looking for input

Ruth, Not sure how many are still here regularly... Perhaps address / start out as per normal and then in the first or second paragraph start with (insert her name), I was so thrilled to hear from you, and completely understand how hard it is to respond and not know what to say, something we have in common but it gets easier each time and doesn't have to be lengthy. Tell her you have been thinking about things ____ might enjoy knowing, and perhaps she could open up a bit about what's up in her family, her favorite season and why, what everyone's favorite dinner, what her son is up to, favorite class, sports, hobbies is so we can compare notes... I would also include that it felt really good to send her a note after the surgery to let her know all was well - someone who loves ____ too. Something simple like that? Break the ice by telling her that that you find it hard to at times, but it can become easier with two mama's talking back and forth, everyday chit-chat type subjects everyone does to get to know each other. Of all the worries that I hear from first moms - it's that they are afraid to do something that will make them be cut out... Hopefully, you hear from the experts. Kind regards, Dickons

One of the things that I think would have made communication better between my son's mom and myself is if she would have treated me as an adult who had an interesting life. Things were always about her, not about our son, and so that soured the relationship. Kiddo is almost ten now. Where did the time go? Anyway he texts me now and he wants to know things like what I had for supper, what my favorite food, sport, athlete, musician, song, anything that can be a favorite. What is a normal day like for me. How are my dogs. How is my boyfriend. How are his grandma and grandpa. I guess those are some things that I think you could ask on behalf of your son right now. I'd also encourage her to ask questions about him, just common stuff. I think one of the things that some of us get caught up in is the idea that everything has to be a big heavy something, when really, it doesn't. Not every conversation has to be about medical conditions, DNA, and family trees.

Thanks belleinblue,I'm not really sure, with communication being so new, whether it's okay to ask, so I appreciate hearing that, at least for you, that is a good thing. I want to know about their lives - both for my son and also because I really do care about them, and I'd like to know that they are doing okay. I don't want to be intrusive, though, and I guess I'm scared that if I offend them we won't hear from them again. That probably sounds ironic given all the first moms who have had contact cut of by aparents or who fear that, but I really want her to feel comfortable being in contact with me, and I'm a little scared of saying the wrong thing.

Thanks belleinblue, I'm not really sure, with communication being so new, whether it's okay to ask, so I appreciate hearing that, at least for you, that is a good thing. I want to know about their lives - both for my son and also because I really do care about them, and I'd like to know that they are doing okay. I don't want to be intrusive, though, and I guess I'm scared that if I offend them we won't hear from them again. That probably sounds ironic given all the first moms who have had contact cut of by aparents or who fear that, but I really want her to feel comfortable being in contact with me, and I'm a little scared of saying the wrong thing.

Belle - really? about her? It didn't occur to her that the main purpose for the updates is to share about your child? Weird. Anyway, We have three sets of birthparents of our children, and write to all separately - except one birthfather who is not safe. Some respond, some get really personal, some don't respond at all, except every three years or so to say they like getting the letters. But the letters are similar. We will share a little about ourselves maybe, if something interesting has happened to our family, but mostly share what's up with their child. What they are doing, how cute they are, silly/funny/profound/things they say and do, what activities they are in, what they like or hate about school. I think they just want to see a into their child's life, how they are, how much they are loved, and that they are well. They don't want to hear just the happy things, either. One child's birthmother laughed and thanked me for sharing about tougher days with our toddler. It was real. And they knew their child was loved no matter how much lipstick they smeared on my antique quilt. I did have an awkward moment lat year - I shared that our son has ADHD, and got a concerned response that seemed defensive, letting me know that neither birth parent had it as a child. I wrote back that I had ADHD as a child, so he probably got it from me, and his athletic talent from them, since I have none. I guess sometimes you do need to be a little careful how something is communicated, I felt bad thinking they might think I had been blaming them for it. The birth parents who communicate with me do share tidbits of their lives, and I share more back. But for the ones who do not communicate, I still share milestones as well as little everyday things about their child. - how she says "yaya" for banana, or how he is enthralled by airplanes and loves to build model boats. Just let them know you care about them, loved hearing from them, and would like to keep communicating, to get to know each other better, and to have things to share with your son as he grows and asks questions. Also let them know that you are okay if they don't want to write much - it might be a lot for them emotionally. I'd ask them questions - not grilling, intrusive ones, but non-threatening, friendly ones like Dickons mentioned. Also, like Dickons said it might put her more at ease to know that you find it difficult to know what to say at times as well. Maybe ask her what kinds of things they'd like to hear about. Maybe there's a particular family trait (physical or personality) that they are curious if your child inherited it. Sometimes when my child would display a talent or was just plain awesome, I would acknowledge to their birth parents that I knew they got some of their awesomeness form them. Just some of my rambling thoughts... Hope some are helpful to you.