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For any adoptee, it is an exhilarating/shocking/and minor horrifying experience to reunite with members of your birthfamily. The only way I can wrap my head around my reunion is to distance myself from it emotionally. I know that sounds wrong but it works for me. I have so many questions to ask them but none come to mind when we talk. Let me first give you my story, then maybe you can understand why it is so hard for me to ask them questions. My story isn't what I ever thought it would be. I was adopted by my adoptive parents three days after I was born. They had just lost a pair of twins several months prior, making them call me their 'little hope' baby. I have been called that for most of my life and it always made me feel responsible for their happiness. A year and a half after my adoption, my adoptive mother gave birth to my adoptive brother. We were close for most of our childhood, always leaning on each other. However, my relationship with others in my family changed at his birth. I had been close with my grandparents on both sides but my mother's parents began to distance themselves from me/become very critical of me. I have realized as I got older that my adoptive maternal grandfather must have hated me, despite my adoptive mother and adoptive maternal grandmother trying to shield me from it. He wasn't abusive but he could be violent and abrasive if provoked towards me. To give you an example of our relationship, I still remember him yelling at me and insulting me as a little girl when I took the last of the vanilla ice cream when everyone else was fine with having chocolate ice cream. What kind of man does that?? For you to understand why this is so horrible, I am highly allergic to chocolate and can't have it. So I was deeply affected and hurt by this man who basically showed he was alright with me dying so that he could have his vanilla ice cream. I never held any of this against my adoptive brother. He is a wonderful person and we are still very close. Despite my adoptive maternal grandfather's attitude towards me, the rest of my adoptive family showered me with love and affection my entire life. I have close relationships with all my adoptive family members and love them all very much. I have known I was adopted all my life and my adoptive parents have encouraged me to talk about it as much as possible. Even though I grew up in a wonderful family besides my adoptive grandfather, I couldn't help but wonder what my birthparents were like. I have always wanted more siblings but my mother was too old to have more after my brother was born. So I used to fantasize about my birthparents having lots of kids and how they were one big happy family and would be thrilled to hear from me when I finally found them. Trying to find them seemed to mount to an impossible task when I turned 18. I searched records, websites, and then hounded my adoptive parents for information. Both of my adoptive parents always told me the same information and said they didn't know anything else. I found nothing and gave up for a while after being hospitalized due to a medical condition and to finish college. After I graduated college, I renewed my pursuit and asked my adoptive parents again if there was any information they could give me. It was my adoptive mother who supplied a name. A name that she could have given me when I was eighteen and desperate for answers when a medical condition forced me to be hospitalized. A name that she had known my entire life and never told me. My relationship with my adoptive mother became fractured after that. We have never been as close as we used to be. I am still close with my adoptive father and adoptive brother but it is hard to be around my adoptive mother without feeling resentment. The minute I got the last name of my birth father, I searched online for information. With the kind help of a thoughtful nurse who assisted me out of the goodness of her heart, I found my birth mother's name and address. It took me several months to draft a letter towards her and try to figure out the best way to make the decision as painless as possible for both families. To my relief, she responded immediately back with an email and informed me that yes, she was my birthmother. Apparently, she had been looking for me for most of my life and had always wanted to get back in touch. Here comes the kicker. I had always imagined that my birthparents were one big happy family. I couldn't be more right. My birthmother is apparently still good friends with my birthfather. I am the only daughter she ever had and I have three brothers. One brother is my full blooded brother and the two others are my half brothers. All three are younger then me. They all want to meet me, get to know me, and develop relationships. It is almost like I never left. My birthfather has also contacted me and talks about how wonderful it is to hear my voice. I have a lot in common with both of them and feel nothing but happiness upon talking to them. This is where I am confused. My adoptive parents have always encouraged me to find and contact them only to hinder me in my efforts. They even expressed interest in learning about them but have declared they never wish to meet them or associate with them in any manner. I can't help but be mad at them even though I love them both very much. My birth family is everything I dreamed it would be but I feel dissatisfied and angry at them all the time when I am not talking to them. I can't seem to be able to voice my anger or feelings of abandonment when I talk to my birthparents and seem to be in an euphoric state the entire conversation with them. I have so many questions but I seem to blank everytime they ask me if I have any. My birthmother has been so understanding and kind to me, allowing me to make all the decisions on the pace on which we should proceed. However, I wish desperately that she would take command and tell me how this goes. This is all uncharted territory for me and I am scared I am going to mess this up. Is this a normal reaction or is something seriously wrong with me? I want to make this work with both my families but ever since I contacted them, it seems like everything is falling apart around me. Any advice or insights into my dilemma would be greatly appreciated.
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I will give you the same advice I was given almost 4 months ago when I was found by my birth family. Take it slow and yes everything you are feeling is completely normal,valid etc. I have been using my husband and best friend as a sounding board for these rollercoaster emotions. I didn't want to dump all my crazy feelings on my birth family till I have a chance to sort them out for myself. What I feel one day might not be what I feel the next. I have been very careful not to say something in the heat of the moment that can't be taken back later. In my case I found out I have FOUR FULL sisters WOW!!! My feelings have been and still are ALL over the place. Some days I am excited, some jealous that they all have this bond that I will never share in....not completely. I even have some days where I wish I could un-know because all that extra family seems like a lot of work LOL!
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Sounds normal to me -- and be kind to yourself. I'm in my third year of reunion and I still get struck dumb when face-to-face with my birthmother. I KNOW I have questions. But I can't seem to find them when we're there and she's in front of me. Best thing I did, six months into reunion, was find a good counselor. I needed to talk to someone impartial, someone familiar with adoption but not biased by their relationship with me (my friends) or by their own issues (my adoptive family) with my search. Sometimes the roller coaster is too much for me, so I can't expect any one other person in my life to bear the full brunt of it. What I learned was that processing is just that -- a process. You're not falling apart, and neither is your entire family-as-you-know-it, nor the family you're just meeting. It's just the spinning in your head that makes it feel that way. It won't stop as fast as you'd like, probably. I'm so glad your first family is open and welcoming. Half of mine is, too. Frankly that's almost as overwhelming as if they'd been distant, but in a good way.
As a bmother in reunion, Im quite sure that your bmom is also processing a lot of emotions and trying to navigate everything too. She wants to give you the freedom and control to make the decisions so that you donҒt feel any pressure. Early reunion is toughest because everyones nervous and wanting to keep things light and easy. But all the while there are so many emotions going on underneath. Can you maybe write down your thoughts and feelings in an email and send it to your bmother? It might help to allay some of your worries and also pave the way for a meaningful dialogue and a deeper relationship.
All of the emotions you mention sound completely normal. the tricky thing with reunion is that it is.... tricky. It may be helpful to invest in a small notebook, or make notes on your phone. When you are away from the euphoric effects of a new reunion, jot down the questions you want to ask your birthfamily so you have them at hand if you need them. As for your wish that someone would take charge and tell you how it is supposed to go-- I think we all wish that on every side of the triad. There is, unfortunately, no guidebook for reunion. B/c every reunion is different. Sounds like you are in the beginnings of a pretty positive one. This is all very new for everyone involved, eventually emotions will stop running so high and you can get a better idea of how your extending family will function in a healthy, positive way. good luck!!
Everyone else has offered you some great advice. I'll add that you shouldn't expect your a-parents to be super interested in your b-family. They aren't related to them. It's an odd thought. We're related to all sides. But, our a-parents and b-parents are not related at all. I liken it to when I move to a new city. My old friends will listen for a bit about my life and friends, but they really aren't terribly interested because it doesn't really involve them. And, our a-parents tend to get a bit territorial when the other family becomes a reality in our lives. Most people only have one father and one mother, so they have a difficult time wrapping their minds around the concept that we have enough love to go around for everyone. Our a-parents are often afraid they'll be replaced. I do wonder why you only blame your a-mom for keeping the secret about your b-mom's name. I'm sure you a-father also knew.... I'm really sorry. I honestly believe that our a-parents should give us the name, if they have it, when we turn 18. That is, if the adoptee wants the name. Your life has definitely been altered now that you have met your b-family. But, it won't always be a chaotic feeling. Eventually, things will normalize.
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