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A close friend of mine had two twin boys that were taken from her at age 6. They were adopted by a man who used to be her supervisor at her job during the time they were taken. She did not ask him to adopt her children but he did this on his own accord and possibly as a move to gain control over her since he was interested in her intimately. He is about 20 years older than she is and is now retired. The kids are now 16 and they still live with the adoptive parent although he has allowed her to move into the house as well. She has since gotten her life back together and is involved in the daily lives of her children. The adoptive parent supports her and the children financially but expects occasional intimate acts from the mother and has done a lot of messed up things to turn the kids against their mother. Among other things he made her move into the tool shed in the backyard. She installed an A/C unit and built it into a little modest room but he had the children move her things out of her old room one day when she was not home and they went through all of her belongings. They found a usb drive and snooped through it and found a homemade sex video that was 7 years old of her and another guy and another woman. They showed it to the adoptive parent who allowed them to keep copies of the video on their own computers and copied it onto his computer as well. He then proceeded to humiliate her in front of the children and when she demanded that they erase the videos he told them that they didn't have to. A month or so later she comes to find out that they still have the videos on their computers and one of her sons says that he won't erase it because he wants to be reminded of how messed up she is and says that he will never be able to look at her the same. This adoptive parent has done a lot to alienate the birth mother and she relies on him financially for herself and her children and is afraid that if she goes to the authorities that she may not be able to gain custody of her children. She is willing to take on the financial burden on her own but at the present time she does not have enough money to rent her own place and the adoptive parent has her kids so brainwashed that they hate her and might not want to move in with her initially either. The adoptive parent undermines anything she tells her children and loves to humiliate her in front of the kids. I plan to sit the adoptive parent down later tonight and have a serious talk with him and would appreciate any reinforcing comments that I should bring up when I explain to him that what he is doing is wrong and what the consequences might be. For one he is allowing underage kids to have pornographic material on their computers but the fact that it is of their mother is just sick. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
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No ideas but good luck.
CAparent1
A close friend of mine had two twin boys that were taken from her at age 6. They were adopted by a man who used to be her supervisor at her job during the time they were taken. She did not ask him to adopt her children but he did this on his own accord and possibly as a move to gain control over her since he was interested in her intimately. He is about 20 years older than she is and is now retired. The kids are now 16 and they still live with the adoptive parent although he has allowed her to move into the house as well. She has since gotten her life back together and is involved in the daily lives of her children. The adoptive parent supports her and the children financially but expects occasional intimate acts from the mother and has done a lot of messed up things to turn the kids against their mother. Among other things he made her move into the tool shed in the backyard. She installed an A/C unit and built it into a little modest room but he had the children move her things out of her old room one day when she was not home and they went through all of her belongings. They found a usb drive and snooped through it and found a homemade sex video that was 7 years old of her and another guy and another woman. They showed it to the adoptive parent who allowed them to keep copies of the video on their own computers and copied it onto his computer as well. He then proceeded to humiliate her in front of the children and when she demanded that they erase the videos he told them that they didn't have to. A month or so later she comes to find out that they still have the videos on their computers and one of her sons says that he won't erase it because he wants to be reminded of how messed up she is and says that he will never be able to look at her the same. This adoptive parent has done a lot to alienate the birth mother and she relies on him financially for herself and her children and is afraid that if she goes to the authorities that she may not be able to gain custody of her children. She is willing to take on the financial burden on her own but at the present time she does not have enough money to rent her own place and the adoptive parent has her kids so brainwashed that they hate her and might not want to move in with her initially either. The adoptive parent undermines anything she tells her children and loves to humiliate her in front of the kids. I plan to sit the adoptive parent down later tonight and have a serious talk with him and would appreciate any reinforcing comments that I should bring up when I explain to him that what he is doing is wrong and what the consequences might be. For one he is allowing underage kids to have pornographic material on their computers but the fact that it is of their mother is just sick. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
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There is not a sex tape of the kids. The sex tape is of their mother and the foster parent has allowed the children to keep copies of it on their computers and has kept a copy himself on his own computer. When the birth mother has demanded that they erase the video the foster parent told the children that they don't have to erase it. I was listening in on this argument over the telephone and I heard this with my own ears.
Are you saying no provable abuse? If that the case I don't see anything that could be done. Also they could take the kids away, if they find out she's living with the adopted parent, if that violate the CPS agreement. But the teens could possibly go to foster care, or the father can kick the mother out. She lost custody of her kids and went to TPR. I don't see her getting custody. Also she doesn't even have a job. So I'm not getting how she plans to raise them by her self. Also these teens may not want to be raised by her. I'm not seeing her getting her kids back.
She cannot get custody, because legally they are not her children; they are his children (again, I am speaking legally, not emotionally). It may be that he has "brainwashed" the kids, but they have a right to be angry with her as well. They were removed by CPS because of her actions, it sounds like they were old enough to remember, and she was not able to work her plan to regain custody. I have worked with many kids who have been removed from parents, and many of them are angry with their parents without anyone having to convince them to be.I know you are focused on what the adoptive father is doing wrong, and that makes you a good friend. He doesn't sound like a great guy, and you are right that there are things he is doing that are wrong (though not necessarily illegal). However, your friend does not sound like she is making great choices, either. She is choosing to live with this man and accept his support on his terms. She kept the video (yes, others should not have gotten into it, but for some reason she did choose to keep that usb drive in the house her children are living in). These choices will not show her kids that she has changed, respects herself, or is making good and safe choices. She needs to take responsibility for her own life; the choices she has may not be good ones, but staying with a man who is verbally abusive and demands sex for a place to live is not going to help her life or her relationship with her children. If she really works on changing these things, she may have a better chance for a relationship with them after they turn 18.
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She cannot get custody, because legally they are not her children; they are his children (again, I am speaking legally, not emotionally). It may be that he has "brainwashed" the kids, but they have a right to be angry with her as well. They were removed by CPS because of her actions, it sounds like they were old enough to remember, and she was not able to work her plan to regain custody. I have worked with many kids who have been removed from parents, and many of them are angry with their parents without anyone having to convince them to be. I know you are focused on what the adoptive father is doing wrong, and that makes you a good friend. He doesn't sound like a great guy, and you are right that there are things he is doing that are wrong (though not necessarily illegal). However, your friend does not sound like she is making great choices, either. She is choosing to live with this man and accept his support on his terms. She kept the video (yes, others should not have gotten into it, but for some reason she did choose to keep that usb drive in the house her children are living in). These choices will not show her kids that she has changed, respects herself, or is making good and safe choices. She needs to take responsibility for her own life; the choices she has may not be good ones, but staying with a man who is verbally abusive and demands sex for a place to live is not going to help her life or her relationship with her children. If she really works on changing these things, she may have a better chance for a relationship with them after they turn 18.