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After a huge breakthrough this week and follow through that all matches up, this has to be him. If it's not then it's pretty mind blowing.
He's my older half brother, stayed with his mom and was adopted by his stepfather at 4 years old. My father had no contact with him since (and likely for some time before). It's now 43 years later and I'm desperate to contact him. But I'm unsure of what to do. There is definitely a chance that he doesn't know our dad existed and thinks that his stepfather is his dad.
Any advice? Write a letter? And how much do I say in the letter? Unfortunately dad passed away 5 years ago...
I'm just freaking out about the possibility of turning his world upside down if he doesn't know. But I can't spend the rest of my life wondering about him. I've been doing that for so many years already and it's particularly difficult since losing my dad. And, if he does know about him it's all negative and there's so much more I want him to know.
Need your help!
Thank you!
So, assuming I have this right from your previous posts.
You're siblings through your dad.
He was born in late 1966.
Your dad and his mom divorced around 1970.
She remarried and her husband, his step dad, adopted him.
I going to guess that the marriage didn't happen immediately after the divorce, divorce wasn't quick or easy to get back then. The adoption probably didn't happen for a while after the marriage - no idea what the NY rules were for that but usually they want to know the marriage is stable first.
He might know he is adopted if the timeline above is right. I guess they could have done it behind his back because he wouldn't have been old enough for his consent to be needed (around age 12). But still there is a good chance he knows even if they never mentioned it.
So perhaps you could approach it that you are searching for your half-brother and through genealogical research he might be the brother you are searching for if he was adopted and his mother was the ____ _____ that was married to ____ _____. That way it isn't "surprise I know we are siblings and you were adopted" - rather it is questioning if he could be who you are searching for because _____ _____ married to ____ ___ gave birth to your brother...not stating a fact.
Did that make sense? Would that work?
I would include that you will be willing to confirm and pay for a half-sibling test to confirm. They are more expensive because they have to test more markers because which gene copies you get is random selection (we each have 2 copies and only pass 1 on and it's random) from your dad, so it only works out to be about 25% of your dna will match. (not describing that well at all) The alternative is if your dad had a brother that would be agreeable to be the one to test, because males pass down Ydna (probably have name wrong) and that can prove a familial match. So either would work to confirm.
Are you mailing, emailing, calling? Is he married? Do you have concerns for his privacy?
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Yes, pretty much. Divorce was final Sept of 70, and info shows that she remarried that December. I have no way of knowing when adoption went through. I have hope that considering his age he has some inkling of it. But I don't think that my dad was around much at all and the step dad could have been there very early on so who knows...
And yes, I've started a letter very similar to what you are suggesting. Fairly matter of fact. This is who I'm looking for x y z. My search has led me to you and if so I believe you could be my brother. I did my best to keep it simple and not overly emotional. Added some basic info about me and ended with contact info.
And I know his mother is still around (saw her facebook) and they are fb friends so guessing he will confirm with her. Would be happy to do testing if necessary. I have a baby photo of him as well and am attaching it to the email so don't think it will come to that.
I plan to send it certified mail. Not sure the email I have is accurate. Think phone is too harsh.
Thanks for your input. It helps to confirm I'm on the right track.
Yes, pretty much. Divorce was final Sept of 70, and info shows that she remarried that December. I have no way of knowing when adoption went through. I have hope that considering his age he has some inkling of it. But I don't think that my dad was around much at all and the step dad could have been there very early on so who knows...
And yes, I've started a letter very similar to what you are suggesting. Fairly matter of fact. This is who I'm looking for x y z. My search has led me to you and if so I believe you could be my brother. I did my best to keep it simple and not overly emotional. Added some basic info about me and ended with contact info.
And I know his mother is still around (saw her facebook) and they are fb friends so guessing he will confirm with her. Would be happy to do testing if necessary. I have a baby photo of him as well and am attaching it to the email so don't think it will come to that.
I plan to send it certified mail. Not sure the email I have is accurate. Think phone is too harsh.
Thanks for your input. It helps to confirm I'm on the right track.