Reunion advice please!

May 15, 2014

After months of searching for my bfather, I found him! The only contact information that I had for him was his work email and phone number so I reached out to him Oct 2013 via email. I introduced myself, explained the reason for my email, attached documents to back up my questions, and let him know that I wanted nothing from him only to know if he was by bfather. I received an email back (short and sweet) stating that he believed that he was not my father and basically said "God bless you and you family". I couldn't let it go and after a couple of weeks, I sent another email attaching adoption paperwork, a copy of my original birth certificate and the only photo that I have ever seen of he and my bmother (who passed away before I was able to meet her). I heard nothing....at Christmas I emailed again and just said "Merry Christmas" and got nothing in return. The silence continued until the morning of my birthday (03/11). It was around 6am TN time and I head my "ding" for email. I hadn't slept very well that night and was already awake so I check it. It was an email from him, my bfather. The subject was "Happy Birthday". The body of the email simply stated "I hope you have a wonderful birthday". He added a smiley face. I sat straight up in bed and said a few swear words and immediately started crying. I was a mess.

I decided to respond but keep it very simple. By the following Monday (St. Patty's Day), I hadn't head a thing so again, I sent a message basically asking if it would be okay for me to send him some pictures of me, my husband and daughter and if it would be okay to start to get to know one another. The response floored me.

The email began, "I've been in denial for 38 years. Your Mother broke my heart. It was as if she wanted to drive me away". The email continued briefly about the past but where it hit hard was this 'My family doesn't know about you and they never will as long as I am alive. I will take this loving memory to my grave".

Since the original email response he and I have continued to email daily and about two weeks ago, I received a call from him. Words cannot express the emotions that I felt hearing my bfathers voice for the first time. Just unreal. We began to talk daily and most days, he would call twice a day. Keep in mind that his family doesnt know about me so he purchased a ғburner phone that he calls me from. ItԒs pretty much understood that I dont call him, which has been VERY difficult for me.

At times I feel like ғthe other woman in an affair and am constantly carrying my cell around checking to see if he has emailed or called. About two weeks ago I sent an emotional email to him telling him how I felt about the reality of our relationship and how difficult it is for me hearing about his life, his wife and other daughters, my ԓsisters as he called them. The response back was just heartbreaking. He called two days later and told me that I had a family and that he had changed his mind about wanting to meet me and told me that he had the pictures I had sent and would reflect back on those rather than meet face to face. Prior to this conversation, we had planned a face to face meeting on June 16th and another one in August so this news literally broke my heart in two. I apologized and told him that I would just take what I could get and that I didnԒt want to lose him, even if it was just a phone/email relationship. Since that day, he has pulled back some on sending emails but still calls twice a day Monday-Friday. I rarely hear from him in the evenings or over the weekend. Its all just been so very, very hard. IҒm trying to get in with a therapist b/c I know this is bigger than me but I also know that most of you all know exactly how I feel. I do my best to hold it together during the day but if I allow myself to stop, I feel, and then I just cry. Keeping busy is the only way that I know how to keep my mind off of it all.

Ive been following this forum for some time now and have debated posting anything but finally realized that most of you can relate in some way. I just turned 38 and have a loving husband and beautiful baby girl that I know are here for support, but like most of you know, no one knows what I am going through other than adoptees. I can handle the emotional piece with some professional help as I have for most of my life. My question is what advice can anyone give me about next steps? I donҒt want to go my whole life without looking into the face of my father but I dont know how/when to ask him again for a meeting. My mind changes daily and I had decided yesterday that if he never brought it up again, I would drive to VA (IҒm in TN so the drive is about 9 hours), to the school where he teaches and just meet him only saying, This is all that I needed for closureӔ. I know the risk in doing this is that I might never hear from him again, but I feel like Im at that point again today where I just donҒt know how much more I can take. My heart is just so very sad.Thank you all for allowing me to share and best of luck in all our journeys.

candersonrnaz

May 16, 2014

Your story really tugged at my heart. I'm sorry you were not able to meet your birth mother. I think you have been so patient with your birth father. As I have read in other adoption forums, you are paying the price for your birth father's issues. We were innocent babies, victims of the society at that time. We were taken from our mothers, and now we are paying the price again.

I don't know if I have any advice for you but I will share my story as I imagine I may be up against something similar very soon. The one thing I will say is I do believe in being honest with your birth father about your feelings, so good for you. I'm curious to know - how old are his children? You must be longing to meet them one day as well.

I was adopted at birth in 1962 by two wonderful people and I had a very nice childhood. However, for as long as I can remember, I have had a deep curiosity and NEED to learn about and meet my birth mother.

When I was 25, I contacted a Confidential Intermediary group in Seattle, and my CI found my birth mother and forwarded my letter to her. Chris wrote me back and her letter was beautiful. She shared things about herself, things we had in common, described my siblings, etc. She explained that although she would like to move forward in a relationship with me, her youngest daughter (late teens) was taking every ounce of her strength and she would like to take it slowly with me. She ended her letter, "With love in my heart for you."

I was elated to simply receive a letter and I understood she needed time. It was so long ago, I don't know what happened, but we only exchanged two more letters, and then nothing. There was never an unkind word between us, but we just stopped communicating. I recall feeling at the time, "Well she will reach out to me when she is ready."

Fast forward to 2014. I can't believe I allowed so much time to go by, but I know it was partly due to being afraid of reaching out to her and being rejected.

The same CI group is still in business (non-profit), so I contacted them in April and they still had my file! I sent a letter for Chris that my CI was going to forward to her, after making initial phone contact.

When my CI called Chris' home, the call always went to voice mail. The CI's do not leave messages. Finally, on 5/2, the phone was answered by her husband. He gave the phone to Chris. When my CI explained, "You don't know my name, but you know the organization I work for," Chris said, "We're in the middle of dinner." My CI asked her if she would take down her phone number and Chris said, "No." According to my CI, she believes Chris knew what this was about as the CI group has a unique name that Chris would remember.

That was that. When there is no positive dialogue, the CI does not make any further attempts.

I will mention here that in 1987, when my former CI first called my birth mother, she immediately hung up on her. Later when the CI called back, she apologized and said she was glad she called her back.

Anyway, I'm not one to take no for an answer. On 5/8, after several hours at my computer, working with my daughter who lives in a different state, we actually FOUND my birth mother and my half-siblings!! I knew her first and middle names and that she had been married in 1964, so I searched marriage certificates and it exploded from there. That was one of the best days of my life. Slowly but surely, we confirmed details that matched things Chris had shared in her letters and ultimately I saw pictures of my birth family. I look a LOT like my birth mom!

On 5/14, I mailed a letter to Chris, along with pictures, and asked if she would consider opening her heart to me. Now I wait. She may not respond, or she might respond in a negative way. I will have to deal with that when it happens.

The main question swirling through my mind now is, I have located my half-siblings. They are all in their 40's (I'm 51 and Chris is 70). I of course want to meet them someday. If birth mom says no to a relationship with me, I will have to decide what to do next. I won't wait until she dies, as I think of all the years I have already missed and I don't want to miss any more. Maybe my brother and sisters won't want anything to do with me, but I would like the opportunity to try. I don't want to be the one to drop this bomb in their laps. I'm quite sure Chris has not told them about me. I want to give her the opportunity to tell them, so I will try to be patient, but for how long?