Made Contact via Letter. Now what?

Hi & thanks for your input. I actually have not yet met my birth father, just spoke to him at length on the phone. I was able to figure out who he was and then got a phone number for him. My letter to my birth mother was sent priority mail, so it had tracking on it--but who knows if she was the one to actually open it. The post adoption social worker with the agency who originally handled my adoption suggests I wait a month before calling birth mother, and at least another week before calling my birth father. After my initial phone call with him I sent some photos of myself, along with a note. No response thus far. I guess I just need to be more patient!

I don't have any hard and fast suggestions about how long to wait or whether you should attempt contact again. However, research indicates that temperament is at least partially genetic. So, your instincts might be your best barometer. Having said that, your mother is in her late 70s. There is a solid likelihood that she never told her husband or children about you, which means she may be paralyzed by fear right now. I don't recommend sending photos without an agreed upon reciprocity. Sometimes it is our only bargaining chip. You, too, might want photos, and you definitely should want a complete family medical history

Wow, I have just come back to this site after having been gone a while and I'm finding it difficult to work with. Just wrote a rather longish response, hit "reply" and POOF, its gone. WTH? Or maybe it will still how up, I don't know. So at the risk of being repetitious, I was saying that I'm a little confused about what kind of "bargaining chip" a photo would be? Although I agree that there are no hard and fast rules in this kind of thing, I feel that a photo is a great way to make that first introduction. This is an emotional thing for a b-mother, to get a first contact from her long lost child. Nothing will make it more real to her than a photo of her "baby" and is likely to prompt a response. This strategy worked for me, I sent a letter along with photos to my b-mother and heard from her the same day she received it. (but of course every single situation is different - different people, different circumstances. That is why there are no hard and fast rules).As I said in my last post that "disappeared", sensitivity is really your only guideline in how to make contact. Sending a photo is a nice gesture and shows that you are "for real". Because, face it, the first thing any b-mother is likely to wonder (whether she was hoping for contact or not) is whether this is REALLY her child. So a picture can literally be worth a thousand words.(Will try to post again and see what happens!)

Wow, I have just come back to this site after having been gone a while and I'm finding it difficult to work with. Just wrote a rather longish response, hit "reply" and POOF, its gone. WTH? Or maybe it will still show up, I don't know. So at the risk of being repetitious, I was saying that I'm a little confused about what kind of "bargaining chip" a photo would be? Although I agree that there are no hard and fast rules in this kind of thing, I feel that a photo is a great way to make that first introduction. This is an emotional thing for a b-mother, to get a first contact from her long lost child. Nothing will make it more real to her than a photo of her "baby" and is likely to prompt a response. This strategy worked for me, I sent a letter along with photos to my b-mother and heard from her the same day she received it. (but of course every single situation is different - different people, different circumstances. That is why there are no hard and fast rules). As I said in my last post that "disappeared", sensitivity is really your only guideline in how to make contact. Sending a photo is a nice gesture and shows that you are "for real". Because, face it, the first thing any b-mother is likely to wonder (whether she was hoping for contact or not) is whether this is REALLY her child. So a picture can literally be worth a thousand words. (Will try to post again and see what happens!)

Lisalu, I dont know if you have a continuing relationship with your mother or not. But, it sounds like your reunion was more successful than mine. I think adoptees need to proceed cautiously. Sometimes weҒre so excited to find our people that we think theyll be happy to exchange information with us. Like almost everything, interest in a reunion can be placed on a continuum. Some, on one end of the continuum, want to engage with us. With those types, photos can be sent without hesitation. But for those on the other end, who are more guarded or less interested in reunion, I would recommend holding back on sending photos (beyond maybe one baby photo). I think there needs to be a quid pro quo with the exchange of information. I sent photos to my mother wrongly believing that she would reciprocate. I didnҒt send them out of the blue. I asked in advance if she wanted to see them. I thought I wouldnt even have to ask for photos. I thought she would just send them shortly after receiving mine. She never did. So, I asked for photos and explained to her why photos are even more important to adoptees. It took at least a year of begging to get any photos from her, and the photos she gave me were scraps compared to what IҒd given to her. Most of them were taken from a distance. Looking back, I think it would have been better to write, Would you like to see photos of me? If you send me photos, IӒll send you some. I think thatԒs all she needed. She always wondered what I looked like. Once she got that information, she was satisfied. Yet, I was left with not getting two very important things from her: medical information and photos. She did eventually, after way too much begging, give me some poor pictures and incomplete medical information. Im still trying to get the missing medical information from her. ItҒs ridiculous. So, bargaining chip may not be the right term. Im saying donҒt give everything only to get nothing in return. Yes, a picture can be worth a thousand words. That's why we shouldn't send them without thinking first. Sometimes a mother doesn't need more than those thousand words to move on.

This forum is driving me nuts, this is the second time now I've posted a reply and it didn't show up!!!! Anyway, AGAIN, I was trying to say that in making contact with my birthmother, it never even occurred to me to withhold pictures as some kind of bargaining chip. I never had any intention of trying to force her to respond to me or have a relationship with me. All I wanted to do was put it out there "here I am" and then leave any further contact up to her (and I told her so in the letter.) If she had not wanted to respond or pursue it further, I would have accepted that. And honestly, you kind of have to be okay with that before ever making contact. We can't control - or especially manipulate - other people's feelings and reactions. Withholding photos in order to "bargain" seems tad manipulative to me, and it simply isn't my style. I went into this figuring that in my initial contact I'd just put it all out there to show her exactly who I am so she could decide how she wanted to respond (or not). If anything, I'd expect that seeing my photos would be an emotional tug - that is my baby! - that might tip the scales if she had any hesitation. Otherwise, I'd just be a theoretical, random person claiming to be her daughter. I'm not intending my remarks to be a criticism of how you or anyone else chooses to make contact. We all have different comfort levels with confrontation and/or rejection. Making contact and not knowing how it will be received makes us very vulnerable. Hopefully, though, we can go into it not expecting to have to "bargain" our way through it. I hope it works out for you and the OP as well.

This forum is driving me nuts, this is the second time now I've posted a reply and it didn't show up!!!! Anyway, AGAIN, I was trying to say that in making contact with my birthmother, it never even occurred to me to withhold pictures as some kind of bargaining chip. I never had any intention of trying to force her to respond to me or have a relationship with me. All I wanted to do was put it out there "here I am" and then leave any further contact up to her (and I told her so in the letter.) If she had not wanted to respond or pursue it further, I would have accepted that. And honestly, you kind of have to be okay with that before ever making contact. We can't control - or especially manipulate - other people's feelings and reactions. Withholding photos in order to "bargain" seem tad manipulative to me, and it simply isn't my style. I went into this figuring that in my initial contact I'd just put it all out there to show her exactly who I am so she could decide how she wanted to respond (or not). If anything, I'd expect that seeing my photos would be an emotional tug - that is my baby! - that might tip the scales if she had any hesitation. Otherwise, I'd just a theoretical, random person claiming to be her daughter. I'm not intending my remarks to be a criticism of how you or anyone else chooses to make contact. We all have different comfort levels with confrontation and/or rejection. Making contact and not knowing how it will be received makes us very vulnerable. Hopefully, though, we can go into it not expecting to have to "bargain" our way through it. I hope it works out for you and the OP as well.

As far as posting is concerned, yes, it's a problem. It's recommended that you copy your entire post before attempting to post it, so if it doesn't post, you can just paste it again. And, hopefully, it will work the second or third time around. People take the term "bargaining chip" the wrong way. That's why I changed it to quid pro quo.... My thoughts on photos have nothing to do with trying to keep a relationship going. It's not about the rejection. I went into all of this with my eyes wide open. I willing accepted that my mother didn't want to meet me. I also accepted that she did not want her children to know about me. That was fine. But, it doesn't seem right that my mother now knows exactly what I look like. If she saw me walking around in her metropolitan area, she would recognize me. But, I wouldn't be able to recognize her. I don't view quid pro quo as manipulative. I view it as a give and take. There is nothing manipulative about saying, "Hey, I'll give you pictures of me, if you'll give me pictures of you." It's called assertiveness. But, all of this is completely off-topic for the OP.

So what exactly is the issue with the forum here? It really isn't working right, at least not for me. I'm about to give up posting here. It will either post NOT AT ALL or it will post the same post in duplicate. Anyway, I think this is relevant to the OP in that she can see how each of us have had to figure this out for ourselves as we go along. There just aren't exact answers for how to make contact; whether or not to send photos; how long to wait to follow up. We are usually shooting in the dark, knowing nothing about the person we are contacting or their circumstances. We just have to follow our instincts and hope we have chosen the right approach.I really do wish for every single adoptee and birthparent, separated by closed adoption, the chance to find closure and peace - if not a full relationship, which may not always be possible because of timing and circumstances.To the OP, please keep us updated...

So what exactly is the issue with the forum here? It really isn't working right, at least not for me. I'm about to give up posting here. It will either post NOT AT ALL or it will post the same post in duplicate. Anyway, I think this is relevant to the OP in that she can see how each of us have had to figure this out for ourselves as we go along. There just aren't exact answers for how to make contact; whether or not to send photos; how long to wait to follow up. We are usually shooting in the dark, knowing nothing about the person we are contacting or their circumstances. We just have to follow our instincts and hope we have chosen the right approach. I really do wish for every single adoptee and birthparent, separated by closed adoption, the chance to find closure and peace - if not a full relationship, which may not always be possible because of timing and circumstances. To the OP, please keep us updated...

And just to follow up on what you said about "assertiveness", well I guess that right there explains the difference in our approaches. It was never my goal to be assertive. In fact, my goal was just the opposite - I only wanted to say "here I am... just in case you ever wanted to know me". I didn't want to force any issues, and I still don't. BTW, I also approached my birthfather out of the blue as well and I had the same "here I am - take it or leave it" approach. I didn't ask for anything from either birthparent, I just put it out there and let them decide what - if anything - they wanted to reciprocate.

And just to follow up on what you said about "assertiveness", well I guess that right there explains the difference in our approaches. It was never my goal to be assertive. In fact, my goal was just the opposite - I only wanted to say "here I am... just in case you ever wanted to know me". I didn't want to force any issues, and I still don't. BTW, I also approached my birthfather out of the blue as well and I had the same "here I am - take it or leave it" approach. I didn't ask for anything from either birthparent, I just put it out there and let them decide what - if anything - they wanted to reciprocate.

I don't think they're planning on fixing the problems with this website. Instead, they are working on a new one, so we are all expected to hang tight until the new one is up and running. The reason I think our conversation is slightly off-topic is that the OP wasn't asking about photos. The OP only mentioned sending photos in passing. I don't think assertiveness is "forcing an issue." That's aggressiveness. With assertiveness, I'm stating my needs, and the other individual can decide whether to help me meet those needs or not. And, it certainly is not "forcing an issue, " to say if you send pictures, I'll do the same. And, I'm in no way saying your approach is wrong. I just think it's important for people to hear other thoughts about pictures. All too often we hear that we should send them. We'll, I did, and I wish I hadn't.

To L4R, I'm really sorry it didn't work out for you. For me sending the photos was a good thing - for you, not. Again, it is just second guessing when you have no idea how your overture will be received.To the OP, who I assume is in my age group (I was born in 1962), and to L4R as well, I hope you get the answers and/or closure you seek. Sadly, the stigma carried by illegitimacy still casts a shadow over our birthmothers' generation. Hopefully as attitudes have changed, this situation will soon become a thing of the past. Meanwhile there are many thousands of us seeking answers in a way that can often end in heartbreak for everyone involved. I wish it never had to be that way for anyone.

To L4R, I'm really sorry it didn't work out for you. For me sending the photos was a good thing - for you, not. Again, it is just second guessing when you have no idea how your overture will be received. To the OP, who I assume is in my age group (I was born in 1962), and to L4R as well, I hope you get the answers and/or closure you seek. Sadly, the stigma carried by illegitimacy still casts a shadow over our birthmothers' generation. Hopefully as attitudes have changed, this situation will soon become a thing of the past. Meanwhile there are many thousands of us seeking answers in a way that can often end in heartbreak for everyone involved. I wish it never had to be that way for anyone.