Coercion

Quote from "do adoptive families respect birthmothers" Being "one of the most loving, unselfish and caring individuals on the planet" apparently doesn't translate to that wondrous individual being considered good enough to be worthy of parenting their own child. In fact, according to "adopted person, Jeremy" listed elsewhere: Presumably he's imagining a hellish existence because apparently that is the only outcome when those very same "loving, unselfish and caring individuals" don't go ahead with their adoption plans.. Don't people ever realise that in the rush to praise bmothers for their decision, they may be insulting them? My bmom is dead but I couldn't imagine saying to my brelatives "If it wasn't for X's sacrifice, there is no telling where I'd be". My relatives would feel insulted because 1) it is insulting their much loved relative (my bmom) and 2) it is insulting them because presumably I would have grown up knowing them. One of my bmom's cousins actually almost relinquished her child (out of fear) but her parents found out and she was brought home. She has now been married for over 40 years with 2 children and I can't imagine that the daughter would wish she was anywhere else but with them.

Btw I hope my above post came out the way it was supposed to. It might sound as if I am judging my own bmother for making the decision she did. The following is what I said in an email once to my bmother's host family and, years later, I might only change it slightly: The only thing I might change is to make it clear that WHATEVER decision she made, whether to raise me or adopt me out, would have been a difficult and loving decision - i.e. I think she was a good and loving person in herself - I don't define her love by her specific decision.

Which is part of the coercion because the industry relies on the idea that we will be able to have more kids "when we are ready". Is anyone ever really ready to be a parent? I'm pretty sure that even adoptive parents aren't entirely ready for the change that kids bring. My halo is made of rusty hangers by the way and I have a broken wing from crash landing.

Raven, your (sarcastic) comment of dreaming of placing your firstborn reminded me of a recurring dream I had over the years of giving birth and placing another child. It happened after I had my other two children and probably was because I wanted more children and my husband didn't. Occasionally, I would wake confused and wonder how many children I had placed! One thing I learned long ago -- even if you have other children, your arms are forever empty. More children do not replace the one you lost.

Kathy, that seems to be a common dream for many of us. I've had it several times and always wake up totally confused for a moment or two. The other dream I've had a few times is one in which I have a second child I have entrusted to to a very close friend of mine who died back in 1986. They're both together in the afterlife. The first time I had the dream, it left me feeling very unsettled. :eek:

This is a great thread. But should there be a whole separate group on the forums for supporting mothers who chose to parent? Would that maybe help counter some of the coercion? So it would be, for example, for pregnant women and post partum moms who made an adoption plan initially, then chose to parent instead (and others posting solely to support their decision). Some of the disrespect on the forums astounds me. On one recent thread on babycenter, a woman asked if she it was selfish to choose adoption, then on page 7 of replies decided to keep her baby. Several replies immediately after that one begged this stranger to "please" give her baby up instead!? What?? She didn't state any facts that would lead a stranger to beg her to do that. It was downright bizarre.The thing that got me even more than that was that of the thousands of people on that site no one pointed out to those posters how odd it is to beg some stranger to give her baby away to some other stranger because please, you want her to do it. On that site I have on my automatic signature a link to a grassroots group that helps women stay with their babies and when I posted a totally unrelated post, someone came back and said "that is a very hurtful link in your signature line, this is no place for anti-adoption". I'm not even going to humor that with a response.