Talking to Foster Children about Adoption

January 14, 2015

I actually just attended a training on this very subject last month. Here is what they recommended for talking to someone who is old enough to engage in these discussions.

Now, I don't know your case or your foster son..... so this will be more general.

You say reunification is not an option...... why is that? (you don't have to tell me). They really emphasized that these types of conversations should be very gradual with no "decisions" made until TPR is granted. Even if you think it's a slam dunk that the parent(s)'s rights are going to be terminated and it looks like there is no family so you will get to adopt..... relatives will jump out of the woodwork and parents will sometimes have a miraculous turnaround once TPR goes on the table. Even if parents are incarcerated.... what if they are granted parole? it can happen.

Anyway - here are some things she talked about at the training:

Never ask if they want you to adopt them or set up "adoption" as the primary 'goal'. Instead, talk to them about the case. How their parent(s) are doing on their plan and what they have to accomplish. Let them know that they will continue to live with you while their parent is given the opportunity to work the case plan and rectify the situation that resulted in the child coming into care. This will give them a realistic perspective of the whole picture.

They recommend that the first several, on-going conversations about this would take place jointly with the caseworker or therapist, the child and the foster parents.

Don't initiate conversations about what will happen "if" their parent(s)'s rights are terminated. As a foster parent your job is to support reunification as the primary goal (even if you don't want to and even if it doesn't look likely). If the child asks what will happen, you can tell them that there are a bunch of "options" that they will be able to consider (you said "teenager" but didn't list his age..... obviously this conversation would be different with a 13 year old vs a 16 year old). You can say that the options are things that will be discussed by everyone and because of their age they will get to have a voice. If they are older and if they ask you can provide them with what all the options are, or you can say (what this trainer recommended) "you will live with us until it's time to talk about other options. Right now the goal is for your mom/dad to do what needs to be done so that they can be a stable, healthy parent etc."

If they want to know what the options are, you can list them...... depends on your state. Here older kids can be adopted or placed in a guardianship, stay in foster care, transitional-living etc. Emphasize there are benefits to each option and it's something you all will continue to talk about and explore so everyone can make a decision that is best for him.

You can agree to concurrent planning and be listed as a pre-adoptive placement without it meaning that it's a lock that you will "adopt" him. That just means you aren't saying "no" or that you're not willing to keep him in your home after parental rights are terminated.