First Meeting!!

July 30, 2014

My reunion is almost two months in and it has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been in contact with my b-mother and b-father along with my three brothers. They have all been very welcoming and excited about talking to me except for my youngest half-brother, who is 12. He is a little wary of the situation but my b-mother told me that he was young and it was just something he had to get used to.

We recently decided that we wanted to meet each other. My oldest full brother has taken the reins on this and is helping me plan the meeting. We talk several times a week and seem to have a lot in common. I am driving down to meet them where they live, since I am very familiar with the area. I used to spend summers and holidays there with my a-family growing up. I am extremely excited and nervous about meeting them and unsure what we should do/not do and what to expect.

What I want to ask is this. Is there a wrong way to go about this? Is there meeting etiquette that I should be aware of, like what to do/not do? Is there stuff that I should say/not say? Is there anything I should bring/not bring? Are there things I shouldn't bring up/should bring up? Is there a way that you should meet/shouldn't meet? Is it wrong I want to take my significant other with me? Is it wrong to allow my oldest brother to take control of things?

He is already very protective of me as his older sister and wants to be around when I meet the rest of the family. His plan for the day is simple: Meet up first together before going to meet up with my b-mother and the rest of the family before eventually going to meet my b-father later in the day. My b-mother seems fine with this plan as far as I know and my b-father just wants to meet me.

I have so many other questions other than these but can't think of them right now. Any advice or comments about this would be greatly appreciated. I am meeting them for the first time on August 9th.

emerald23

August 1, 2014

Wow - you're meeting them in just about a week. That's exciting! (And possibly terrifying, intense, insane, amazing, overwhelming... there are so many things to feel.)

The general answer to all your questions is that there *IS* no right/wrong way to approach reunion/meetings. Well, okay, there are some wrong ways... but the "right" way depends on the personalities of the people involved - and that's something nobody on the internet can accurately predict for you.

(And as for the wrong ways... if you're approaching things with an open heart and an open mind, and your biological relatives are as well, then you're all pretty far from "wrong.")

There's no official meeting etiquette that I've ever heard. I think it really boils down to doing what works best for YOU, with an eye on what's respectful and kind toward the other people involved. So if you feel best bringing your significant other, then s/he should go. (It's kind to give a head's up to your birth family that you'll have company, of course...) If you're comfortable with your oldest brother's plans, then there's nothing wrong with following his suggestions. If you'd prefer to do things a different way, then it's okay for you to say you have something different in mind, and take control of the day, yourself.

As for what to bring, or not... I'd suggest bringing a few pictures of yourself at different ages growing up. There's no way to replace those "lost" years with your birth family, but showing them some pictures of you from your childhood can start to fill in some of the holes, for them. If you'd like to see some photos of them over the years as well, it's fair to ask them to bring some for you to see/have. In my own reunion, I brought a small gift (inexpensive, but unique, handmade jewelry from etsy) for my 3 sisters, my aunt, and my grandmother. Nothing big or extravagant or flashy, but something simple and meaningful to me - and hopefully to them. My thought behind the jewelry was to sort of create a visible bond between us all with similar jewelry pieces. I also brought toys and books (both hand-me-downs and something new) for my little niece, because spoiling her is part of my prerogative as an aunt, and I was 9 months behind on spoiling her! It was what I felt comfortable doing. There's certainly no etiquette that demands that you give gifts... or that you don't. In your case, with a reluctant younger brother, I'd suggest that you give any gifts careful consideration. 12 year old kids can be... moody, prickly, jaded. (I was a middle school teacher before having my son, and I've seen some of the best and worst of that age group.) You want to make sure that a gift to a prickly 12 doesn't come off as a bribe, or give him the sense that you're trying to "buy" him.

If there are questions you've been wanting to ask, it can be helpful to jot them down to bring with you - whether on paper or on your phone. You don't necessarily have to sit there and read questions off a list all afternoon, but it can be helpful if there are things you want to remember to ask about. (For some people, this includes things like medical information, but what you might want to ask all depends on your relationship with them and how it's developing.)

Generally, I'd say it would be helpful to leave a little wiggle room in your schedule for the day, in case you find yourself a bit overwhelmed by all the emotions and need a little space. If you're staying in the area overnight, I also recommend finding a hotel instead of staying with your birth family. Again, the emotional experience can be pretty intense, and having a place to go and be on your own (with your SO) at night can give you a chance to decompress and process what you've experienced so far.

Personally, I only met my maternal family (and not my birth mother, as she passed before I searched), and I traveled from NJ to the Chicago area to meet them all, so the way I approached the first meeting was to arrange for a private room at a restaurant for lunch one afternoon. This way, we were on "neutral" territory - nobody had to go out of their way to cook/clean/prep for my visit, and I didn't have to worry about stepping on any toes. Again, in my particular case, there would have been hurt feelings if I'd met one sibling before the rest (all are adults), or if I'd met a sibling before my aunt or grandmother. So our first meeting was a gathering of my sisters, their father (who was not my father, but married my birth mother a few years after she gave me up), their husbands + baby, my aunt, and my grandmother. I spent a week out their way, and made sure to spend more time with each one separately after that first group meeting, but getting the first meeting with everyone all at once made things run smoothly for me. (Again, the individuals involved in your reunion may feel differently. You do what works best for you.)

And, as for what to expect... it's easy to say "expect nothing," but it's hard to actually LIVE that way. So I'd say this: go in with an open mind and a generous heart. Expect lots of emotion - some good ones, quite possibly some tough ones. Expect it to sometimes be difficult, painful, confusing... Expect ups and downs. Expect it to take work - like any other relationship. Expect to take good care of yourself and your own needs sometimes. Expect to need support from people who care about you - friends and your SO can be really important sources of moral support along the way. Expect all that support to sometimes not be enough - expect to sometimes need to talk with others who've been there. (That's what people are here on this site for!) :)

I hope you have a wonderful first meeting - and it sets the tone for much more time spent together in years to come!