Have you ever disrupted from a child you loved due to the length of time it took?

Deep breaths... Why has it taken so long? Are there possible bio family members who haven't stepped up yet? Have bio parents TPr'd?

I have thought about it...A LOT...but no. There is no guarantee that she will stay, and there is no guarantee she will go. Not to be morbid, but the same is true for biological kids. Just because the chance is there that a biological child may die or run away or get terminally ill or whatever doesn't mean it's not worth it to be his or her parent as long as you're blessed with the chance. Also, you're doing this for her...not for your yourself and not for other family members. If it would be devastating to her (and let's be honest, to you too), I would say don't disrupt. BUT - I also know that only you know your circumstances and what is right for you and your family and (if you're religious) what God is calling you to do. No one else can make that decision for you. Either way, it's hard. Good luck and hugs to you.

This. You're already firmly attached. Having her leave now isn't going to be easier on your family. Also, you would have to live with pushing her away instead of having her taken from you. I've struggled with keeping an uncertain case before. It hurts. There is no easy solution.

We got our AS when he was 15 mths old. It was a crazy case for 2 years, and I had the same thoughts because I was so tired of all the stress, uncertainty, and just everything. They ordered him sent to his great aunt after she popped up wanting to take his newborn sibling, who we had also. It was obvious she didn't want our AS, just the baby, but the state said it was a package deal. The judge and the CW told us to file an appeal, but I was just done fighting, I actually packed his things, with tears streaming down my face, and called the worker to pick him up the next morning. But, my husband and I prayed and he said he felt like we had to do all that we could do, for his sake. He had already moved 5 times in the first 15 mths of his life and was very attached to us after being with us for almost 2 years. So, we filed an appeal and the judge ruled it was in his best interest to stay with us, and we finalized his adoption several months later. I look at him now, and can't imagine if we had given up. I know it is hard, but if you disrupt now there is NO chance of you getting to adopt her, and if you hang in there, there is still a chance, and if you do get to adopt her, you will be soooo glad you stuck it out! I am praying for you during this difficult time.

I'm sorry you are in that situation. I'm sorry that the system is not doing what it should to get this little girl permanency. It's not fair, the situation that you are in. But parenting usually isn't fair. As parents, the expectation is that we do what's in the best interest of our children. So rather than look at what it will cost your family to have to eventually give her back.... can you change your perspective and look at it from the perspective of what it will do for your family (and this girl) if you keep her until permanency is possible; even if it's not permanency with you? I might suggest you look also at this from the perspective of your adopted son. Overall, what do you want him to gain from this experience? Do you want him to learn that sometimes the *right* thing to do is very very hard? But we do it anyway because sometimes the pain for someone else would be worse? Or do you want to teach him that if it hurts too much you don't go on. I know I worded that kind of harshly..... but someone else has already pointed out that you are ALREADY going to feel her loss. If you see it through until she is placed for permanency at least you might have a better level of closure. You will know where she will be permanently - rather than moving her to an interim place and not having that closure. You will also open the door to continue the relationship with her if she is placed back with biological relatives. I would also encourage you to go back to what your thoughts were when you started the foster process. Did you only foster because you wanted to adopt? Or were there other reasons why you were open to fostering first? Does your FD have a therapist? If not I might ask her worker if she can refer you to a counselor to help make that decision. Good luck.

I am curious about why you think this case could drag on another 2 years, and why you think she might leave. If bps are filing appeals, ask around and find out if TPR is ever overturned by appeals in your area. I know our TPR judge has never had a TPR overturned on appeal. Never. Maybe knowing stuff like that could help ease your mind. Cases like baby Veronica are exceptions rather than the rule. I am disheartened to hear that you'd want to send a child you love away because things aren't happening on your timeline.

I would stick it out until the end if it were me. Once I commit to long term it's out of my hands, but my heart gets more attached and I will feel the pain. At this point the heart wrench would be horrible if she left now, or in another year. I would keep her, so that she would know that you were there for her, and did not give up on her. She will know in her heart no matter what happens that you were there for her. This could be her defining moment of whether she keeps fighting or gives up under stress in the future.

Thanks all. Kimidawn, your story is amazing. It really gave me a different perspective and I can tell you totally get what I am saying and feeling. Thank you. And so glad things worked out for you. Millie58, family members have stepped up in big way demanding that they be given Pepa and her sibs but they have all been deemed inappropriate placements. They continue to protest this loudly, but that seems to only be hurting their case further. It is taking so long because of a failed kinship placement that did not count towards time in care, and because the parents have fought every step in court, rather than working their plan. Some of you do bring up some good points, like there are never guarantees, even with birth children. That is so true. And that it will hurt as much now to say goodbye, and that might be right. I had not thought of the fact that my AS would be better able to process the loss as he gets older. This makes sense, so I will need to think through all these things. To MissouriFosterMom2be, you weren't harsh. I appreciated your perspective. I actually did not get into fostering to adopt, but rather to help kids. I am willing to experience loss to help others, and fully expected to (and actually have, as we sent one baby girl home already). I just did not bargain for the VERY long term fostering and I feel (maybe wrongly) that that could cause a more severe loss than saying goodbye after 1 or 2 years, and possibly traumatize my son, impacting his trust in relationships, etc. I really have some more thinking to do on this and while I am still quite upset,i Do appreciate the support and points of view. I will say to the pp who mentioned they felt disheartened because I was disrupting just because the timeline did not go the way I wanted to, this has bEen and is an agonizing process that I have put myself and my family in for two years with the SOLE intent of helping this little girl. At some point this foster system can damage my family and no matter how important this little girl is to all of us, I will not allow us to be irreparably damaged. The system in my state at least is very broken and is in need of serious help. So this is not just that I am having a tantrum over how soon I get to adopt, it is me seeing the collateral damage happening to all of us, Pepa included and it is upsetting me.

Betzim, i know you will do what is best for your family. I pray that you are given strength because neither road will be easy. For your son, maybe start now telling him why you foster. This may help him understand why it was important to care for this child, and how much you were able to help her if she goes. I had to give myself this pep talk many many times until I was comfortable with the reality of KK leaving.

It probably sounds crazy to outsiders, but you only really get it if you've been there. That is so unfair. I've had current thoughts with my current placement and we've had her a small fraction of what you've had yours. Love her to pieces but it's going to be a long case that looks 50/50 right now. And RU will never be an okay thing long term but if bio mom can do the song/dance and everything done for her like it looks like it's going to be, then hands may be tied. Depressing. So yeah, disrupting a baby you've had under half a year sounds easier than saying goodbye to a toddler you've raised since birth, right? My youngest wont understand if she leaves... We didn't set out to adopt again but I guess I was silly in thinking I'd continue to get short term placements. Thought this one was going to a relative quickly when I took her. We won't disrupt her because I don't want to do that to the baby. And if she's meant to be ours forever, she will stay, but it's going to be a long road. :confused: Hang in there! After so long, I would think what's another couple years? :arrow: I understand the fear, but best for your little one to be with you right now no matter what happens. HUGS

When you agreed to take her you agreed to put your family through the pain and loss. That part is already done, you can't undo it. It sounds to me like your trying to prepare your heart. I understand. I had TT's bio sibling for nearly 3 years when the case plan changed and we were told it could drag out. It didn't matter. I'd give anything for one more day with his giggles, his clumsiness, his stinky little potato feet. I know it's hard, but disrupting a stable child to go to yet another place to be transferred if or when permanency is finally reached is not so fair to that kid. Like another poster said this isn't about you. You didn't sign up to be a respite provider only. You know these kids spend on average 2-3 years in care. Sometimes many more years. I know your protecting your heart and that of your other child, I completely understand that as a mom who's lost a bio child and a long term foster kiddo. But I couldn't disrupt because of it lasting too long. The hurt my poor parents / family went through among other things made me leave the foster care system. I could never do that to them again. It was heart wrenching, bringing a child into their lives and then having him taken away. I understand that guilt; but doing it now will make it no more easy to watch her go and it will make it much harder on the child, imagine how she would feel. I wish you the best of luck and peace. I still remember sitting in my family room going through the toy box sobbing as I packed his things. It's a feeling of loss that hasn't left. But I don't regret taking care of him for one second!

Betzim, I hear you. I am going through the same angst. I had only anticipated having BE for a short time so I did not worry about bonding and loss for Chubbs. Now, here we are at 20 months and looking at potentially losing him. I wonder, if I disrupt, I can control the loss with Chubbs and prepare him, but if I don't, this may drag on for another year or more and any bio family can come out and take him, even after TPR during appeals. It is flipping scary. But, the day will come, if BE is gone, that I will have to tell Chubbs why he lost his brother. I can't have the answer be that his mommy was afraid at losing Russian Roulette. BE deserves to be fought for and Chubbs deserves the chance to keep his brother. If he faces that loss, it won't be due to actions from me. Your son is so much older and able to start processing the loss in as healthy of a manner as possible. The loss will always be there but do will the happy memories. I chatted with a woman once whose husband was adopted. When he was 13, he had a new foster brother for a year or two. He was returned to bios and the man never got over that loss. He always wondered what happened to him and was so happy to find him on FB. So, loss is loss. He is going to be hurt either way, but only one of those ways is potentially preventable. And of course, you already know the impact disrupting will do to the daughter you love.

I feel your pain. Our FD has been with us almost 8 months (I know this is not half of what time you have had yours) there have been many changes with Bios, paternity test, & other things in the past 2 months. I see this dragging out forever. RU with Bios or relatives doesnt look like a positive thing at this point. I am scared for her, but I am dreading the case being prolonged for many more months only for us to let her go:mad: Right now if she left we would grieve and be upset. I can't even fathom waiting 6 more months. The system stinks!!! Right now we are considering not taking any more after she leaves, but I have a feeling we would change our mind. We would definitely want to remain open in case she came back into care. The pain is so fresh right now & she is still with us. We are assuming she will RU at some point with someone. We have prayed for her safety & what is best for her. I think the hard part is having no control & looking at your FC and knowing there is really nothing you can do. It is really the same as your Bio children. You know what is best for your family. No matter what others think you are the one dealing with the issues. The FC's are not really what makes fostering difficult. It is dealing with the visits, bios, SW's & the system in general. I look into my FD's eyes and know she did not choose any of this & she is a victim of her parents choices. She has no say in her circumstance & what choices will be made for her......This is where I feel helpless:( I trust that God will take care of our case, but that doesnt mean I dont worry about it. I tend to fret about things I have not control over. Hope you have a peace about your decision.

Betzim, I totally understand where you are coming from. I know I signed up and volunteered to put myself through these losses. However, I didn't really think about how my Sips is going to lose his sister to whom he grows more and more attached every day. I keep thinking that it is a blessing Sips is so young, he won't truly understand what is going on. But, we are only 4 months in to this placement! I think it will be a while longer until RU, probably 6 months or more. Every day, bonds deepen and losses become more significant. I am not sure I could do this to Sips again after FD leaves. Stay strong, mama.

Still here! Still kicking! And we are heading to TPR FINALLY!!!!! In a couple weeks. Prayers, Prayers and more prayers needed. That TPR will go through and there will be no appeal. This is my prayer. And if you don't pray, I also accept positive thoughts!!! :)