We have an adopted daughter, "R" and she is 15. We are at the end of our rope. She entered into a treatment center in August to help us with defiance, disruption and self-harm. Here we are, 6 months later and we are not seeing any changes, in fact, quite the opposite. It is not safe for her to come home to our younger children at this point. We just need some sort of guidance and support. Is there such a forum? I know so many adoptions have been beautiful, ours feels like hell. Can anyone point us in the direction of a group that deals openly with this?
Red,
Our family has adopted many times and we have had beautiful adoptions as well as three that seemed 'from hell' as you say. We have had those times of intervention and dangerous behaviors, etc.
There is a forum here for 'disrupted' adoptions. I know there are other adoptive parents who have been in your shoes too. I understand there is also a private Facebook forum that's listed in the 'disrupted' forum here.
I will be glad to offer advice if you'd like. Disruption and/or dissolution of adoption is one of 'adoption's dirty secrets' and yes, it's often very misunderstood. But the fact is, some agencies are unscrupulous enough to fraudulently present the issues some older children have and without this info, families cannot make good choices as to what behaviors they can deal with and which ones may not be safe around other younger children. It's so easy for others to judge when they've never been in these shoes; and yes, dissolution was the LAST thing we ever wanted or thought we'd deal with when bringing our children home.
But, all of this exists and horrible things can happen to families when keeping dangerous children in our homes---adopted or biological.
Please know help is available for your family and the child, individually, and yes, feel free to pm me if you need to.
Sincerely,
Linny
Linny, thank you so much. I thought I might have appeared to be crazy! Where can I find these "disrupted" forums? I don't know what route we will go, I have sadly put her first for so long thinking that would help. Little did I realize I was jeopardizing my other children, my marriage and myself. Can you help point me in the right direction? Also, I'd PM you if I could, but this is my first time on this forum and I'm not even sure how to do so!
I'm not quite sure what could be misunderstood about a disrupted adoption. I'm thinking that the misunderstanding lies in the initial commitment brought to the table by the adoptive parents if this option is considered. Ever.
May I ask how old your 15-year-old daughter was when she was adopted? How long has she lived with you as part of your family?
Does the facility where your daughter is being treated have a Family Advocate? If so, I would strongly suggest talking to that person. They can be extremely helpful for providing both emotional support and resources that can help your family.
Linny, I'm not positive, but I don't think the original poster means disruption of the adoption and subsequent re-homing.
Red
She entered into a treatment center in August to help us with defiance, disruption and self-harm.
I *think* Red is saying that the daughter is in treatment for her defiance, self-harm, and disruptive behavior? I think she's looking for support for having a mentally ill child in treatment, rather than wanting to dissolve the child's adoption.
RavenSong
Linny, I'm not positive, but I don't think the original poster means disruption of the adoption and subsequent re-homing.
I *think* Red is saying that the daughter is in treatment for her defiance, self-harm, and disruptive behavior? I think she's looking for support for having a mentally ill child in treatment, rather than wanting to dissolve the child's adoption.
Thank you, Raven. I may have misunderstood her, but I also think visiting the 'disruption' forum may help as well. Not everyone who's visited that forum has actually disrupted the adoption, but have usually found themselves dealing with behaviors that are far beyond disturbed and/or usual, KWIM? I guess I went with her words of feeling she was 'at the end of her rope'. I'm hoping, Red, that you'll be able to find some support in some way to help in your situation.
As well, it's a good point to talk with the counselors at the facility. (I'm guessing this is something you've been doing all along anyway??) They should be able to tell you if your daughter is safe enough to herself and others to have in a traditional home, etc. Good luck.....
Sincerely,
Linny