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So here goes my story. My brother was adopted along with our two younger sisters when he was 4 and they were 2 and 1. At the time I was 10. Now I'm 23, my brother is 18, and our two younger sisters are 16 and 15. After searching for months I made contact with their adopted mother when I was 18 thru a phone call. She seemed willing to tell me how they were doing, but tried to keep certain information from me and insisted that I didn't contact them in tell they were 18. I felt she was right in asking me not to contact them, so for about a year and a half I made occasional phone calls checking in on them. I started feeling uncomfortable talking to her on the phone so I decided to end contact with her. I went another 1-2 yrs without making contact. I've always wanted to meet my brother, so I decided I was going to play detective and see if I could find anything on him thru the web. I spent two years searching for him and didn't really find much of nothing. Now that he's 18, he has a Facebook. I have no ideal what to say to him, or how to say it. Any ideals? ( I'm 100% sure it's him)
That is hard. You have no idea where he is at in his readiness. He may be ready for contact from you. He may not be at all. I feel strongly that birth families should allow the adoptee to choose when they are ready for reunion, that the birth family should wait to be contacted (especially when information is known). But that doesn't really apply to situations like yours.
For my oldest two children, who were adopted at birth, and we have semi-open adoptions, I hope that their birth families will allow them the time to decide when they are ready for reunion. My youngest daughter, however, was adopted through foster care, and has older siblings. Even thought we have a closed adoption, for safety reasons, I fully expect them to show up on our doorstep on her 18th birthday. I wish she could be the one to choose the timing, but they have as much right as her to want reunion. It's not the same as adults who made choices. These are siblings, who are missing their baby sister. Unlike her older siblings, I cannot give her her personal info, and let her decide when she's ready. I have to help her be ready. I have to support her in whatever response/reunion she is ready for when they show up.
Your brother might be waiting for you to contact, especially if his mom told him you'd been asking about him. She probably expects it soon. And hopefully has prepared him. But maybe not. Maybe she didn't tell him. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he knows, but still isn't ready. You can't know until you ask. You can contact him directly. Or you can go through his mom again, so get a feel for how it may go. If you contact him directly, be direct and respectful. Let him know you are there, whenever he is ready. And allow him time if he isn't ready. It's not just your reunion, it's his, too.
Introduce yourself. Remember, even though you're brothers, and bonded forever, he doesn't know you personally. Tell him a little about yourself. Let him know what kind of contact you're interested in, but let him know you'll respect his wishes as well.
Good luck! What a stressful yet exciting time!
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