feelings since she was a young teenager but didnt know why. I asked why she has never opened up to anyone or felt close to anyone, she said she was akways afaraid they were going to leave her. I told her that we can avoid divorce if one, she stopped the affair with her boss which she has been hiding (which is what brought about me wanting to leave) and two, that she actively work on these issues through counseling which she agreed to. Neither of us knows what is going to happen but I let her know that unless these issues are taken care of, that there is a good chance that she will keep repeating these patterns. She knows all of the things that I have told her but I think she is not sure how to deal with them. We have a therapy session this week so we will see where things go from there. Thanks for everyones support

I think it might help your wife to find her birth family, especially her birth mother. Chances are this woman never stopped loving her or thinking about her. A reunion could help your wife to heal.

Porthos, Even in the best of reunions, a lot of emotions can surface. Many call it a roller coaster ride. It can have major ups and downs. So, it really is in the best interest of all involved to be as healthy and prepared going into reunion as possible. Yes, her mother may well be thrilled to see her, but what if she isn't? What if her mother has kept this secret and never told anyone? What if her mother doesn't want to talk with her or know her? What if her mother just wants her to go away? How will Concerned's wife deal with it? People often forget the trauma that our mother's often felt at losing their children. Some of our mothers just cannot deal with it, and they will not let us into their lives. I'm not saying that she shouldn't attempt to reunite. But, she certainly has to prepare herself for it ahead of time. At the very least, she should read about adoption reunion, and the emotions that both she and her mother may feel. Many go into counseling to prepare themselves.

It's very wise to take care of your own **** before attempting a reunion. And attempting a reunion while having difficulties in your marriage is probably never a good idea if you want to keep your marriage. just my opinion. Reunions don't heal what you can't recognize as issues for you. It's not fair to expect anyone else to fix you, or expect reunion to fix you. Reunion often brings up extremely difficult issues to deal with. If you aren't knowledgeable about the typical things adoptees often find to deal with, if you're not knowledgeable about stuff you are dealing with - it could be a very difficult, dramatic or impossible reunion. I don't think it's so 'fair' or compassionate to others involved to enter a reunion unprepared, expecting reunion to fix anything, when you have time to prepare. That doesn't mean you can't begin a search for info, I'd just suggest some serious studying on yourself and all that reunion could involve before making contact. For me, just finding one bit of info, a place, a time, a name, anything, left me processing and thinking for a long time before I could catch my breath. It's not always easy.

concerned1 I'm glad you got to talk, got to be blunt, sometimes that's what it takes however it happens. I hope you can find a therapist that is knowledgeable about adoption. There are lots of books that I know many can recommend (I'm horrible at remembering names of movies too :) Joe Soll's books, one for the mothers, and one for the adoptee, helped me understand so much, and myself more. Hang in there, sounds like you are doing good to me. Take some peaceful time for yourself when you can. Time does magical things sometimes.

She actually did touch on possibly finding her birth motther. But I agree with what was already posted. We need to be on solid marital ground before we go down that road. I think eventually that a reunion could be a good thing but we need to be prepared for all the possible outcomes. Believe me I have researched reunions aswell. All the possibilities. What if her birth mother wants no contact, what if her birth parents stayed together and she finds out she has full blooded siblings, so many possibilities! Im actually in a good state of mind right now. To me things cant get any worse. If she comes to terms with her issues then we can have a happy marriage and if not I can be on my own and not have to worry about having a wife that has affairs, its a win win from my perspective.

You're 100% right, but I have to admit that I laughed when I read your words. I think I want to embroider that on a throw pillow for my couch. :)

I could have really used a pillow like that about 15 years ago!

So Concerned_1 what has happened. I am in an almost identical situation and at my wits end.