Need Advice - Birth Mother Story

Adesso, these are really good questions, deep questions, but still great. I am sure you have given some members something to chew on for a little. I am sure you will see some responses soon.

These are good questions, and I'm not sure I can answer fairly and clearly at this late hour, but I'll try...- If I knew my birth mother had been in my life when I was young... I'm honestly not sure how I'd feel. That would be... overwhelming. I guess partially because - - If everyone knew who my birth mother was, and I was the only one left clueless, I'd be LIVID. I would have been livid if I'd found out as a teenager... and I'd be just as livid if I found out now. Knowing I'd been lied to (either directly or through omission) would be shattering to me. And that hurt would have turned to fury. At everyone! Particularly at my adoptive parents, because they'd be the ones making the decision to lie, and to ask everyone around them to lie... but I'd be hurt by everyone who went along with the lie, as well. As far as I'm concerned, the smartest thing her adoptive parents could do is give her as much truth as she's ready for, in age-appropriate doses, until she has the whole truth. I sincerely hope that when she's 18, if not before, they lay all the cards out on the table, and don't continue to withhold information...- As for social media... on one hand, in general, I find the adult-following-kid-on-social-media thing a bit creepy, to be honest. And as a parent, I'd be bothered by an adult watching my little guy's Facebook activity, for example. But then, as an adoptee, I totally get why you'd follow her on social media sites. I think the upshot there is that her adoptive parents have the power in this situation, and they've asked you to back off. Could you graciously agree to do as they ask, then ask them for periodic updates/photos/etc, or is that a non-starter with them? How about your friend - are you two still close? Would she be willing to share a few photos of her adopted sister with you as time goes on? Or is that also a non-starter? I don't know the dynamics of the relationships here...

These are good questions, and I'm not sure I can answer fairly and clearly at this late hour, but I'll try... - If I knew my birth mother had been in my life when I was young... I'm honestly not sure how I'd feel. That would be... overwhelming. I guess partially because - - If everyone knew who my birth mother was, and I was the only one left clueless, I'd be LIVID. I would have been livid if I'd found out as a teenager... and I'd be just as livid if I found out now. Knowing I'd been lied to (either directly or through omission) would be shattering to me. And that hurt would have turned to fury. At everyone! Particularly at my adoptive parents, because they'd be the ones making the decision to lie, and to ask everyone around them to lie... but I'd be hurt by everyone who went along with the lie, as well. As far as I'm concerned, the smartest thing her adoptive parents could do is give her as much truth as she's ready for, in age-appropriate doses, until she has the whole truth. I sincerely hope that when she's 18, if not before, they lay all the cards out on the table, and don't continue to withhold information... - As for social media... on one hand, in general, I find the adult-following-kid-on-social-media thing a bit creepy, to be honest. And as a parent, I'd be bothered by an adult watching my little guy's Facebook activity, for example. But then, as an adoptee, I totally get why you'd follow her on social media sites. I think the upshot there is that her adoptive parents have the power in this situation, and they've asked you to back off. Could you graciously agree to do as they ask, then ask them for periodic updates/photos/etc, or is that a non-starter with them? How about your friend - are you two still close? Would she be willing to share a few photos of her adopted sister with you as time goes on? Or is that also a non-starter? I don't know the dynamics of the relationships here...

Emerald23, Thank you for your reply. I don't agree that secrets are the best idea, but at this point, considering they didn't start out with the truth, it's probably best to keep it from her until she's 18. or until she asks. Background information from when I was 19 and found out I was pregnant: my best friend had an abortion and I just assumed that was what I was supposed to do until she told me that her parents were on adoption waiting lists and I told her I would talk to them. I was so nave about the whole situation and thought I could easily do this for them. They knew I was considering abortion (though I found out as the early months progressed that no one would have given me money for an abortion and I would have had to keep her, regardless) and when I decided I would do this for them, they told everyone they were saving a life. They even told my daughter that they saved her life from being aborted. I don't know how I feel about that, considering the relationship I had with their family. But she knows that I was thinking about terminating her and that must be an awful feeling. It makes me sick. The situation is also difficult for me because the reason I gave them my daughter is because I was so close to their family. I am still really close with my friend, but this adoption has caused a rift in any sort of ongoing relationship with their parents. Though I have been able to maintain a relationship with the other siblings in the family who are older. We were all so close at one point. I don't have the adoption agreement any more, but I know there was something about sending pictures to both me and the birth father. So far, the last pictures I have received from them are from 10 plus years ago. My friend sends me pictures and tells me about things going on in her life, so I feel lucky in that regard. I know she is happy and has a lot of opportunities. That's all I want for her, anyway. As for social media. I will stop following her and start an open dialog with the adoptive parents about ongoing updates / pictures. I have a bit of a control issue as part of my personality and letting go of it is a good thing sometimes. Thank you for helping me see that. My cousin was given up for adoption and found his mother / my aunt when he was an adult. He comes to family gatherings and is truly accepted and loved. It makes me think positively about the future, but for now, my daughter's happiness is all that matters. Any other advice or comments are more than welcome.

Good luck in your discussion with the adoptive parents. I hope they are generous and gracious. (And I think it may come around to bite them in their behinds if they aren't - because the great likelihood is that, one day, your relinquished daughter will ask them questions, and then come looking for you.)I'm glad to see you putting her needs/happiness first. Sometimes the adoptee's best interests sort of gets lost in the details between the birth and adoptive parents. As for the fact that you considered terminating... that's a tough thing to face, yes. But honestly, it's something that most "modern" adoptees have to consider - abortion is legal, so termination must have been an option that was considered... and discarded. And that sort of is the key, isn't it? You thought about it, and decided to continue with the pregnancy anyway. You can't sugar-coat it, but if you handle that question (and similarly difficult ones that will likely come up) with both honesty and kindness, I don't think it's an insurmountable issue.I hope that your daughter grows up strong and smart, and keeps an open mind and heart. And I hope that your eventual reunion is wonderful for you both...

Ugh, another double-post. Sorry...

I think that finding out that my (a)parents knew my first family and did not tell me about them would have created an unfixable rift with my parents. I asked *very* few questions as it was, since they said they were open to talking about my adoption and acted as though they weren't. They gave me the write up from their caseworker and that was the end of discussions. So despite the fact that these people probably think they are doing "the right thing," I feel sorry for your daughter. And eventually, for them. Her (likely) anger will be justified. I asked my first mother about what she'd considered, in regards to options, when she was pregnant with me. I always assumed that she had at least considered abortion, and also considered that being raised Catholic was part of her decision-making process. I don't hold that against her at all. Never thinking about it would have been illogical, no matter her eventual decision. No adoptee believes that they were the result of a planned pregnancy. I think you're right to unfollow her on social media (though if her profiles are open, you can still look -- who could fault you for that?) at her parents' request, but also right to ask them for regular updates as they had agreed to. You have no say in their parenting, but as an adoptee, if I have any advice at all to you as a first mother (or your choice of term), I'd say that now is a great time to consider making sure that you have dealt with as much of the baggage adoption drops on your side of the triad as possible. Just be ready to meet your daughter on her terms when she's ready to meet you. Even if you reach out first. The greatest gift my first mother gave me when we finally reconnected was to let me drive the pace and content and original course of our reunion. She said it was because I was the only party who had no say in the original adoption process, but whatever her reasoning, it has helped me feel some control when I really really needed it.

SandYan, Thank you for your advice. I don't have a clue as to what she has inquired about with her adoptive parents. They have told her she was adopted, I know that much. Your logic in regard to your birth mother's options during pregnancy is realistic; as a teenager, do you think you could have concluded the same? as a teenage girl, I'm assuming she will have some first hand experience with peer pregnancy scares. In regard to preparation: I have done a lot of soul searching and therapy and believe I have an open heart for both the adoptive parents and my birth daughter. However she is raised and whatever information they give her, I will have to accept. I really appreciate your reunion story, as well. I believe you are 150% correct in having the control in the situation, considering you did not ask to be given up for adoption. Did you ever meet your birth father? The birth father has definitely avoided any emotional acknowledgement of her daughter, as far as I am aware. It has been about a year since we spoke, however. I worry about his possible, eventual impression on our daughter.

adesso, No, I came to the conclusion that my mother must have at least considered abortion when I was a teenager. I haven't changed my opinion much in the 20 years since or since meeting her. I'm not saying that the circumstances surrounding my conception, birth, and adoption don't make me sad, but I'm not particularly angry or upset about it. Wishing it was different doesn't actually change anything -- it just makes me upset. I'd rather deal with how it feels today. And no, I've not met my birth father. I made contact, but never talked directly to him. His wife controls all contact with that family, and while I sort of understand it, and I am glad to have the family history and medical history she gave me, I don't really have much interest in an ongoing conversation with her. I wish I could have had one direct conversation with him, but unless he reaches out to make that happen, I will just learn to accept what I have. For me, a lot of reunion has been accepting myself and my life as it is. I did not go into my search with a lot of preconceived notions of who my first families were, which has helped, but it's still shifted my sense of self more than I thought it would. I hope that, whatever else, your daughter is raised with a strong sense of herself. No matter what her parents tell her, your story will be different, and I hope she will be ready to hear it.