things were great until....

Thank you for your response. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of issues did you two have during those years when you were communicating? I think my son and I are struggling because he can open up to me and tell me what he is really thinking and/or feeling so I have no idea what he wants or if he wants anything. I, on the other hand, opened my heart up completely, for the first time since he was born, and told him my every thought and feeling. He tends to send me texts that are random or hurtful, which leads me to beleive he is angry and trying to express something but is not telling me exactly what it is. Since I have allowed him his space to figure out what he wants, I have decided I would just text him a red heart emoji every night at 10PM to let him know that I have not gone away and I love him. When we first met I asked him if he had emojis, but he said he had no storage on his phone for it. The other night when I texted him his red heart he responded with a red heart. Just that little gesture gave me such great hope that we have a chance. Love just poured through me.

lgnanny, I don't mind you asking at all! Of course times were different then, we didn't have internet yet and communication required a lot more effort, not that we both weren't able to, but it was more difficult. The reunion was incredibly emotional for me and her. When people ask about it, I try to explain it is the craziest feeling, you look at someone that you feel as if should know your every emotion and every thought, but they are a stranger. It wasn't until months after we met that I realized in some ways I was very angry at her. The anger was so difficult for me to express in any way, I didn't want to push her away and I feared abandonment again. I felt her guilt but I was suffering because I had tucked away my anger the best I could and while in some insane way I wanted her to express that guilt, I felt I was always just waiting for it so I could tell her how mad I was. Emotional warfare. My only requirement for a relationship was honesty. I told her I didn't care what the story was, I just wanted her honesty. But deep inside I wanted to feel like she took "responsibility for her choice". I did not have a good adoptive home at all. She did feel guilt and I believe anger too. It was important to me to find ALL of my birth family, but because she so feared my birth father she wanted no part in helping me on that end. She initially lied to my birth father telling him I had died. She had even told some of her family that and had a best friend who had gone through a surrogacy pregnancy and had never said one word about me to her. When the newness of the reunion waned, neither of us were sure how to react to each other. For example: I was married and it was not a good marriage. I felt I had no way out and was tolerating the bad situation, but she was flexing her "new" mother role and talking to me as though she was my mother and I should do whatever she felt was right. We both needed things to slow down so that we could define our roles in each others lives better, but the desire to "fix" everything was so strong for both of us that we were rushing to shove those guilt and angry feelings as deep as we could get them. I was jealous of her relationship with my half brothers wife to be, she was angry that I wouldn't just leave my husband and move to Maine to be with her. Defining those rules while in the midst of so many conflicting emotions made it almost impossible for us to come together honestly. She finally gave me the information to locate my birth father, and almost immediately after that our relationship fell apart. My opinion was that she was so terrified of him and what he might say or do that she held that information from me until she was ready to ease out of my life again. By the same token, I think it was incredibly painful for her to talk to me, see me and watch me, bringing up all that fear and guilt every single time. Hope this helps some.

Adoption Realities, Thank you for your input. You have been on one emotional roller coaster with your adoption reunion. Have you tried to reach back out to your bmom to see if you can work things out? Do you currently have a relationship with your bdad? You mentioned that when you met your bmom that you viewed her as a stranger. I thought that when my son and I met that we would be like friends meeting up after a long time and we would talk and have some laughs and that I would feel the same as I had felt for over 36 years, but the minute I saw him I realized that those feeling I thought were real for the last 36 years were not what I was really feeling. The real feeling were pushed way down deep and they all started coming out. I did not see a stranger when I looked at him I saw myself and I never loved anyone any more than I loved my son at that very moment and I wanted to hold him and never let him go. I asked him if I am what he had imagined all these years and he said yes and so much more:)) He said he loved me all the time during the first few meeting but then other feelings started to surface. At first I just let him say hurtful things, which never had anything to do with anything. It was just childish banter to engage me so he can say hurtful things and then I started to say mean things back. Nothing that he has said to me sounds like it is what is really going on inside him. How can I get him to say the things he is really feeling?

It has been an emotional roller coaster for sure! Have I tried to reach out again? I did for a few years, but not any longer. She made it clear about 5-6 years ago that she didn't want me to contact her again. My bdad is a whole nother roller coaster. The quick answer is no, no relationship with him whatsoever. In fact I often wonder if I deal with relationship issues much like my bmom. I seem to be able to completely eliminate ANYONE from my life without much drama. My bdad appeared to be a good fit early on, but his behavior after meeting made things incredibly uncomfortable for me. The quick story is after I divorced my bdad decided he should move to my area. Both of my bparents lived 10 states away from me so this was a dramatic move. I explained he was welcome to come, but I had a tiny home and not much room. Shortly after moving here and me finding him a job he determined we needed a larger place to live so we found one. I was by then an Adoptive mom myself and was terrified of increasing monthly expenses at the time. He swore he was here for the long haul and I trusted him. Within 4 months I heard rumor from a relative who was calling for him that he had plans to leave and head back home. I confronted him explaining I couldn't afford the bills of this new home and if he had intentions of leaving I needed to know immediately. He swore that wasn't the case and he "would never do that to me". Two months later at breakfast he told me he was leaving in four days. He not only left but hadn't paid the bills he told me he was paying so finances became INSANELY problematic right away. He stole work uniforms and of course left no forwarding information with his job. They came after me, looking for him. Several years later I did contact him on Facebook wondering if he had realized how terribly he had left the situation. We met for dinner one day and he began communication on Facebook on a regular basis. Then one weekend while I was terribly sick, vomiting and feeling horrendous he called and wanted to visit. I told him it wasn't a good time. He literally showed up anyway. To me that was such a violation of my boundaries, after I had asked him not to come. I mean it isn't like he lives near me, 10 states away and he doesn't make arrangements until he is 15 min away? I haven't spoken to him since and don't intend to. Regarding my statement about being a stranger. Yes, I looked just like my bmom, we had the same living room set, we had the same very unusual dishes, but I had no clue WHO she was. She was guarded at first and the whole reunion was a bit like a honeymoon period for both of us. But in reality I couldn't predict how she felt, what she had been through, how she could tell people I had died, how her two sons had never been told, why she chose adoption in the first place. So many things I didn't understand and I realized although we had a kinship and had begun building a relationship it was odd. When she invited me to her house the first time I was nervous. It felt like I was walking into a strangers home. I think when the honeymoon effect of the reunion wears off, the stages of grief become prevalent. Adoptees have to grieve the relationship they never had. Even if things were great at Adoptive home, you have to grieve the loss of that connection so early in your life. One of the first things I realized was I was afraid to trust her. While it wasn't a conscious decision at the time, I truly thought if she got angry at me she would abandon me again! I wonder if I allowed the details of my childhood (which were horrid) to be "out there" some in an effort to "make her pay" emotionally for giving me up. None of this was a conscious decision on my part, and while I was so afraid of losing her again - if it was going to happen it needed to happen before I determined I really loved her. Hope that makes a bit of sense.

Adoption realities, You are making this a lot clearer for me to understand, thank you. First of all, OMG about your bdad. That defitinitly did not help all the emotions you were already having about the adoption. Second, your afamily sounds like an unhealthy one and I am so sorry you had to go through that as a child. Third, did you ever end up loving your bmom, and what about her sons, do you keep in contact with them? Back to the anger and abandoment issues. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get my son to talk about these emotions in a healthy way. I hope he knows by now that no matter what I am not going anywhere because he has been pushing my bottons for months and I am still here loving and supporting him. I have asked him several times if he wants a relationship with me, but he never answers me except once in the begiing he said "That is not even a question". I kind of wish that I was dealing with a daughter because feales seem to express their emotions better then males. It is like pulling teeth to get anything out of him. Plus everytime he gets mad at me he runs off to Tahoe for a couple weeks and snowboards and fishes. He said that his adoptive life was great but both his aparents are deceased and he disowned his asister for giving me his phone number so he really doesnt have any family here but me and my family. Do you have any idea what he might be thinking and going through?

Just my opinion but I believe he is trying hard to tell you he needs small doses. He is showing you he doesn't trust you yet. I wouldn't have either. Give him time and space and yet don't disappear. A tight line if you ask me. I wanted to be sure I could say anything and she wouldn't just disappear, again. I know I couldn't possibly remember the first disappearance, but I also know that the fear of losing what found was terrifying also. Discussing feelings for many men is just not natural. To have those emotions tied up in a person he loves but can't emotionally afford to lose again is torture. My personal advice? Stop talking emotions! Maybe if you focus on starting a new relationship with someone you don't know that well, it will slowly improve. Just understand the roller coaster of emotion an Adoptee feels during reunion makes it hard to focus and you really can't describe how you feel. There is no comparison. I believe nothing in life prepares you for reunion. The natural method of protecting yourself suddenly fails because the innate abandonment and anger is slightly below the surface yet you want nothing more than everyone to be happy and this to work out.

Adoption realities, I really wish I would have read your message before I taked to my son this morning. He texted me worried that I was going to have a conversation with his girlfriend without him so he made up this big elaborate story about me lying to him and him not being able to trust me. I think he is really threatened by my relationship with his a-sister and has asked me to block her from my life because he has diswoned her. His sister was the one who originally found me before he did which pissed him off and then we stayed friends after that. I did finally block her from my phone and FB at his request but she texted me from her husbands phone all this stuff about my son, which I asked him about and he came unglued and we had a nasty texting battle. His girlfriend and I decided to get together and talk because he keeps telling me to talk to people who really know him and not his sister, but then he freaked out when he found out I was going to talk to his GF. I finally said I was done after he told me that everything he has told me since we met was a lie and he insisted I lied to him about everything as well, which I never did. He has real big trust issues it seems like. I told him that if he has anything at all that he needs to tell me he better do it now because I am going to block him and his entire family. He went on and on and on about a bunch of nonsense and then I said "are we done now?" and he stopped texting me, which leads me to believe he has more to say, but not today. I do not want anhealthy relationship with my son and it never seems to be healthy. How long do I have to take his abuse?

In my opinion talking to ANYONE he knows other than him is a problem. When I had "trust issues" I would have freaked out also. My feelings on the matter are, that any part of this adoption or reunion are yours and mine story not anyone else. He may be sharing tidbits about his life with you to see how you accept his life and him. This is a very personal thing and to think you are addressing his family or friends and not him in the time he is giving you would demonstrate you are not as trustworthy as you say you are. When someone feels they have to verify the information by asking someone else, it feels like you are accusing them of lying or not being totally honest. Small doses remember? He may be more willing to talk in his own time. Right now you are tearing down all of his support systems. Since he doesn't trust you yet, it hurts to find out you are talking to the people he does trust. I tried to paint a somewhat rosy picture of my adoptive life, but had real problems with myself cause I was demanding honesty but knew I wasn't giving it. It was a double edged sword of course because what my bmom needed to hear was that she had done the right thing and what I was doing was trying to prevent her from feeling so guilt ridden that she disappeared. If she had gone to relatives of mine or friends, she might have discovered things that hurt me deeply because my friends and family of course knew the truth. You don't have to take abuse, but you have to understand how your actions are allowing this anger to boil up and take over your relationship. I believe that if you back off and let him tell you tidbits of himself you can both eventually build a good relationship, but it isn't going to be a fast one. It is way to complicated to expect that he will wrap his arms around you and accept you as his confidant and friend when he feels that you might disappear or get angry with him and never want to talk to him again. His story is his story to share, no one elses. Even if it isn't the all out total truth at first, if you want the relationship give him time and space and let him come to you.

Dear Adoption Realities, That last post was like I was getting a post from my son. I think you are spot on with what you are telling me. I do rush into everything wanting to clean it up and store it into a nice little box. I am not a very patient person and when I don't get what I want right away I find other avenues to get what I want. I do want my son , but it seems as though I need to change my appraoch. I think he has been telling me exactly what you are telling me all along but I just wanted to do it my way because it seemed faster. I will try your appraoch. Thank you so very much.

I sense I hit a nerve, and I certainly didn't mean to, it is just so hard to come at this from any other perspective than my own. It has been 22 years since my reunion, I see now the mistakes we all made, but I also know that it can be successful! Your son is about my age, and I for one know that growing up my adoption story was told by everyone around me, never involving me. When you are constantly talked "about" but not to it makes for a rear view full of furtive glances, pity and loss of identity. Many adoptees I've met say they reunify to learn their history at first, but they stay around because they want to see how the story goes. There is something very fulfilling about knowing the truth, instead of what the rumor mill chose to broadcast about you. I am a very private person in my real life. I don't tolerate gossip if I can help it. It hurts to be the subject of conversations you never get to participate in. Now that the initial meeting is over, it is important to develop a level of trust that he has never experienced. I'm not saying he had a bad childhood at all, but his story is his. A few years after my reunion my adopted brother was also contacted by his birth family in a very public way, his family had found him through a researcher for a TV show. He was a middle child in his birth family and the only boy. His mother was pressured into giving him up by his birth father. They already had two daughters and he simply didn't want three kids. They stayed married for many more years and in fact had two more kids after him. They kept all four, but not him. His birth mother contacted me and wanted to know about him. Not only was I furious that this person decided to go around him to get to me about him, but I truly didn't understand how he was so accepting of the circumstances, but it wasn't my story to tell and it wasn't my decision to accept them as he has. I have since spoken to them a few times, but ALWAYS talked to my brother first and immediately afterwards. I never want to violate that trust we have built. I don't think it is an awesome relationship, but I know my brother is accepting of them which to me means, all is good. Just understand this is not meant to be resolved in a few weeks. It isn't like internet dating. It is more like you adopting him now. It will take time to learn about this adult man that you feel love for but don't truly know. He will come around but only if you slow down. When he trusts you, you will know. I hope I'm not too harsh.

I am happy that you are explaining this to me. I deal with peoples issues and and give them advice daily, but it is harder when your the patient. When I last talked to him yesterday I basically said I was done with our unhealthy relationship. Do you think that he will still try to reach out to me or do you think that he might be done too? Did you and your mother go back and forth for awhile before it finally ended? I am scared that I will never see him again, but I am always the one who apoligizes every time we have a dissagreeement and I think if I apoligize again he will continue his bad behavior. I guess, like you have said, only time will tell. Thank you for all your advice, it has been extremely helpful and I am sorry that your reunion didn't work out. I wish I would have learned more and would have been more prepared before we found each other because I keep making stupid mistakes.

We absolutely did go round and round. Give it a few days and then send him a thinking of you message maybe by text. Open the door but don't engage. Just see where he takes it. If he doesn't answer then give it a little more time before you text or email again. No need to apologize. I was told one time that most Adoptees handle reunions at about a 14 yr old level, and so far I believe it. If you apologize constantly you are making it sound as though you are doing things intentionally. Maybe an easier way to respond would be to explain this is all new to you too and honestly it will take a bit to figure out the best way to start a healthy relationship. That is why I always try to explain my reunion as though I felt like I was meeting a stranger. I had no way to know how either of us would react because the whole situation was foreign. I know there are books, but really? It is like going to a foreign country and not knowing the language or customs and seeing a murder, who do you call? What do you say? How do you respond? Hope that makes sense.

Is there a way to private message?

Feel free to give me a call. (336) 442 dash 7324.

Hi adoption realities, It is me again. So I haven't talked to my son since his angry texts to me and me threatening to block him out of my life because of his verbal abuse and lying. I did text him after 5 days to let him know that I understood that I angered him by talking to his sister and that I should have listened to him from day one and respected his wishes by not talking to his sister. I told him that it is not her story to tell me but his. He did not reply. I sent him a text 2 days later saying the saddest thing about a mother/son rejecting each other is that we are the only people in this world who can share the pain of our separation and we have the ability to complete one another. I also let him know that I am still here for him when he is ready and that I love him unconditionally. I have no idea what is going through his head or if he ever wants to see me again. I just don't understand how come he hates me so much.