Can sibling victims and perpetrators live together?

Help! My question is, has anyone been successful in parenting siblings in which one was a victim of sexual abuse and the other was a sexual perpetrator, where the child who had been victimized felt safe and was able to thrive together in the home? (even if the victim's perpetrator was not the sibling in question) Here is a little more info on our situation specifically, sorry it is kind of long. I adopted a sibling group of three children who were placed with me at the ages of 6, 9, 10, now they are 10(g), 13(g), 15(b). The children were removed from their home at 4, 7, 9 due to sexual abuse by their teenage brother (not placed with me) and later we discovered that both bio parents had also molested them. My youngest was sexually reactive and RAD, my oldest is mentally retarded, non-verbal, and began having sexually reactive behavior at the start of puberty. The youngest has made amazing strides, is no longer acting out sexually, has worked through all of that in therapy, and is healed from RAD. The oldest was placed in a residential center a little over a year ago due to his behaviors which were becoming more persistent and which we were unable to curb. Over the last year, my oldest is doing well in the RTC, has had no sexual behaviors in the last 10 months, and the state is planning to cut funding in a couple of months and expects him to reunify. Honestly, other than the sexual behaviors (non-aggressive, but sneaky and purposeful), he is a super great kid - kind, helpful, sweet, responsible, the whole package. Problem is, with his mental limitations, it is hard to know if he is actually capable of truly separating himself from those behaviors. Other problem is that my youngest has been having increasing behaviors. It is hard to tell if it is related because she is still kind of a roller coaster, but may be related since we have started her brother on visits home. She states that she wants him home, was upset when he had to leave, etc. She was the first and most vocal about her victimization by her oldest brother and her birth father and her testimony led to them being removed from their birth home. I don't believe she was ever victimized by her brother-my oldest son. I caught his behavior early, and from that point on, caught any attempts before they materialized. My oldest daughter has disclosed consensual (and some directed by birth parents) contact between her and my son prior to them living with me, however my youngest has denied that she experienced anything of the sort. In sand tray therapy last year, her depictions of her brother were menacing, dark, and scary. She has never vocally expressed any fear of him. Recently, she framed him for a behavior that would have had serious consequences for him, she says it was just her trying to stay out of trouble and she has no fear of him. Obviously, we have some things to work through on our end before he can come home! Aside from anything else, it just hits me that my girls were molested by a teenage brother once, and now they are facing living with another teenage brother who has been (and carries potential to be again) a sexual perpetrator. I believe that I can provide supervision and supports that will ensure physical safety in the home if we were to attempt to bring him home; it is the emotional safety piece that I am most concerned about. So, again, my question is, has anyone been successful in parenting siblings in which one was a victim of sexual abuse and the other was a sexual perpetrator, where the child who had been victimized felt safe and was able to thrive in the home? (even if the victim's perpetrator was not the sibling in question)

Have they done therapy together, family therapy where this is openly discussed? Private therapy where they can talk about this? Were there any incidents after the boy left home? Did he create any other victims at any time?Being his parents encouraged the behavior it is possible that at the time, he may have had no idea he was doing anything wrong and simply repeated what he'd always known. I think a lot would depend on how the victims felt and reacted to him and I certainly wouldn't do it without some family therapy sessions where this very thing is the topic.

I have no idea why I've not seen this topic before, but I'm jumping in on the topic now. I have no idea what the original poster decided to do---or was perhaps forced to try due to someone else's choice for her family. However, I will weigh in to say I cannot understand how any victim (or anyone?) could feel totally safe around a sexual predator? There is feasibly no way anyone can give total supervision to someone who truly wants to sexually offend anyone. Line of sight supervision is often suggested----but those who have tried to provide that can tell you there is no way anyone can watch someone 24/7. No way. To those depts. or 'professionals' who might suggest this type of set up could work---I daresay they've never considered trying this within their *own* family. Yes, it can (and has been) done *to* some families.....but I highly suspect the victim can never, ever feel totally safe again. Further, I'd have to question how secure and protected a victim might feel in a family where the adults---who've promised to protect them----are now compromising--at the victim's expense. Sincerely, Linny

We're in this situation, too. We allowed one of our children to be removed from the home following the discovery that he was molesting his two younger siblings. He lived out of home for 18 months, getting therapy and the help he needed. But social services policy is that, since he is our adopted son, he *must* be returned to our home. This puts us in the difficult position of having to provide this 24-hour supervision. The way we have accomplished this is to have the other children upstairs, while putting our son downstairs and locking the stairwell door. (He still has access to the bathroom, the mudroom where there are refreshments, and can get to the outside. He simply can't go upstairs.) We make sure he has family time each day, but one or more of us (adults) is present to supervise. So far, so good. The siblings are all getting along and play and talk as if nothing ever happened. But there is still a lot of fear on the part of our younger daughter since he has returned (nightmares, etc.) and acting out on the part of our younger son (defiance, sneakiness, lying, etc.) It's a difficult situation that I wish we were not in. I myself have strong feelings about having a perpetrator (regardless of age) live in the same home with his victims. But I have to put those feelings aside to be a parent and to raise this young man, who was himself a victim. There does not seem to be any easy answers, but we are coping and living day by day and so far things seem to be working out.

I am the OP and thought I would update. Similar to the previous poster, I was required to bring my oldest son back home. Even though we had done successful weekend and longer home visits for several months, within a week, he was doing his early grooming behaviors again on his siblings. My youngest picked up on this immediately, was re-triggered, and felt very unsafe. Due to dueling agencies (each felt the other should be responsible for providing it), I was not able to get any support at all for four months. I was told if I tried to place him in foster care, they would take the other children instead, or as well. The best recommendation that my state worker could give me was to place my other children somewhere else. Because of his severe developmental disabilities, we were finally able to get him placed in a group home through the department of mental health. By that time I was a wreck from the stress of it all - constant supervision, trying to advocate for ALL of my children's (very conflicting) needs, fighting systems for support and being shamed and rejected by those same systems, and watching my family fall apart before my eyes. My daughter has been set back to square one, has lost all the trust we had built because I was put in the position of endangering her just as her previous family had. Now she has been targeting her other siblings and we are being forced to consider out of home placement for her... And the cycle continues. This has not been a good time for our family.There has got to be a better answer here. =(

I think there needs to be new laws put into effect to protect adoptive parents and adoptive siblings from this sort of situation. I think social services needs to take responsibility for placing a child perpetrator and get him the LONG term help he/she needs. I think social services should have to pay for a permanent placement outside of the adoptive parents' home or, at the very least, give adoptive parents the option of accepting the perpetrating child back into their home or choosing to allow him/her to remain in an outside placement.Our son is starting to have some serious problems - bully teachers and students at his school, touching female students breasts and buttocks, disruptive classroom behavior, refusing to do his work, etc. At home, he is struggling with the basics - wiping himself when he uses the restroom, sleeping in bed (rather than sleeping on the floor) with the lights off, refusal to clean up after himself, talking about inappropriate things with his siblings, etc. The child needs help. He is not functional in a normal environment.We are obviously still supervising him, but we're not trained therapists and we don't have the educational background to know how to help him to cope with living a normal life. I still think we're doing well considering the situation, but a little more support would be nice.

I am so sorry to read about the problems you're having to face. Sexual abuse is one way the foster/adopt system fails miserably. It seems they like to talk about how they can help children get away from sexual abuse, until such abuse is occurring between children THEY'VE placed into a home. Makes no sense at all and is detrimental to all involved. IMO, a child or adult should never have to so much as think about being safe within their home or near their perpetrator. Our own family dealt with such experiences and we refused to take the kid back into our home. We fought the DFS for nine months and when it was all over, we were finally allowed to reverse the adoption. It broke our family finances, brought about good and bad comments from people in our community, but kept our other children safe. The kid was convicted and eventually went to jail. I personally do not believe sex offenders-----those who continue to offend or harm with no conscious, can be re-habilitated. Obviously, DCF in most states don't want any part of reality that many children cannot be treated and cured. An adoptive (even biological) home stands in a catch 20/20 situation in that they can be charged with 'neglect and abandonment' should they want the child out of their home----OR, AND, they can be charged with 'failure to protect' the other children in their home who are endangered by the actions of the perpetrator. Bottom line: The adoptive family can't win in many cases, AND, it would seem, the sexual deviant/sexual offender, is allowed to call the shots. Sad, sad situation for all. In our case, we actually paid the child's subsidy to another family who was willing to temporarily keep the child until he was convicted of his crimes. It almost tore our family apart due to the stress of it all, but we did survive. My suggestion would be to consider contacting a private attorney to see if he/she can help. By showing your good intentions of trying to live with this perpetrator and it's not helping the rest of the children, it might show in a court of law that the offending kid should live in a separate home, residential treatment facility, etc. More and more of these scenarios are becoming more common and should NOT be allowed to continue at the expense of other children. With an excellent attorney, you may be able to find some help.Sincerely,Linny