Beyond Angry - Searching for Peace

No I didn't. I simply don't subscribe to it, nor does everyone else: [url=http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/disturbed/201208/why-you-dont-always-have-forgive]Why you don't always have to forgive[/url] .

It would be an interesting topic to further explore; but I digress. What is the connection between your disagreeing with the statements made in this thread regarding forgiveness and the original post?

If you read the entire thread, you'll see that I originally addressed the OP's questions and concerns back in October -- and made the same observation then. The thread was revived today by another reader and I, like you, was simply adding my own opinion to the discussion. You say the person needs to forgive, and I say that's not true. That's the connection. .

We CHOOSE how we feel. We CHOOSE how to react. We CHOOSE how we let others make us feel. Do not give the power of how you feel to others. I am sure some of you have gone through unspeakable hardships, but do not let those define you. You are not what was done to you, you can rise above it, still become your own person. Blaming others is the easy way out, then you don't need to take responsibility for yourself, it was someone elses fault.

Communications breakdown! Please allow me to elaborate:I believe that to a point, but to a point I disagree. I get angry when someone refers to me as "queer". I get angry because when I was growing up, that was a fighting word; an insult. Today, there are many gays who prefer to be called queer. So every time I hear that word, I have to quell the storm and revisit the issue: where the word came from, the spirit it was delivered, etc. etc. -- pscyhologists call this "reframing". In time, I can reprogram myself so that in time I may no longer become angry at the sound of that word. So in that sense, I have a choice. But I do not have a choice how to feel as far as my present programming is involved. As time goes on, I will become more skilled at not feeling automatically angry at the word "queer" but that will take time and effort and practice. AND, I certainly do not "choose" how I feel when betrayed, abandoned; when threatened; when someone close to me dies; etc. Emotions are what emotions are.Completely agreed.Good advice. But not entirely realistic. If someone puts a gun in my face and tells me they are going to kill me, I am going to be afraid. I can not simply choose to not be afraid. Agreed. Completely. I personally tire of "perpetual victims".It certainly may "seem" the easy way out, but in the long run, it isn't. We may be able to avoid taking responsibility for our actions, but we will always be held accountable. There are many in prisons of bars or drugs or (fill in the blank) who have not learned that lesson; and as a result, they continue to suffer consequences of their actions (and attitudes) that they may

Communications breakdown! Please allow me to elaborate: I believe that to a point, but to a point I disagree. I get angry when someone refers to me as "queer". I get angry because when I was growing up, that was a fighting word; an insult. Today, there are many gays who prefer to be called queer. So every time I hear that word, I have to quell the storm and revisit the issue: where the word came from, the spirit it was delivered, etc. etc. -- pscyhologists call this "reframing". In time, I can reprogram myself so that in time I may no longer become angry at the sound of that word. So in that sense, I have a choice. But I do not have a choice how to feel as far as my present programming is involved. As time goes on, I will become more skilled at not feeling automatically angry at the word "queer" but that will take time and effort and practice. AND, I certainly do not "choose" how I feel when betrayed, abandoned; when threatened; when someone close to me dies; etc. Emotions are what emotions are. Completely agreed. Good advice. But not entirely realistic. If someone puts a gun in my face and tells me they are going to kill me, I am going to be afraid. I can not simply choose to not be afraid. Agreed. Completely. I personally tire of "perpetual victims". It certainly may "seem" the easy way out, but in the long run, it isn't. We may be able to avoid taking responsibility for our actions, but we will always be held accountable. There are many in prisons of bars or drugs or (fill in the blank) who have not learned that lesson; and as a result, they continue to suffer consequences of their actions (and attitudes) that they may

... otherwise avoid by simply taking responsibility of their actions.To bring it closer to home: If we read in the paper that a child has been abducted, raped and murdered, most become angry and afraid. There is no "choice" in the matter. When we read in the paper that a family died in a fire, most feel sadness or empathy. There is no "choice" in the matter.When we lose sight of a child in our care in a crowded place, we become afraid. There is no "choice" in the matter.When many of us read that families are torn apart and people irrevocably harmed my fraudulent or harmful adoption practices, we become angry. There is no "choice" in the matter.

... otherwise avoid by simply taking responsibility of their actions. To bring it closer to home: If we read in the paper that a child has been abducted, raped and murdered, most become angry and afraid. There is no "choice" in the matter. When we read in the paper that a family died in a fire, most feel sadness or empathy. There is no "choice" in the matter. When we lose sight of a child in our care in a crowded place, we become afraid. There is no "choice" in the matter. When many of us read that families are torn apart and people irrevocably harmed my fraudulent or harmful adoption practices, we become angry. There is no "choice" in the matter.

ps why am i double posting and how can i stop that from happening? it is so ... redundant ... lol ...

ps why am i double posting and how can i stop that from happening? it is so ... redundant ... lol ...

If you quote someone it doesn't double post If you post reply (button below the thread, left side), it doesn't double post If you chose the quick reply button in the post - it double posts. Kind regards, Dickons

Thanks for your help.

And if you choose the quick reply (as I've mostly done for almost 10 years no and it double posts, you can delete the double post... it is a pain though:wings: Feeling are not good or bad. They just are! The question becomes what do we do with our feelings.. how do we deal with the situations that give rise to the feelings. It would be really nice if if we could just "choose" not to feel a certain way, but it's not usually that simple. It takes lots of hard work sometimes.

kakuehl, I couldn't agree more!

You are definitly not the first adoptee to feel such anger. I just found my son a couple months ago and I could feel his underlying anger through all his remarks that he makes to me and I would love for him to just rage and tell me everything he is thinking and feeling but he won't. He would rather try to engage me in sensless banter for hours. When he first asked about his baby story I gave him bits of information, not because I didn't want to tell him the whole story, but because I had repressed all those memories deep inside me. He was getting frustrated with me because little details kept changing and he thought I was making up things or lying to him. During this time not only was he feeling extreme emotions about the reunion, but I was feeling them as well so my mind was not fully functioning clearly. Last week I decided that we were headed down an unhealthy time and we needed a little more space from one another to deal with our feelings. I spent that time going through all the forums on this sight trying to figure out what adoptees want and how they are feeling and the one thing they all wanted was their baby story. I got out all my pictures from the year he was conceived and born and I made a extremely detailed baby story for him with all the pictures so he could have his story always. He responded that he loved it and he loved me. I realize now that I just have to make a bunch of baby steps to obtain a healthy relationship with him. Be patient. It will come.