confused grandparents

Our daughter and her hubby, have 2 adopted babies, ages 2 1/2 and 10 months, both babies were adopted at birth and both are open, in-state, adoptions. Our daughter feels more obligation to the b-parents than she does to us ... she actually referred to them as 'their parents' in a conversation we had recently about the kids. she stated that she feels more obligated to make 3 hour trips to see 'their parents' at their beck and call, than she does a to make a 20 minute drive to our home or to visit other family members. I need some input here. What can I do to help her realize those are HER BABIES ? She works full time and I honestly don't feel she has had the time to fully bond with either of them. Am I wrong in feeling hurt and confused about this? Thank you for ANY input you can offer! I want to understand.

Adoptee here raised in a closed adoption but by parents who were open-hearted. As an adoptee I had two mothers and two fathers - that is what being adopted means, no amount of pretending the other set doesn't exist removes them from the heart of the child, or the other parents mind. I had mom and dad and a mother and father - despite never meeting my mother and father they have always existed and were real. So your daughter is correct that they are her children's other parents, they just don't parent the children, that's your daughter (and son-in-law) job and role. They are the mom and dad and are there day in, and day out, and are teaching your grandchildren right from wrong, instilling their moral compass to help guide the children in proper decision making. They are also the mom and dad who stay up nights, take them to the park, watched them take their first steps and their first boo-boos. They are also mom and dad because your grandchildren's other set of parents made a decision that the kids would have a stable life and chose an open-adoption (not a closed adoption). Your daughter and her husband agree to the open adoption and that does create an obligation to honor their word, which I suspect you taught her to do. Would you have her break her word of promising to have an open adoption? So yes, she has an obligation to honor her word on staying in touch and creating an atmosphere where two families want the best for the little ones which all things being equal is openness. You don't say how often she visits the children's family by birth, just that it is at their beck and call. I would assume it is based on an agreed number of visits while the children are small and not involved with school and after school activities, it also sets the tone and the reality that the kids will never have to not have memories of their other parents, it will be their norm - not something awkward like at the age of 8 trying to meet your other set of parents with everyone watching, it will just be part of who they are. If it is a three hour drive of course they are going to schedule visits when it works with both families schedules - because of the distance. I can't tell you how it is to be in an open adoption. I can tell you how hard it was to never know who they were, not a picture or even a name, nor nationality, age, what they did, what they liked, whose nose I got, eyes, dimples, laugh, sense of humor, coloring, hair coloring, talents and everything else I haven't listed that everyone else by being non-adopted always knows. I might as well have been born in a cabbage patch or dropped by the stork. I suddenly just existed at the ripe old age of 2-3 months. I was 45 before I saw a picture of the two people who are responsible for my very existence. If you have not experienced that - no amount of trying to describe what it is like can ever explain except to say it is a hole inside and pain. Now to the way mom and dad were - even though in my case there was no information than a couple of sentences - they called my mother and father - my mother and father, they were real people to them. When my sibling really needed a face to face they made that happened and continued the openness to this day (well mom does, dad passed away seeing as he'd be 100 now) - so they were from probably your parents generation and understood the benefits of never having too much family. They also did NOT feel insecure in who they were, which was mom and dad and still are all these years later. I would ask you to dig deep and ask why them coming to see you is the problem. Are you causing part of the problem? Is your attitude on open adoption a problem? Can you solve it by going to see them? Having the kids over to give them a break? You also live 20 minutes away - could you pop in on your way to pick up milk (even if you have plenty of milk) and stay for 10-20 minutes a couple of times a week? I saw my grandma every single day, often for only 10 minutes at a time because she lived very close - that time spent is still part of my most cherished memories half a century later - because - it was consistent and frequent. Grandma was pretty wise in getting along and limited her time because she always wanted to be welcome, and not demanding, and ensuring mom and dad had space to raise us their way without interference. You have that opportunity to create that type of relationship with your grandchildren that I had which means just mentioning this I have waves of memories flooding me, she also taught me valuable life lessons and we did spent longer periods of time together, like making ginger-snaps when I was old enough. What I'm trying to share is you have the ability right at your finger tips - don't waste it. If your daughter hasn't bonded after 30 months - closing an adoption isn't going to fix it - you helping her have additional time may help. My guess is that she has embraced being an adoptive parent in an open adoption and gets just as much out of it as your grandchildren do. Pick up the book - the name may be incomplete/incorrect but googling it should be easy: The open-hearted way to adoption by Lori Holden. You might be surprised to find out how beneficial open adoptions are for the entire family, you included. Kind regards, Dickons PS - start being open, summer is coming and perhaps inviting them ALL to a bbq might just be the thing to make you less afraid of openness...

we have invited them to our home for dinners, to meet us places to eat or just get together, family gatherings (including most recently, the babies great grandmothers 98th birthday gathering), we encourage them to go out and let us watch the babies, we stop by their home every chance we can. They always have an excuse. We have reached out in many ways. I'm at a loss. My birthday is this weekend, I pray that they will take a few minutes and come see us. We raised a loving family so we are really hurting and feel left out of their lives.

So this isn't really about the open adoption, your concern about your daughter not bonding because there is another mom. This is about them not paying enough attention to you. Have you asked them what it is that you said, or did to cause the rift? That's my guess and if I am correct - then you need to own that you said something wrong, apologise and make amends. My guess is that you said something negative about adoption, open adoption or the kids other parents. Or perhaps all three. If you have other grandchildren do you treat your adopted grandchildren the same? Have you said anything that could be taken as not supportive? Kind regards, Dickons

I agree with Dickons. This isn't about the biological family. It's about your relationship with your daughter. If you're trying to connect with her in various ways and she just gives excuses for not seeing you, the issue is with your relationship. How long has this disconnect existed? Has it existed for 2.5 years (the age of her eldest child)? Did it exist before she adopted, or was this a more recent happening? You need to have an honest discussion with her. You need to be straightfoward and aske what you did or said to upset her to the point that she has virtually excluded you from her life.

Double post

I read this thread last night and had the same reaction that Dickons and L4R did...but was hesitant to say anything. I agree with them in that it sounds like the real problem here is not with your grandchildren's first parents. Rather, it sounds like the problem is your own relationship with your daughter. I can tell you feel hurt...snubbed...ignored. And I know it doesn't help to hear that this sort of thing happens all the time when kids grow up and leave the nest. Maybe you should have a heart-to-heart discussion with your daughter about how you're feeling. She may not even realize that you feel left out lately.

It's good she taking the extra effort to make sure her babies have a good relationship with their first parents. Maybe that will help her babies as they grow, become stable adults. Maybe their first parents have became good friends with your daughter and her hubby. I think you need to leave her alone about them being her baby. She know they are hers, but want the first parents in their lives. Maybe you upset her about your lack of concerns about their first mom. Or maybe it's something else. I think you need to work on your relationship, even if it manly by phone. And stop trying to help her relies anything about her babies.