Getting Worse by the Year~

Hello again, Adoption Forums. It's been quite some time since the last thing I posted here, so I guess I'll drop some backstory, ( I went through my own post history, and found it wasn't all that detailed.. ) Apologies in advanced for how long this might turn out. In 2009 I gave up a daughter to adoption, my first and only child to this day. I was in a stable relationship, but my living situation was a disaster, I lived in a small town and had a lot of trouble finding steady work ( mostly I worked for friends/friends of family ), and my boyfriend of the time worked a minimum-wage job part time. We were $3k behind in rent, ( No I know, right? ) with a car that needed constant repairs ( Thanks, Ford, ) and absolutely no room in our tiny house ( I think they're called shot-gun houses? A tiny bed-room sized living room, an even smaller bedroom, a kitchen and bathroom. ) In other words, we couldn't even afford ourselves and our tiny dog, much less an infant. It should be noted that I had a powerful strong support system -- my family, specifically my mother and grandmother. At the time, I lived in the same town as my grandparents, since my parents were over-seas ( military, ) but my mother came rushing the moment she heard, so she could be with me. Before she even arrived, I had decided on Adoption. They were upset, of course, so much so that my mother immediately wanted to adopt the baby, herself ( but my stepfather wouldn't hear of it-- he dislikes children altogether. ) Even my grandmother considered it, but she knew it wasn't a possibility, not really. The Adoptive Family was great from the start, giving me all the space I wanted, even offering to stay at their hotel during the birth if I didn't want them present ( but I DID invite them, at least up until my pain was severe, where they politely excused themselves, giving me hugs and wishing me an easy delivery -- which I would not, in the end, get. ) They remained phenomenal, even up to the actually paper-signing always made sure I was aware that it was solely my decision, and that I could change my mind without garnering their ire ( of course, I knew that inside they were probably praying up a storm that I WOULDN'T change my mind, but I have always appreciated the way they treated my side of the events. ) We settled very easily on an Open Adoption. At first, the aftermath was fairly easy for me to deal with. Despite the wonderful advice I got here and elsewhere, I did NOT attend counseling, as I should have. I thought I had gotten out of the situation relatively unscathed--I felt GOOD about it, in fact. They sent pictures, beautiful Easter cards with family portraits, Christmas cards--they are on my facebook, they post videos to me and my family of her, picture albums. I mean, it really seemed like I'd gotten the best outcome imaginable considering the situation, ( I even posted a very VERY optimistic post, here, about how good my situation was -- in retrospect, I think it really flew in the face of those here who were much wiser about it than I was. ) It's about to be Five Years, now, and the general attitude I have has changed dramatically. I mentioned in that silly post I made that the Adoption had destroyed my relationship, and it did, in dramatic fashion. But more than that, it destroyed things under the surface that I hadn't had the ability to see at the time. I was shaken to my core, and as that started seeping up to the surface, I flew--no seriously, I left all I knew, flew 2000 miles away to a place I'd never been, to live with people I'd never met. I am engaged now to someone who supports me in everything I do, whom I love more than life itself, but who also tolerates my Problems. Within the last few years, my Family has met my birthdaughter, my Ex ( her Birthfather ) visits her a couple times a year, but I can't. Not just because I am so far away--I think even if I were there, I wouldn't be able to, physically and emotionally. And I don't fully understand that reaction. I have developed anxiety and fear so severe that I can't look people in the eye, and I have panic attacks at the mere thought of going shopping, going to a job interview, or meeting my fiancee's friends ( we've been together for over 3 years now, and I have only met two or three of his many close friends. ) I guess this long, very useless monologue is my desperate outcry asking if this is normal, or if I am just taking it exceptionally badly. Also, will it hit some low point and then let me rebound? Or will it just continue to coalesce into some amalgam of dysfunction and debilitation? I guess I'm just ranting. P.S.; The Adoptive Family maintains a very open relationship with my family -- recently, they visited my grandparents, and everyone posted videos and pictures to facebook ( a trigger, I think, if there ever was one, ) and I'm told that she is aware, to some degree, of who they are ( her OTHER Grandparents, who doesn't want an entire extra set of Grandparents AND an Awesome Great-Uncle?! ) and of who my Ex is, though I'm sure to an almost-5-year old, it's impossible to grasp the entire enormity of it. I guess you could say the only problem lies with me -- or rather, within me. I have never stopped feeling good about my decision -- I just don't feel good, overall, anymore.