Advertisements
I never wanted to be a mother. I didn't dream about it. I never wished for it. And short of avoiding sex entirely, I tried my best to prevent it permanently. I have Essure but apparently one tube was still a little bit open. I've gone through the pregnancy doing what I'm supposed to do, hoping the mommy feelings would come. But they haven't. I just plain don't want to do it. I don't want sleepless nights. I don't want babyproofing. I don't want to be tied to a location to be a responsible parent. I hate that my job is now restricted to keep me from traveling until after the baby is born. Everyone expects me to be a mother to this baby and thinks it's selfish that I might not want to give up the things necessary to actually BE a mother. I mean, I guess I'm a mother by default, but I don't want to do mom things. I have talked to an agency and they seem okay. I just can't get past thinking I'm selfish for not wanting to be a mom, ever, even though I could, theoretically provide all the basic necessities for a child. I don't want to forever resent the baby/child either. That kind of thing is very damaging too. Can anyone offer me any perspective that might be useful?
Like
Share
I'll offer a disclaimer first that I'm not a birthmom, I'm an adoptive mom. I'm also a pediatric psychotherapist.That said, the perspective I can offer you is that you can't offer a child all the basic necessities if you don't want to be a mother. Love and being wanted are just as important as food and shelter. I have worked with too many kids whose main problem is that their parents didn't really want them. These parents are not bad people, but they are terrible parents because they resent their children. That comes through, no matter how hard you try to prevent it from showing. Not wanting to be a parent is selfish, but so is wanting to be a parent. That doesn't make either of them a bad thing, or you a bad person. Not wanting to be a parent is the absolute BEST reason to place a child for adoption; that is the situation in which it really is a free choice.
Advertisements
I'll offer a disclaimer first that I'm not a birthmom, I'm an adoptive mom. I'm also a pediatric psychotherapist. That said, the perspective I can offer you is that you can't offer a child all the basic necessities if you don't want to be a mother. Love and being wanted are just as important as food and shelter. I have worked with too many kids whose main problem is that their parents didn't really want them. These parents are not bad people, but they are terrible parents because they resent their children. That comes through, no matter how hard you try to prevent it from showing. Not wanting to be a parent is selfish, but so is wanting to be a parent. That doesn't make either of them a bad thing, or you a bad person. Not wanting to be a parent is the absolute BEST reason to place a child for adoption; that is the situation in which it really is a free choice.
First, I am an adoptive mother and my case was exactly the opposite, I did not conceive my life without a child and this is why we pursued adoption. However we have friends who are simply not interested in having kids and they are very happy. I think the choice of parenthood is so personal that nobody else can tell you what to do.
I'm an adoptee--adopted many decades ago but just this year discovering my story. It appears my birth mother did not raise her first born and didn't desire to parent me and my brother. Akinna, I can honestly say I've never had a single negative thought about my birth mother and am very grateful for my life. Yes, it is a very personal decision. Hope this helps...
I'm an adoptive mom but from my growing up my parents divorced when I was just a few months old. My mom admitted I was an "oops" baby and as an adult I know my dad just wasn't really father material. I love him dearly with all my heart and don't hold it against him. Some people just don't have the personalities or desires to be parents. With that said, I had a friend who never had a desire to have children either and accidentally ended up pregnant. She got married during the pregnancy, all the while dreading the fact that she would soon be a mom. Once her baby was born it seems that a light when on and she realized that she wanted to be a mom more than anything. Perhaps you could come up with an adoption plan now but see how you feel when the baby is born? Nothing has to be set in stone at this point anyway. Just know what your options are and be ready to make a decision after you have the baby. I wish you the best of luck!
Advertisements
Sweetheart, I admire your truthfulness. You are not alone in this world. I'm very happy that you can be the bigger person and acknowledge that you aren't ready to be a mom. As a mom of 4; 3 biological and 1 adopted I just wanted to reassure you that there are people in the world that can take care of the precious person inside of you. You are a shining light for Jesus, sweetie. If you would like to talk personally or just to vent you can email me at davisholly7@gmail.com. God loves you. :love: