Coercion

Even after reading all the threads on here I had hope for agencies to act ethically. One of our local agencies, which is not adoption specific, was recently looking for a new therapist, and I thought I might be a good fit both as a AP without the rosy picture of adoption, believing people should be informed and have free choice, having bparents friends, and having friends, family, and having had a number of patients who are adoptees. The Ad talked about truly helping women consider all of their options and maintaining "the highest ethical standards." When they showed me the job description, it said straight out that my job would be to ensure the completion of the adoptions. Even though I know coercion is common, I was very disappointed to see this so blatantly. (Needless to say, I am not working there)

Beatrice, Thanks for posting the link to the article. Yikes. Lets start at the beginning. Talk about using a voice that speaks in absolutes. "ALL girls are born with the same dreams" but when crushed with infertility problems they need to turn to "you the birthmom" to make their dreams come true... So ALL girl's dreams means those with the money to pay 30-50K to an agency...apparently the dreams of the woman in crisis don't count. The next part is fantastic...apparently every adoptive parent is EXACTLY the same, because of their painful and expensive journey, they will ALL put the child on the highest pedestal with never a hint of challenges...of course ALL adoptive parents will put a priority on education, vacation and celebration (last word added by me because I like rhythm). What does this say to the woman considering adoption? YOU are NOT good enough. See what these fantastic people can give that you can't? So much more... And then we get into the typical buzz words designed to give the expectant mother redemption. If she hands over her child she's heroic. She's selfless. She's courageous. She's loving. This stuff resonates with a woman in a crisis pregnancy. Lets face it...women don't typically take the most unnatural action known to womankind if she has strong self-esteem. And what does this language say to her if she chooses to parent? "You don't love your child enough to do the RIGHT thing. You are selfish, cowardly and weak." "You're in this situation because you're irresponsible; but look, see these people? They've been trying for years. They are deserving. They are the better, most loving choice." I want to stress that I am NOT implying that hopeful adoptive parents are putting themselves out there in this manner, but agencies, facilitators and the adoption business's...they do. It's one very effective method to get the very lucrative supply that is the lifeblood of their wealth. The title of the piece, sure doesn't match the content. I'm also exploring examples of how hopeful adoptive parents are coerced both financially and emotionally...stay tuned.

Getting "to know" potential adoptive leads to coercion because there are expectations that the mother knows these people and their emotions are wrapped up together. When I asked for my son back before I signed my rights over I was told I would hurt their feelings too much. My feelings were entirely irrelevant and that was a baby born situation, I can't imagine the pressure had I known them beforehand.

You summed that up well, Paige. There is another page on that website about "giving up an older child for adoption: [url=http://adoption-for-my-baby.com/how-to/older-child-adoption]Give An Older Child Up For Adoption | Adoption for my Baby[/url] They note that: and then further down say: And, yes, you guessed it, adoption is the answer. Now, I know there will be those that say "but sometimes adoption is the only answer because there just aren't the resources for those with financial difficulties" If so, all I can is, what sort of society does one live in where adoption is the "only answer"? Are there resources but they are told that is selfish to consider taking advantage of them? On the other hand, are there are other resources that aren't available but there is no real pressing push to provide those resources because, hey, there is always adoption? It seems to me that many of those who aren't able to access resources are the "working poor" (which includes the young on low wages) who are often very proud. There is nothing wrong with temporarily accessing resources, that's what they are there for. Another thing I've found also is when reading agency websites is the difference between the "Pregnant" pages and the "Adopting Parents" pages. I think every emom considering adoption should read both pages and I think everyone considering adoption a child should also read both pages. Too often you get the "what a selfless loving thing you would be doing by choosing adoption" on the Pregnant pages and then you get the "we can get you a baby as quickly as possible and we will make sure that our bparents stay committed to the adoption plan so that you don't suffer". The websites can also send "mixed messages". For example, going back to the link in your first post, on one page they say this: and then on the "adopting parents", they say this: Of course, they don't mention that the reason the eparents "don't want to parent" is that by the end of their counselling, the eparents may end up feeling that "wanting to parent" is being the selfish option.

My adoptive parents must not have received a copy of that worksheet, because they didn't provide any of the 11 items listed. ;) And, yes, people DO post here offering to adopt the babies of women who post here while struggling to reach a decision. I've seen the posts and reported the posts; thankfully, they've all been deleted. I understand that there are people desperate to be parents, but trying to get a baby like that is an especially ugly way of going about it. .

The following are excerpts from a post on an adoption lawyers site (I've deliberately removed the name): "As you know, one of the most difficult aspects of private placement adoption is the fact that birth mothers can change their minds after the birth of the baby." ........ "XX and her staff do everything possible to strengthen the birth mother's level of commitment. ............ "XX and her staff use various strategies to emphasize the miracle of adoption to birth mothers not only in the beginning of the process but throughout their entire journey. Social work/counseling, bonding with the family, and close contact and hand-holding during pregnancy buttress the birth mother's convinction that her original decision was not only correct, but self-less and admirable." ........... "..........during those critical moments when their emotions were intense both immediately prior to birth and after the birth, the social worker helped the birth mother to validate their personal reasons for placing for adoption and assisted them in remaining focused on the Intended Adoption Plan they had formed with the adoptive family. " .................... "Further strategies were utilized with each of these women. XX proudly and humbly prides herself on these strategies, including the strategy that allows each woman to bond with her chosen adoptive family during her pregnancy. Each woman bonded successfully through the help of communication with the adoptive family through text, telephone, and in-person meetings. The birth moms got to know, understand, and value their chosen adoptive families. This bonding enabled them to feel that their unplanned pregnancies were indeed purposeful. Moreover, the bonding enabled the birth mothers to feel that by placing for adoption, they were fulfilling G-d's plan to place their babies with these incredible families." .................. "Finally, XX and staff provided the birth mother with constant hand-holding and care. ....... was also there to constantly remind these selfless and courageous women that their decisions to place for adoption and the care and love they were showing their babies was nothing short of miraculous. " ................. "Conclusively, all of the above strategies, and, of course, G-d's hand, contributed to the successful outcome of these placements. XX encourages her waiting adoptive families to know and feel in their hearts that their babies are on their way!"

I was reading the "Birthmother, Good mother" tract by Charles Kenny In regards to this bit: I had 2 thoughts 1) One can understand that the above are likely to contributet to many expectant mothers decision to CONSIDER adoption but a good unbiased social worker would do their best to try to address and allay what concerns they can. It may well end up being that somethings can't be overcome and adoption may end up being the choice but, from reading bmother blogs of all kinds, it seems that for many, the fears and concerns have been exploited rather than addressed. 2) One more cynically wonders whether for many expectant mothers receiving options counsellling (because a lot of the coercion takes place long before the emom contacts an agency), they were far less fearful BEFORE their "counselling" than afterwards. There is also the "redemption angle": and encouragement of disassociation:

So this is what gets me then.... if we are all born with the same dreams... aren't all women that are able to conceive born with the dream to be a "birthmom"? I know I certainly dreamed of losing my only child to adoption. I know I dreamed of the pain and misery it has caused for me. I know I dreamed of causing a child damage because I severed my relationship with him. Yep, those are all dreams I had. Oh yeah, I also dreamed that I'd experience secondary infertility and NEVER get the chance to be a mom. I dreamed that when my brothers started having kids I'd be the one that had to attend all kinds of crap for them, but I can barely get my folks to stop on their way through to see the grandkids. I dreamed that I'd have to fight with my family for years to get them to recognize that my son is their grandchild and nephew.... I can go on and on about all those dreams I had. I can tell you that I NEVER dreamed that I'd end up in a courtroom being asked by a judge if I was coerced and having to say no because the entities that were coercing me were on either side of me.

Oh, I don't know, Belle -- since we're all so "selfless, brave, and courageous," maybe we were born to be saints or martyrs. :arrow: Seriously, I hear you. When I was a little girl playing house with my friends, I certainly didn't dream of giving my newborn son away to strangers some fine day. I know darn well that I never dreamt of never being able to have another child due to secondary infertility. :(

Quote from "do adoptive families respect birthmothers" Being "one of the most loving, unselfish and caring individuals on the planet" apparently doesn't translate to that wondrous individual being considered good enough to be worthy of parenting their own child. In fact, according to "adopted person, Jeremy" listed elsewhere: Presumably he's imagining a hellish existence because apparently that is the only outcome when those very same "loving, unselfish and caring individuals" don't go ahead with their adoption plans.. Don't people ever realise that in the rush to praise bmothers for their decision, they may be insulting them? My bmom is dead but I couldn't imagine saying to my brelatives "If it wasn't for X's sacrifice, there is no telling where I'd be". My relatives would feel insulted because 1) it is insulting their much loved relative (my bmom) and 2) it is insulting them because presumably I would have grown up knowing them. One of my bmom's cousins actually almost relinquished her child (out of fear) but her parents found out and she was brought home. She has now been married for over 40 years with 2 children and I can't imagine that the daughter would wish she was anywhere else but with them.

Btw I hope my above post came out the way it was supposed to. It might sound as if I am judging my own bmother for making the decision she did. The following is what I said in an email once to my bmother's host family and, years later, I might only change it slightly: The only thing I might change is to make it clear that WHATEVER decision she made, whether to raise me or adopt me out, would have been a difficult and loving decision - i.e. I think she was a good and loving person in herself - I don't define her love by her specific decision.

Which is part of the coercion because the industry relies on the idea that we will be able to have more kids "when we are ready". Is anyone ever really ready to be a parent? I'm pretty sure that even adoptive parents aren't entirely ready for the change that kids bring. My halo is made of rusty hangers by the way and I have a broken wing from crash landing.

Raven, your (sarcastic) comment of dreaming of placing your firstborn reminded me of a recurring dream I had over the years of giving birth and placing another child. It happened after I had my other two children and probably was because I wanted more children and my husband didn't. Occasionally, I would wake confused and wonder how many children I had placed! One thing I learned long ago -- even if you have other children, your arms are forever empty. More children do not replace the one you lost.

Kathy, that seems to be a common dream for many of us. I've had it several times and always wake up totally confused for a moment or two. The other dream I've had a few times is one in which I have a second child I have entrusted to to a very close friend of mine who died back in 1986. They're both together in the afterlife. The first time I had the dream, it left me feeling very unsettled. :eek:

This is a great thread. But should there be a whole separate group on the forums for supporting mothers who chose to parent? Would that maybe help counter some of the coercion? So it would be, for example, for pregnant women and post partum moms who made an adoption plan initially, then chose to parent instead (and others posting solely to support their decision). Some of the disrespect on the forums astounds me. On one recent thread on babycenter, a woman asked if she it was selfish to choose adoption, then on page 7 of replies decided to keep her baby. Several replies immediately after that one begged this stranger to "please" give her baby up instead!? What?? She didn't state any facts that would lead a stranger to beg her to do that. It was downright bizarre.The thing that got me even more than that was that of the thousands of people on that site no one pointed out to those posters how odd it is to beg some stranger to give her baby away to some other stranger because please, you want her to do it. On that site I have on my automatic signature a link to a grassroots group that helps women stay with their babies and when I posted a totally unrelated post, someone came back and said "that is a very hurtful link in your signature line, this is no place for anti-adoption". I'm not even going to humor that with a response.