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[FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"]I just spent 30 minutes writing and lost the entire post. Divine intervention perhaps. I will address this to you, my son, Nicky, even if it is your adoptive parents reading this or their family or whoever, this is for you. I look at the posts on here and it really does seem like the only time I think of you is on your birthday. Nothing could be further from the truth, because you are in my thoughts daily. I get scared because as the years go by, the more people pass away and they will never have gotten to see you or meet you. I hope there is a heaven and that they can see you finally and watch over you. It's nice to think that. I wonder about your aparents. I wonder how they sleep at night and how they have slept since 1986 knowing they successfully lied and bamboozled me in order to get you. You see, in my world, up until then, a persons verbal word was their truth and could be trusted. After the adoption, since none of what they promised for months was in the contract, they lied. Oh how they lied. Maybe I would have done the same thing if I were desperate for a child. Probably not, because I am not immoral. But for both of them to lie and make promises they knew they were not going to keep. It turned me very bitter for many years. And I never trusted on blind faith again. I questioned everyone's motive on everything from that point on. Well, life goes on and we all get older and we lose people we love. And we learn life has many lessons in store for us, so the lessons I learned from your aparents was just the first of many that life taught me. I'm putting this out here now because, well, my Mom just hit 70 a couple months ago and as I type this, she is in a hospital in Albuquerque. And we are not with her, because we can't be. But I think of how she held you when you were born and now she found religion again. Born again Catholic if there is such a thing. My Dad is dead and it's a shame you didn't get to meet him, and it will be a shame if you don't get to meet your grandmother before she passes. What drives me insane is that I see every post I place on your birthday get read hundreds of times. Is it by you? Or are your adoptive parents reading it? Or other family members? A girlfriend? A wife? It has to be someone that knows you. Can whoever you are, show this woman just a little bit of compassion? I won't force myself on him. I would like to know he is healthy, happy and alive. I hope he has a wife and children because his sister will not have children. That's her choice, and if it meant to be that me and my husband only have a dog as a grandchild, so be it. But please, whoever you are that reads it, even if it's you L or R, I would like to know what you have to say for yourselves after all these years. That's really all I have to say. Nicky, I have no other name to call you except the one on your birth certificate, I love you. I loved you from the moment I knew you were in my belly. I will love you as I take my last breath. If love could've fed you and I, and given us a place to live and paid for utilities and diapers and everything else, you and I would have had it made in the shade little man. But love isn't enough. Forgive me please. Forgive me for wanting you to have a better life than the one I could've given you. Forgive me for loving you enough to let you go. Forgive me wanting you to have the best shot at a good life and forgive me for knowing that it wasn't with me. [/FONT]
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