Advertisements
so I don't know my whole background, but what i do know, I will give to you, maybe you can make a little more sense out of it... I am half black, half white... my mother being white. Both parents grew up in a very small catholic town, majority of them being white... i was born early oct, 1990, so times have changed since then, but the town is still very small... it is a university town, though... ...i grew up with my black, paternal GRANDPARENTS. my father moved away with who is now my step mother, i have 3 younger siblings by her... my biomom skipped town asap, but i have never had really any contact with her... she moved away, like 4 hr drive from here.... i gee up in the same town as both sets of grandparents.... where i live, my skin colour makes me stick out moe, so i bet that i have crossed paths with my maternal grandparents and not even have known it... yet they may have recognized me...... ... my birthday is coming up ansi just can't stop thinking about my birthmother...id just like some closure really.... i need to accept it may never come... she was young when she gave me up, i can only assume from parental pressure.... i contacted her around the age of 12 and she said not to contact her again.... am now turning 24 and am not sure what to do... i would like to try again more directly, for some closure, or just not contact her at all.... its hard for me because i don't know where i come from i guess... idk... what do u guys think, as a bmom? (also i was 3 months premature) (dunno if she told anyone she was even pregnant )
Like
Share
Hi Samham.. I'm sorry there hasn't been a response for your post. I live in another country so I'm not sure how to answer. I am a birth mother and feel that if you want to make contact then of course you should try. Things change over time and you could say something like "I know you said no contact when I was younger but I am older now and thought I would check if contact would be possible?" It sure sounds like a complicated situation though as you were brought up by your birth father's family so your birth mother must feel a lot of guilt for running away. She may have a husband and family who doesn't know anything about you. I don't know it's hard to say. You are at the stage in life when you are forming your own identity which is probably why you are thinking about this. You could wait until you are older and make enquiries then when you are perhaps more mature and sure of yourself. At least you know your bio family where you live now. There are no guarantees of a good outcome but it is part of your journey. If you do get a "no contact" response again then you are a bit closer to being able to accept that. Hold your head up as a good, caring person and remember you have bio family and friends in your town to support you through life. All the best to you.. ^0^
Advertisements
Dear Samham,I wish I had some answers for you. I would have been so delighted to hear from my son when he was 12... or 24. He was never a secret though (although I didn't talk about him much.) For me it was a litmus test of friendship... I would tell someone when we were becoming close friends... (giving them a chance to reject me, I think.) They never did but I was always amazed when they asked if my husband knew. (Why did they think I would tell them something I hadn't told my husband?!) Small towns do often add a challenge to the mix, especially when they are predominately white. My one son's first wife was biracial and she used to talk about the challenges of growing up in a mostly while community. Do you know who her parents are? Is it possible to make contact with them? You could try to write your mom and ask for information about your heritage on her side of the family. What's the worst she can say? (She's already said no once.) You could tell her that as your birthday approaches, you have been thinking about her and wishing you knew more (Or had a relationship with her... or what ever you think you want) You could assure her that you don't want to invade her life or make it harder for her, but that you have a need to know her.That does sound pretty scary, doesn't it? I wish I could assure that everything will go well but there are no guarantees. I'm just glad my son didn't say no when I contacted him. I wish you the same joy.
Dear Samham, I wish I had some answers for you. I would have been so delighted to hear from my son when he was 12... or 24. He was never a secret though (although I didn't talk about him much.) For me it was a litmus test of friendship... I would tell someone when we were becoming close friends... (giving them a chance to reject me, I think.) They never did but I was always amazed when they asked if my husband knew. (Why did they think I would tell them something I hadn't told my husband?!) Small towns do often add a challenge to the mix, especially when they are predominately white. My one son's first wife was biracial and she used to talk about the challenges of growing up in a mostly while community. Do you know who her parents are? Is it possible to make contact with them? You could try to write your mom and ask for information about your heritage on her side of the family. What's the worst she can say? (She's already said no once.) You could tell her that as your birthday approaches, you have been thinking about her and wishing you knew more (Or had a relationship with her... or what ever you think you want) You could assure her that you don't want to invade her life or make it harder for her, but that you have a need to know her. That does sound pretty scary, doesn't it? I wish I could assure that everything will go well but there are no guarantees. I'm just glad my son didn't say no when I contacted him. I wish you the same joy.
Samham, I wrote a very long response, sadly it did not post and I didn't copy it. But basically I wanted to say that you are now an adult, and maybe your birth mother's perspective has changed. 12 years ago maybe she was "scared" of becoming involved with a teenager or child, or the whole situation in general. Since it's on your mind so much, I think you should definitely inquire. You have the right to ask and to find out about your background. Why not write a short, friendly letter, telling her about yourself, your job, and your goals, and any interests you may have, creative or otherwise. Make sure to let her know that you care about her and hope she is happy. it is the truth, after all! Keep it light and chatty, and short. Birth mothers are filled with fear of 100 different scenarios, when contacted by their children. I hope this time she will be responsive. Since you are an adult now, I think things have changed. i hope so anyway. Hope this helps and good luck to you, Marie (a birth mother)
Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. I know the names of my paternal grandparents. I know the names of mostly everyone in the town (slight exaggeration but that's really how small this town is.) It is SO small, people the birthmothers age, and father ... a lot of them still live in this town and know who my mothers is. Strangers who knew her in high school could point me out of a crowd and recognize me as her daughter. In fact, my dad, his brother (my uncle), my mother and HER BROTHER and a few other people i knew were all friends back in their day... that's what kinda makes it hard on me too. -my dad and her brother were good friends i guess-- I don't want to get rambling again, I just wanted to say thanks :)
Advertisements