4 years ago my birth daughter contacted me. She was 30 years old and I never thought I would hear from her. I didn't tell anyone in my current life about her. I was so surprised by her letter that I didn't respond to her for 2 weeks. I guess after waiting 30 years she couldn't wait 2 more weeks. When she found my name and sent me the letter she also found me on Facebook and sent me another message. She also saw I had a raised daughter. She sent my daughter, who did not know I had given a child up, a message on FB. As they talked and compared information they discovered, yes, they are sisters. They became friends on FB and my birth daughter posted that she had found her sister and tagged her in the post. I found out about this by seeing her tagged in this post. I then had to quickly call my family to tell them she had found me and then had to call all my friends who knew nothing about this and tell them I had relinquished a child 30 years before. Everyone was so supportive! I have only told a couple of friends how angry I am about this. She was prepared for reunion but I was not. Shouldn't I have been given more than 2 weeks to respond? I did decide not to tell her this (and I haven't for 4 years) and we met and it was wonderful to hold her again. We get together occasionally for family events. What I am struggling with now is that all contact between us is initiated by me. We never are alone there is always someone around. We have never talked on the phone. It is always by text initiated by me. When I do text her she responds immediately. She talks on the phone with her sister at least twice a week and they get together many weekends. I feel blindsided by the way she made contact and now feel that it is only a sibling relationship and I am left out. My question is should I stop trying? Should I wait and see if she will contact me? What should I do?
Well, the weather made my decision for me. I live in the Northeast and with all the snow we have and the frigid temperatures there is ice everywhere!! I cancelled our lunch because I don't want to drive any distance in this. Maybe we will reschedule and maybe we won't. The bright side is she has been initiating contact a couple of times a week since I stopped. Gradually I have been the initiator and I'm feeling better about it. Thank you all for your GREAT advice!!!
Well I'm glad to hear she's doing her part too. I think you should reschedule. I know it seems daunting but I've found after tough conversations, I leave feeling so much more at peace and typically on the same plane as the other person I'm talking to. I wish you luck. Keep us updated on your progress.
I agree; reschedule. Tell her you were really looking forward to time alone with her. (I have found over the years that often face to face conversations advance relationships much more quickly that emails, phone calls, etc. and that misconceptions are cleared up.
I will add my voice to the chorus, urging you to re-schedule. It's great that you have come so far in your relationship with your daughter in general. Well you can say you are so disappointed that the lunch didn't go forward due to the weather, as it was going to be a lot of fun, just the 2 of you! Which is the truth I think.
It sounds like she is a bit scared to be alone with you, from what I read of the above. I'm sorry that it's been painful and confusing for you. I can say that I have been contacted by my younger son, in recent months (he is one of 2 children I placed privately, for adoption, with some friends of mine). We live a great distance apart. In general, I can tell that although he wants a relationship, my son is, above all, just plain scared. It is understandable. I can only do the best thing I can think of - keep a positive, light approach, be friendly and reassuring - if I'm disappointed in anything, make it clear it is because of circumstances, not anything he is doing - and in general, try to put him at ease.
You are much further along in your journey, mine is just starting at this point. But I hope this can be of some help. I will not have the "serious conversation" with him, in person, for another few months. But I hope that for you, it will go well and put your daughter's mind at ease to be more relaxed with you, one-on-one.
Marie
I will add my voice to the chorus, urging you to re-schedule. It's great that you have come so far in your relationship with your daughter in general. Well you can say you are so disappointed that the lunch didn't go forward due to the weather, as it was going to be a lot of fun, just the 2 of you! Which is the truth I think.
It sounds like she is a bit scared to be alone with you, from what I read of the above. I'm sorry that it's been painful and confusing for you. I can say that I have been contacted by my younger son, in recent months (he is one of 2 children I placed privately, for adoption, with some friends of mine). We live a great distance apart. In general, I can tell that although he wants a relationship, my son is, above all, just plain scared. It is understandable. I can only do the best thing I can think of - keep a positive, light approach, be friendly and reassuring - if I'm disappointed in anything, make it clear it is because of circumstances, not anything he is doing - and in general, try to put him at ease.
You are much further along in your journey, mine is just starting at this point. But I hope this can be of some help. I will not have the "serious conversation" with him, in person, for another few months. But I hope that for you, it will go well and put your daughter's mind at ease to be more relaxed with you, one-on-one.
Marie
Thank you wrking21, kakuehl and oldandnew. I have taken your advice and contacted her telling her I was disappointed we had to cancel and would like to reschedule after all these storms stop. (Will they ever??). I also told her I was looking forward to one on one and she responded favorably. I think what I'm going to do is just keep that meeting light and hope it will lead to more. If it does then I can have "the big talk". Thank you all for your words of encouragement!! I'm not alone!!
I'm glad it's working out for you! :) From reading through everything again just now, my feeling is the distance and closer relationship with your other daughter was due to her own insecurities about your relationship, rather than a grudge for taking a few weeks to initially respond. Let us know how it goes when you meet up one-on-one. :grouphug:
Things are going wonderfully! My daughter has been contacting me frequently during all these storms to make sure I'm ok. It seems once I stopped initiating the conversations she started. Maybe she was just used to me texting first. Now it's more of a back and forth thing which I am loving! I'm actually looking forward to getting together one on one and feel very comfortable about bringing it up to her. I'm thinking we were just in a rut and I was taking it the wrong way. It helped reading other peoples opinions and suggestions. You guys rock!!!
I'm glad things are going well! I have found that I can often assume what the other person is thinking when I really can't tell without a face to face conversation. It happens especially when my self-esteem is low that I get it wrong!
What a fantastic update. I'm thrilled to hear that it's going so well. I hope the weather breaks soon so you can have some face to face time with your daughter! Great read to start my day!
Since my last post everything has fallen apart. She asked me to do something that I was unable to do. If I was able to, I would have happily done it. Since then I have not heard from her. She has ignored my texts and I have given up. It was wonderful while it lasted and hopefully things will turn around in the future. If they don't at least I had the chance to reconnect with her and know where she is. The hardest part all those years was not even knowing if she was alive. At least I have that. Thank you to all who have supported me. Your support and advice mean so much to me. To all who are still searching I hope you find your loved one and no matter the outcome I hope you have peace.
I'm sorry things have changed. I encourage you not to close the door. Send her "thinking of you" notes occasionally, not expecting anything in return. This journey definitely has its ups and down. Feel free to pm me anytime if you ever want to talk.
I too am sorry to see that things have changed and aren't progressing like they were. Perhaps if you discuss what she asked that you were unable to do and why you were unable. Perhaps she just needs some additional details. Either way, I agree with the others, try not to "give up", try to keep the door open and the occasional "thinking of you" note may help her get over this block that's now up between you.
Either way I'm thinking of you both.