Advice for my adopted son

Hopefully you will here from some of the adoptees soon, they have great perspective and great advice. My heart hurts for you and your son, but I definitely think you are on the right course. It will be so much easier for your son to deal with this sadness than to deal with learning later that he was lied to/misled his whole life. Also, it's OK to be sad! Maybe you and he should see a counselor (together and seperately) so that you can both verbalize your thoughts and feelings with out worrying about hurting each other.

Beth, Every single adoptee has to deal with being adopted at different points in the journey of life, one of them is at the age your son is. There is no avoiding it because it's a fact. Your son is at the age where cause and effect now applies. To be adopted, first you were given away, not wanted, not good enough, whatever version running through his mind - none of the pretty words that positive adoption language promotes. The problem is that pretty words don't match his feelings right now of fully understanding what being adopted means, both the good, and the bad. You have to process and deal with all the feelings surrounding being adopted - to come out the other side whole. Trying to minimize it, or make it pretty just creates denial, or the belief that you (their parent) isn't willing to really be there for him, when he needs you most of all. Empathy, understanding, being their, telling him you are sorry he is feeling blue, that the loss is real - those are the tools that validate the fact that he isn't weird for his feelings, other adoptees have felt sad too. Of all the things you want to give him as his mom, validation of being heard, being understood, knowing that you are willing to walk beside him through good times, and especially the bad, is probably the biggest gift you can give. Humans don't come programmed to get over stuff quickly, if we did, we wouldn't have the humanity necessary to build a strong moral compass. I admit that dealing with such a deep loss (and losing your family counts right up there) so early in life when we haven't developed the tools, or the language needed, can make it a rougher go than perhaps when we are middle age - but that is what adoption is, you can't get around that fact. I've seen so many folks talk about how their child loves being adopted, and doesn't have any "issues" (with quotes) and pat themselves on the back that it is there parenting that made all the difference. Perhaps their parenting played into it, perhaps their child is easy going and accepting, or, not a deep thinker, or, perhaps they just haven't allowed themselves to go there, or their child hasn't reached that age or level of maturity. Some adoptees never go there until they are middle age, some go there at 8, 14, 28 - there isn't any formula. All adoptees have to process it, how little, or much, it affects them, is individual. Whether they admit that they felt any emotions about not being kept is actually the question that should be asked, not whether they had "issues". So many times I have seen the non-adopted speak about so and so doesn't have any "issues", not really understanding that "issues" is not a term that applies to how an adoptee processes the unavoidable losses that are part and parcel of adoption. I say that because not one would ever state that this widow had no "issues" with her husband dying and grieving that loss, nor about the sibling that lost their little brother to cancer - they would respect that loss and expect a natural, normal grieving process to have occurred, whether they saw signs of it, or not. Adoptees are the anomaly for two reasons, especially for ones adopted shortly after birth. We won't process the loss for years, and everyone knows us as that happy little child who loves being the adopted and their family, and can't see that we lost anything so why are we grieving. We also got another family, so others see it as an equal trade, or in some cases, as a trade up so that grateful meme comes into play. As to not telling him he was adopted. Of all the late discovery adoptees who have come to this board - only one (a twin) wished they had never been told. The rest felt varying degrees of anguish from being lied to their entire life by the very people who should have been the ones to be completely honest - their parents. General consensus says we should know our full story (even the hard parts) before we hit the teen years so that hormones don't interfere with the actual processing of it, that we must do. I'd wait while he is through this current processing stage, if he gets stuck though, I'd find an adoption competent therapist that can help him continue on. I'd ask the therapist the best way to bring it up, when, how to break it down into segments. I don't know your story but you need to tell him the truth, but with grace and kindness because he is 50% of his first mother so you don't want him to think he is bad, it's a tricky line. He does need to know because he needs to clearly understand why he can NEVER try any drugs because he may be predisposed to becoming an addict. He needs that info before his teen years for sure. Kind regards, Dickons

I totally agree that adoptees should be told. I know of an adoptee who found out in his late 30's. He found out because his mother died and the family told him, "you don't get any money because you're adopted". That's got to be one of the worst ways to find out.Childwelfare site.Kind regards,Dickons[/QUOTE]

I was adopted as an infant and knew from the beginning, or at least from when I could comprehend, that I was adopted. My adoptive mom was open with me about the circumstances of my adoption(1960), as much as she knew, and told me that my birth mother was married, but not to my father, and had mental health issues. I just learned that she has schizophrenia and it was much easier to hear after knowing all these years that is was a possibility...

Not telling an adoptee s/he is adopted is not kinder, and it doesn't mean that your son would have grown up in a happy oblivion. It would mean, instead, that he would wonder WHY he felt so sad when there was no reason he knew of to feel sad. Or wonder why he is so different in some ways from his family. Or a thousand other things. Dickon is absolutely right about validating your son's feelings instead of trying to make him feel better. If you aren't sure how to do this -- or even if you are, finding an adoption literate counselor to work with him and with you and the rest of your family would be an incredible gift to him. He will have a "safe" place to talk about his sadness without you -- without hurting your feelings. And he will also learn that you can be a safe place for him to share his feelings, even the negative ones. A trained professional neutral third party can also help you tell him about his mother's addiction problems in an age-appropriate and adoption-appropriate way, as well as help him process his reaction to it. I wish most of all that my adoptive parents had known that adoption is not a one-time event for adoptees but a loss that we live with forever. I wish we had had some counseling as a family for my sake and my (also adopted) brother's. I wish I had felt comfortable telling them -- or anyone -- how I felt as a teenager, rather than thinking I was going slowly insane. I didn't realize that my complicated feelings about adoption were completely normal until I was in my early 30s because my mom couldn't be that safe space for me. She wanted me to "feel better" and "be happy." So I acted it rather than achieving it.

Being open with him about the adoption is a good thing, I was like 5-7 when it was told to me and it didnt effect me in any way because i already knew somehow. As for negative details about his mom, i would just keep on letting him know you got his back. I would test my a-mom and was really mean at times. I guess i was expecting to break her and see the truth of no one really loving me. Just love him :love:

Such a wonderful post, Dickson. Gods, is there really one singular right or wrong answer here? No. There's no way to ultimately decide which way is right or wrong. I will say I agree with the others. I've talked to a lot of "out late" adoptees and it pretty much never goes well. Adoption is never something that we "get over" but over a lifetime I think we find ways to process it and learn to live with it. Being told late in life basically drops the entire stack of emotional bricks on the adoptee at once with the expectation that they'll deal with it immediately and "get over it" and continue on with life the way it was. It's an unfair expectation and one that almost no one can ever fulfill anyway. I don't think you would've done him any favors concealing it from him. As for specifics...I think there are ways to have age appropriate conversations with children about the specifics of their adoption. You don't need to go into intense detail about what cocaine is, but I think you could at least use age appropriate language to give some specifics? Maybe using generic terms like "substance abuse" instead of naming specific drugs. It at least starts to give a real reason for his adoption instead of just "she loved you" which isn't really a reason in and of itself. Alternately, I completely understand why there isn't an open adoption but if you are in contact with her perhaps you could at least let him contribute in small ways to what you send her? He could pick out a couple pictures he likes to send her? Maybe draw something for her? I'm not saying you have to meet in person or allow phone calls or anything but it might make him feel better and less....alienated if he could at least have that small bit of power and contribution. You may also want to look into getting him some therapy. Sometimes it's good to have someone impartial to rant and vent at and discuss things without fear of hurting our parents feelings. I think it should almost be mandatory for all adoptees to have therapists, just for that reason alone. It's so hard when often the only one who knows of our adoption is family members and we don't want to hurt them.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not an adoptee. I'm the Mom of a wonderful daughter whom I adopted from China. She'll turn 20 this month and, over the years, I've seen her wrestle with difficult questions, like "Why did my birthparents abandon me?" Unfortunately, we may never have the opportunity to know anything about her birthparents, given the situation in her birth country, so she may never really have a sense of closure. But I've tried to assure her that, when it becomes easier to find out information without putting the birthparents at risk of social ostracism or legal action, I will help her get whatever can be obtained.Let me suggest to you that eight is not too young to hear that some people make bad decisions, even when they are adults, and that a few of those decisions can have consequences that are very unpleasant. It is very reasonable for your son to hear, now, that his birthmother, even though she cares about him, has made some bad decisions that caused her not to be able to be a safe parent, both when he was born, and even now.Let me also suggest that eight year olds may have heard more than you think about drugs, alcohol, and so on. Many eight year olds have heard the real names or nicknames of drugs, like heroin, "crack" cocaine, "meth", and so on, and know that they are addictive and dangerous. They may have heard about these drugs on TV, from their friends, or even from school programs designed to prevent kids from getting started with drugs, given that some kids start using drugs pretty early; my daughter, in a public school, saw kids smoking weed at 14, and in some schools, it starts much earlier. Also, in some neighborhoods, drugs and drug paraphernalia can be found, discarded in parks and areas where a child may walk or play. Schools often teach kids, sometimes as young as your son, never to touch these items. My daughter and a friend, of middle school age, once encountered a baggie full of a white substance, down by the local manmade lake and walking trail, where some people occasionally use drugs, and had the good sense to leave it alone and tell me about it. Maybe it was laundry soap or sugar, but I was glad that they had been shown pictures of drugs and such at school, starting quite young, and taught to avoid them.You can talk to your son about bad decisions that kids make, and their consequences. Maybe your son knows someone who was mean to another child, who now won't play with him even though they were once best friends. Maybe your son knows a kid who climbed a tree when his parents said not to do so, and fell, breaking his leg rather badly, so he had to wear a cast and not go to the swimming pool with all the other children, all summer. And so on. (And I'll bet that he talks about some bad decisions that HE made, and what their consequences were!)You can then talk to him about bad decisions that some adults make, and let him know that they have unpleasant consequences, too. Ask him, first, if he can think of some bad decisions that an adult might make, and what their consequences might be. Let him volunteer ideas, and I'll bet that he comes up with the fact that some adults use drugs and get sick or put in jail. You can also give him some other examples of adult decisions, whether serious or not so serious, that have negative consequences. You can mention that some adults drive too fast, and maybe crash, hurting themselves and other people, and wrecking their cars. You can mention that some adults don't pay their taxes, but wind up having to pay even more money when the government finds out. You can mention that some adults post things on the Internet inappropriately, for example, nasty comments about people of other races or religions, and their bosses fire them. And, of course, you can mention people on his favorite sports teams, who have been suspended and/or fined for activities such as fighting, cheating in some way (underinflated footballs?), betting on games, and -- yes -- using drugs.You can then tell him that, at some point in her life, his birthmother began using (for example) crack cocaine, probably because she lived in an area where she saw other young people using drugs . Explain that it was a very bad decision, because cocaine is a very dangerous drug. It is addictive, which means that a person wants more and more of it, and can't stop using it without a lot of help. Also mention that, when using crack, some people engage in in illegal behaviors, like stealing to get money for more drugs, or unsafe behaviors, like hanging out with people who are violent and might hurt them. Tell your son that his birthmother was using crack when she was pregnant with him. You can say, if true, that she tried to stop, because she knew that crack could harm the baby inside her, but couldn't manage to do so; don't lie about this, but if it's true, it can help to show that his birthmother DID care about him and try to change her ways. Tell him that, when he was born, the doctors realized that he had crack cocaine in his system, which happens when a woman uses drugs during pregnancy. He had to stay in the hospital for a while, until the doctors got the drugs out of his system. You may not want to mention that (if true), although the doctors can't be sure, some problems that he has today (as an example, ADHD) may be related to the fact that he was born with drugs in his system. That's probably a tale for another time.You can tell him (if true) that, at the hospital, social workers were called, because using cocaine is illegal, and children shouldn't be in situations where their parents are using illegal drugs, because they could get hurt or neglected, or come to think that drugs are OK. The social workers arranged for someone to take care of him when he got out of the hospital, as his birthmother was still using drugs. They told his birthmother that she could have her son if she went into a drug treatment program and got over her addiction, but she was still not able to become drug-free; these drugs are really awful because, when you try to stop taking them, you get major cravings and may feel very sick. As a result, a court told her that her son had to be adopted by a new family, who would take good care of him; she was sad, but realized that it was the right thing to do. This was, unfortunately, the consequence of her decision to use crack cocaine. It was very, very sad for her, because she loved him, but it was terrific for you and your spouse to have him as your wonderful son.Your son may ask why he can't see her now, since that all happened a long time ago -- eight years is a very long time in an eight year old's mind! At that point, you can let him know that his birthmother, unfortunately, is still addicted to drugs. You can also mention the fact that being on drugs has caused her to make some other bad decisions, if true, as well. Let him know that you want to keep him safe, and to do that, you cannot let his birthmother visit while she is still addicted and doing unsafe things. Let him know that, if there comes a time when she stops using drugs and gets her life in order, you will be happy to let them meet. Let him know that you currently send her pictures and letters, so she knows that her birthson is a great kid, and even help him to write her a nice letter that you can include with your own, unless it is totally inappropriate. If he doesn't want to write a letter, let him draw a picture about some of the things he enjoys doing, or just have him tell you some things he wants you to tell her about him. Do NOT let him see any envelopes that show her address or anything of that sort.Where possible, don't dwell on the bad parts of the life of your son's birthmother, after the initial talks, unless he asks to be reminded of why he can't visit, or wants you to repeat some other details. Do focus on some of her positive attributes, if you know any. As an example, you may know that, before she started using drugs, she sang in a church choir, and you can then indicate that your son probably got his great singing voice from her. Or you may have seen her photograph, and can tell your son that his eyes are big and brown, just like his birthmother's beautiful eyes. You don't want your son to see the negative side of his birthmother, without also seeing the good side, if possible. Remember that, even at his age, he could come to feel ashamed to have had a drug addict for a birthmother, unless he also knows some of her good qualities. You may also want to consider having a visit under the supervision of your adoption agency, at some point down the road (sooner rather than later, if your son has a lot of fantasies about his birthmother or seems terribly sad), even if she doesn't become totally drug-free and turn around her life in other ways. Don't have the visit at your home; have it take place at the adoption agency, with a social worker present, and let his birthmother know that the social worker will not let your son see her if she is high when she arrives The social worker can check her out first, when she arrives, to see if she seems to be high, while you and your son wait in another room. If she is reasonably OK, you and your son can then come in and spend a short time with her. If the first visit goes well, you can talk with the birthmother and plan for another one, maybe on your son's birthday, a few months in the future. On the other hand, if she doesn't behave well, or if your son is too upset and says he doesn't want to see her again for a long time, you may decide not to have further visits until things change.After several positive visits, you may decide to try an unsupervised visit in a public place, such as a restaurant where you and your son can leave easily, if she is high or behaves inappropriately -- for example, saying that she's going to take him away from you, or threatening to harm you. Just make sure that she does not get any information that will allow her, or one of her friends, to find out where you live. That may include parking your car at some distance from the meeting place, so that she or a friend can't get your license number and use it to get more information, or going into a busy department store and browsing, so she or a friend can't try to follow you home.Supervised visits can be helpful for a birthmother who cannot safely visit an adoptive family's home, to feel better about the fact that her birthchild is with another family, and getting care that she cannot provide; remember that birthmothers, even if they are addicts or have committed crimes, often grieve the loss of their birthchildren and feel love for them. Supervised visits are also a great way to keep your child from fantasizing about his birthmother, and thinking that she is some kind of superhero. He will see her, and realize that she is not a superhero -- just an ordinary woman, who loves him and feels bad for losing him, but who has a drug problem that she cannot kick. He may see physical signs of the damage that addiction has caused, ranging from excessive weight loss to shaky hands, to an itchy and raw face, etc., and that's not such a bad thing. If you can eventually more to unsupervised visits, great. If you can meet other members of the birth family, great. But take one step at a time. And start by preparing your son by giving him information about his birthmother, and her life situation.Knowing more about his birthmother, your son may also ask for more information about his birthfather. That can be more problematic, as he may not know enough about sexuality yet to recognize that, while everyone has two biological parents, they may not always be married, or even good friends. His birthmother, while high on drugs, may have conceived him with a total stranger, and she may not even have known his name. If you are lucky enough to know anything about the birthfather, such as what he looks like or what his current situation is, share it with your son in a sensitive way. Yes, it's OK to let your son know that he, too, made some bad decisions -- for example, if he is incarcerated or is also an addict -- but be sure to balance the information with anything good you know about him. If you don't have any information about the birthfather, and your son wonders why the birthmother doesn't tell you about him, you can gently explain that they aren't together anymore -- even eight year olds know about divorce and separation to some extent -- and that the drugs have made her forget things about him. Also let him know that you will try to find out more about his birthfather -- and do so, if at all possible. All adopted kids, but especially boys, should know something about their birthfathers, as well as their birthmothers, in the ideal world.Whatever you tell your son about his birthparents, make sure to remind him that some things should be talked about only with you and your spouse, or with some other trusted adults, like a doctor. Make sure he understands that adoption is not something to be ashamed of, and that he can let people know that he was adopted when he was a baby, but also let him know that he doesn't need to give out information about other people -- that's called gossip and can be hurtful -- or about things that make him uncomfortable. As an example, it would probably embarrass his birthmother if he went around telling his friends that she was addicted to drugs, and kids might also start teasing him about having an addict for a birthmother, so this is something he should keep private. And help him learn what to say and what not to say, by role-playing. As an example, pretend that you are a classmate of his, and ask why his "real mother gave him away"; encourage him to find words that will let the classmate know that you are his real parents, and that his birthmother placed him for adoption with you because she couldn't raise a child at that point, but wanted him to have a good life. Or pretend that you are a neighbor, who asks your son why his hair is dark brown, while his parents are both blonde, and help him figure out how to tell her that you adopted him, and that his birthmother had beautiful dark hair. You can even pretend to be some rude great uncle, who says, "Your birthmother must have been a terrible person, and you are going to grow up to be just like her." Teach him how to say, politely, "My birthmother may have some problems, but she is a good person, and I am going to be a good person, too." -- or just to walk away. (My college roommate, who was adopted, had her adoptive grandmother tell her, as a young teen,"Your birthmother was a wh*re, and you're going to grow up to be one, too." This remark caused her years of distress, in part because she did not feel that she was allowed to respond..)There's a workbook called WISE UP, which can be used to help children decide how they want to respond, when asked questions about their adoption -- when to help someone understand adoption, when to say, "That's private," when to just walk away because someone is being rude, and so on. You may want to get it, if role playing is hard for you. It lets kids know that even adults can ask ignorant or rude questions, and that they have every right to decline to answer very personal or rude ones, or to answer the questions only in general terms, even though they have been taught to be respectful to adults and answer their questions. In general, it can be used with a child of five or so and up through the teen years, but it seems to be most effective with kids the age of your son. It also can help a parent learn how to deal with questions from relatives, neighbors, people in the supermarket, teachers, and so on, especially when the adopted child is present. In short, I'm glad that your son knows that he was adopted -- it is NOT something to be concealed -- but almost all adopted children have questions about their birthparents, at one stage of life or another, and the best thing to do is to answer those questions truthfully, whenever they arise. Never lie to a child; just present the truth in a way that makes sense, given the child's age and maturity. And don't underestimate what kids know about the world, even if they don't have all the facts straight. Unless your child is very delayed, you can start NOW telling him why his birthmother had to relinquish him, and why he can't meet her at this time. At the age of eight, kids understand a lot about bad decisions, and the consequences of making bad decisions. Just try to balance the negatives with whatever positives you know. Be sensitive to the fact that some kids WILL conclude that, because their birthparents did bad things, they will turn out to be bad, too, even if someone doesn't say it directly to them. Be sure to focus the discussion on the fact that your son's birthmother made a bad decision to use drugs, and one with terrible consequences, but that it doesn't mean that she was a bad person, or that he will become a bad person. She probably listened to the wrong people, like friends who were urging her to try drugs, instead of listening to parents, doctors and others who were speaking and writing about all the bad things that drug use can cause. Assure your son that, when he is older and someone wants him to try drugs, he will know enough to make the GOOD decision to avoid them, because he knows, from experience, that the decision to use drugs can have some serious consequences. Also assure him that everyone, even good people like parents and teachers, will make bad decisions once in a while, even as adults; it's just that some decisions have more serious consequences than others. As an example, if you decide not to put money in the parking meter, because you are just running into a store for a minute, the consequence of that decision could be that you get a parking ticket and have to pay a fine of $20; sure, that's money you can't spend on something else, like that new lipstick you saw, but it's not going to deprive your child of food, or have any other long term consequences. And you can further assure him that, if he pays attention to what he learns at home, school, and (if appropriate) church or synagogue, he probably won't make really terrible decisions with terrible consequences.Best wishes to you as you parent your son; he sounds like a wonderful, sensitive youngster.Sharon