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So I want to write down W's story for her. Not an adoption story that is all sugar coated - a real story. We got her when she was 2. Very traumatized, hurt, scared and angry.
I have created a baby book for her, with pictures from birth on (of course the first 2 years only covers a couple of pages, since I have limited pictures), with birth info, developmental info I could glean from pediatricians notes, etc., and then a page on when she joined our family, and pictures and developmental info from then on. Your typical baby book, mostly.
I also have a file with identifying info on birth family that will be hers when she is old enough. It is a closed adoption for safety reasons, as counseled by the judge.
I have heard that telling the child their story is important, with the truth (age appropriate, of course). I read that where some foster/adopt parents have trouble is that they withhold information relating to the why of their removal and the child doesn't understand the need for their removal. Her therapist says to be honest in telling her her story. Then her anger, fear, struggles with trust, etc., will make more sense to her, and she already knows what happened there, even if she doesn't consciously remember it. And a straightforward story in book form is hugely healing.
I want something that is simple, age appropriate and honest, in a story form, for her to read. For us to read together. This will not be a book for her to share with anyone she doesn't want to (and even then, I'd encourage her to wait until she is older). It is not for even other family to read. It is her private story of her past and why she came into care. And how she specifically came into our family. There will be some good, soem painful, some not so pretty.
I guess I want insight from those who have experience here, who have researched, made one of these, those who have experience in working which children with rough pasts. What do I put in. How do I put it in? How much to put in. I guess I think that if I die, what do I want her to know? Maybe I make a file/document that tells her story with more brutal honesty (your dad beat your mom, you lived in a meth house, your mom was in prison when you were born, here are the court files, convictions, etc. I'm thinking these don't make it into the story book, but how much?
I want her to have a basic grasp of the need and appropriatness of her coming into care, of why she needed a new family, of what happened to her and her life. Why and how it fell to pieces. In a form we could read together and talk about. And she could read on her own when she wanted to. You first went into care at 3 weeks old, because... Then again at 7 months. And the reasons why - something like, Your first dad had trouble with drugs, and had a hard time when he was angry (like beating up a state worker who was checking on the kids - that led to removal #3), and with honesty (lots of lies to judges), and your first mom (also drugs and lies to judges) wanted you to be safe so she decided to find another family for you (because she wouldn't/couldn't leave him, and is still with him.) Obviously I would omit the parenthesese parts. I have some pictures (the same ones I put in her baby book), would describe how she came to be in our home. The fact that she had older siblings (that were not adopted - ugh.) I have only one picture of them together. I took one when we picked her up. They were all there together.
Thoughts? Advice? Examples?
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I have all the ISP paperwork and even mug shots to show my kiddo when appropriate. I think you have a really good idea about writing it down in book form.
It has crossed my mind what I will say when the time comes and I don't want it to be a big deal, just something she always knows.
One of my prayers is that she never feels that she was abandoned or unloved. We have a thing in our family for telling the birthday story on their birthday. It makes me sad that I don't have a birthday story for my STBAD but I tell her the story of how I found out about her and how excited we were to go buy diapers and formula. I have a picture of the first time she opened her eyes and looked at me. And that's what we talk about right now. I think when she is a little bit older we will add to the story that her birth mom and dad loved her but because of some things in their life that made it not safe, they couldn't be her every day mom and dad.
I don't know...it's very sticky. I'm sorry that's probably not much help!
I would suggest having the baby book out where she can show it to friends later if she wants, and then make her a book, you can use a notebook and page protectors, and that way you can make pages on the computer, make them simple for now, with more pictures than words, and then as she grows you can add more information if you want just be either redoing a page or adding more. If one thing seems to bother her you can remove that page till she is older. You could add pages with pictures of her on each birthday and what she likes, you know favorite food, toy, song, show, character, activity, outfit, etc. That will be fun for her to look at as she gets older and the fun stuff will be mixed in with the hard stuff as it's all part of her story. Write down everything, the good and the bad and your feelings and save it on the computer to be added when it's the right time.
I would suggest having the baby book out where she can show it to friends later if she wants, and then make her a book, you can use a notebook and page protectors, and that way you can make pages on the computer, make them simple for now, with more pictures than words, and then as she grows you can add more information if you want just be either redoing a page or adding more. If one thing seems to bother her you can remove that page till she is older. You could add pages with pictures of her on each birthday and what she likes, you know favorite food, toy, song, show, character, activity, outfit, etc. That will be fun for her to look at as she gets older and the fun stuff will be mixed in with the hard stuff as it's all part of her story. Write down everything, the good and the bad and your feelings and save it on the computer to be added when it's the right time.