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I am a single mom of 2 beautiful little girls, half sisters. AD6 and AD10. I have had AD6 since birth and am very much attached. I have had AD10 for a little over 4 yrs and still feel like I'm just raising someone else's child. :confused: AD10 is diagnosed RAD & PTSD. She is a sweet child. Very Bright. Never angry, never throws temper tantrums. Loves to be helpful. Loves to be affectionate. Tries to do well in school. Makes Honor Roll. Follows direction w/ little prompting. Plays well with her little sister. Does her chores with little/no prompting. Shows some empathy. Wants to be respected and trustworthy. :love: Her "other side" Is passive agressive. Controlling. Manipulative. Lies. Does what she wants as soon as my back is turned. Is mean to her sister when she thinks I can't see/hear. Has little/no impulse control. No guilt or remorse. She wants my attention only when I can't give it. She follows me everywhere. I feel like I can't get away, and no matter how much attention I give her it's never enough. Even with regular mommy and me days, she actually said I never pay attention to her. :eek: I KNOW the child above is in there. I think she wants to be that child, but is unable to. And the problem is, because she displays so much of the "other" child, I have a hard time bonding with her, because frankly I don't like "her" very much. I can't respect her, I don't trust her, and I find it very difficult to be affectionate with her. I have never been one to "fake it" and I'm finding it extremely difficult to be the "fake it til you make it" mom. I've become angry, irritable, I feel smothered, confined. I'm overly strict, because I feel I can't let loose the reins or she runs wild. My AD6 is becoming sullen and mean. She is pulling away and no longer comes to me for comfort and it's destroying me to watch. And I can't help but resent AD10 because she's affecting my bond w/ AD6. We are in AT, but I am having a very hard time relating to the therapist. I don't feel like she understands me, and I feel that she feels all our problems are my fault. AD10 won't change if I don't change. And I can't change because AD10 isn't changing. HELP!! Anyone have any suggestions? I feel like we're SO close, and I feel as if I could change my thoughts/feelings about her we would be able to move forward and progress, but I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall because I just can't move past it. :grr: She deserves love and affection. I want to give it to her, but emotionally I just can't and I know she feels it. It's slowly eating me alive and I'm becoming someone I don't like very much.
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This is hard. :( Do you have one-on-one time on mom and me dates without AD6? Maybe there's some jealousy from AD10 because you already had a bond with your younger daughter when she came into the picture, and AD10 has felt like she's playing catch up? Regardless, it sounds like you're really trying and looking for her good qualities. You're emotionally tired, but if you can keep going unconditionally, I feel like she'll come around. Hopefully someone has some better BTDT for the time being. Wishing happy things for you and your girls!:love: -Spud :Chewie:
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Mommy and me time is just the 2 of us... I spend time with them individually doing something fun. Unfortunately, when I have mommy and me time w/ AD10, she barely talks to me. And if we're anywhere there are other people, will usually ditch me to spend time with someone else, instead. I had stopped doing it because the therapist told me it was probably overwhelming, and TOO MUCH for her to handle emotionally. I'm at the point I think I should probably just discharge with the therapists and try going it alone for a while with some support groups and reading up. This is #4.
Rads is a very hard diagnose. I would look for a different therapist, that understands Rads. I would have ran, if I was told a child had Rads. I read a lot about it. I hope you daughters on the very low side of Rads. They're people that could give you better info, if they could login and comment.
Thankfully yes, she has a very mild case. But then again... puberty hasn't hit yet, either. I am dreading those years. I just simply don't understand her choices or her thought process. I think she stirs me up on purpose, just because she doesn't like for the house NOT to be in chaos. I notice if things go too well, she starts to kick in with the evil twin.
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I am so sorry you feel like this. Four years is a long time fake it or to try and not make it. Play therapy helped us with attachment to M, but DH and I still have days and even whole weeks when we don't feel the bond. I think you have to find something in common with your daughter you can connect over. Things you do as a team. Air hockey is a family favorite for us. We plan movie nights and arrive half an hour early to hit the arcade until the previews roll. We take a lot of trips together, sing along to the radio together, take lots of pictures and bond over shared memories. We print some of the pictures out for M and use them to help her continue her life book. We read to M every night. She does not love it, but she gets to stay up an extra half hour (reading time) so she has come to appreciate it. We read some fiction and some therapeutic materials. We do not allow electronics in her room, so we spend a lot of time together even doing our own thing in the living room. We always eat together, though watching TV to take the pressure off conversation. But M is not RAD. I don't know what I would do with RAD. I second the opinion to find a good therapist that knows how to treat that specific disorder. Hugs.
What you describe is exactly the hardest part of parenting a RAD child. And its the part that no one on the outside sees. It isn't you. You obviously can bond with your child. You did it with the younger one. A child with RAD will passively push you away. Constantly. How can anyone expect to fully bond with a person that pushes and pushes. That's not even a real expectation. So, yes, you fake it. Trying to fill her up with attention is like trying to fill a colander with water. You just can't do it. When she says that you don't give her enough attention, just saying "I'm sorry you feel that way". You need to find a new attachment therapist. When my daughter was younger (she is now 17), the therapist worked with me more than with her. The therapist should be helping you find ways to deal with the passive aggressive behavior. They should be helping you find a way to bond with a child that can't bond back. A good attachment therapist will realize that you, as the mom, are crucial to the child's development.
I know this is an old post, but JustWingingIt, I know where you stand. It's the same place I am stuck at. My RAD girl is 10y old as well, and exhibits similiar behaviors to yours. It's exhausting. There are so many days where I am not sure that I can do it. And trying to find a good attachment therapist appears to be harder than finding the needle in the haystack. The good ones don't accept Medicaid and unfortunately that is all we have. So, here is to winging it. You are not alone!
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I have first hand experience with RAD. My sister and I had been with current mother (she foster us first then adopted) since she was 2 and I was 3. Even at 2 would not attach. By the time she was around 6-7 she was diagnosed with RAD. After many therapists, my mom finally found one who was very experience with RAD and was really and eye opener. People with RAD NEVER truly attach. At times it may seem they do attach, but it is not a true attachment or bond. The symptoms your child has is right on target for RAD. RAD lacks a conscience basically which is the reason for not having any remorse even after hurting someone. With my sister, the symptoms got worse and worse. By the time she was 16, she ran away to a friends family. They had planned on adopting her which my mom was willing to allow since she seemed happy.....but then they found out what she was truly like so she left that family and went to another. Have not heard or seen her since she was 18. So just remember, you are not alone. Some areas have support groups for RAD parents....maybe look and see if there is one in your area or online (such as FB). That may help you having support from those who are experiencing the same thing and also have RAD children. Also I highly recommend you contact other therapists in your area. Before making appts, find out how well they know RAD. Not too many therapists are very experienced with it (RAD is not very common either). Support may be the key to you not feeling so angry and resentment. You have to remember, no matter how bad RAD is, it is not the child's fault. Genetics and past environment are to blame. I def know how you feel though when I grew up with my sister. Make sure you are protecting your 6 year old. Do not leave her alone with the other child especially since you are aware of what the 10 year old is doing to her. Also maybe consider having your 6 year speak to a counselor or something just to see how she is feeling growing up around this (just in case there are things she is not telling you). Good luck, and remember, you have support. :wings: