Deceased bf speaks from the grave

I have poured over the forum and haven't seen anything like the situation in which I find myself. To preface, I'm a baby boomer from the 1960s, adopted at birth. Always knew it and was brought up by wonderful, loving parents. I guess I'm in the minority after reading many threads here but I never looked for my birth parents. I always thought I had been given up for a good reason, probably that the bparents were young and incapable of handling a young child. I ended up in a middle class family, not wealthy but never wanted for anything. Lived in a nice working-class neighborhood. Mom and Dad sent me to college and I've lived a very blessed and successful adult life. Recently I was contacted by an attorney representing the estate of my bfather who apparently passed away. I've been told he was a young kid when I was conceived and that he has 3 children, which would be 1/2 sisters to me, all of them younger. Questions: He specifically named me in his will, leaving me some money. How would he have known my adoptive name? My parents have told me only the bmother was in court. bfather was a minor and would have had no say in the proceedings. What do you, other adoptees make of this, that bf knew my name, never made an attempt to contact me, told NO ONE in his family about me, yet has bequeathed some money to me? And what do I do with these half siblings? My amom is still alive and my own kids do not know that I'm adopted. Mainly because Mom didn't openly talk about my being adopted out in the public, even though I was always told I had been adopted. The attorney is telling me that the siblings are trying to find me. I'm not adverse to learning about them and maybe even sharing information. But after reading some of these bad reunion threads I am really apprehensive to start a relationship w/people who I've never met. Plus I'm somewhat concerned that I'm going to be painted the money grubber who just shows up out of nowhere to take part of their dad's estate. It just seems more often than not that these reunions don't last over time. I read in some article that 60% end in no further contact after a few years. I'm having a hard time wrapping my hands around this when it's going to completely turn my life upside down. Ironically I feel like the bparents in some of these other threads who were less than thrilled when an adoptee pops up out of the past.

Your father by birth had ZERO rights to contest an adoption in the 1960's, nor to even be provided notice - whether he was a minor or had reached the age of majority. It wasn't until 1972 that things started to change and they are still abysmal for unwed fathers. As to how he knew, things weren't as secret as people would have you believe, nor as black and white. If he was a minor, it stands to reason that she was also a minor, or at least still lived with her parents as was the norm. How he would know - your mother by birth - or his parents, through her parents. Never under estimate that people knew, they just didn't speak publicly back then. It was drilled into parents by birth that they were NEVER to make contact. That was beyond the pale. When we were born, the mere thought that we would ever want to know where we came from did not fit with the blank slate assimilation theory widely accepted as fact. If an adoptee wanted to know, they were maladjusted and needed help. You kids NEED to know you were adopted, if only to provide an accurate family medical history to their doctors. They also need to know because privacy is a thing of the past. What will you tell them when they come and ask you why their DNA tests identify that they are in the BROWN family surname group, but your surname is SMITH. They may feel that you have not been completely truthful with them - and they are correct, while you mom and dad are your mom and dad, you are also adopted. If you start relationships with the new neighbor that moved in two houses down, do you worry that you may have a bad relationship - or - do you just see what develops? Why not have an open mind with someone biologically related to you? Yes, reunion and relationships have challenges, everything in life does. The biggest challenge I take away is that one side has been preparing for the day for a long time and the other side (in this case it is you or both sides) have not and expectations and feelings are not in sync. The next biggest challenge is that unknown emotions can take the adoptee by surprise and those have to be processed. Not all reunions are hard but some are. Making new friends is always a crap-shoot so why wouldn't people expect reunions to be. That is a real risk - I think it might depend on two things. One being whether this is a complete surprise to them which hopefully it isn't - one would hope that they knew. The second is the amount of the bequest, with you named specifically they won't be able to contest the fact that legally you are not your fathers son (assuming you are male) - because legally you aren't entitled to be an automatic heir because you are legally your mom and dad's child, not his. Not all families will fight about money - some will, some won't. Would you? I'd consider how you would feel and assume seeing as they are related to you that they may have similar feelings and beliefs. There are no statistics on adoption reunions that are worth the paper they are printed on, seeing as there is approximately six million adoptees from our era. Compounded by the fact that we are all unique and have different strengths, weaknesses, temperaments, expectations. I'd be in the 40% - I was welcomed with open arms by most - I was also raised that it was normal to be curious, and by knowing my family of birth it was not disrespectful to mom and dad and my family - it just meant I had more family. There are six million adoptees from our era - there will be good reunions and bad reunions. My father couldn't even honor my request to have updated family health history to provide to my doctors who asked me to get it. It is what it is. It did hurt that he could be so brazenly callous of my need - but whatever - he is the one who has to live with himself. At the end of the day - you need to do what is right for you and think long and hard on how you will feel down the road - take a gander at what you thought at 20 and consider what you now think and whether that will change when you are 60... Kind regards, Dickons

Dickons: Thank you so much for your input. After reading it I realized I hadn't been clear on some items, and have also found some additional information which I'll address in the order that they appear: 1. I had no idea that fathers, even those who'd reached the age of majority, had no rights in adoption proceedings back then. Thank you for pointing that out. I assumed he probably spoke w/birthmom after the proceedings and she told him my name but wondered if there could've been any other way. 2. I agree about my kids. I should've been more detailed when I first wrote but our oldest (grown and gone) does know. It's been my decision, right or wrong, to wait until they're young adults. My other 2 kids are not there yet. I'll be telling middle child within the next 2 yrs, and youngest in about 4 yrs. Or, if Mom dies before that I will tell them then. As I said before, it's a matter of respect for my mom who has always felt uneasy about the topic. She's my mom and I want to protect her. As for bf, this man was only the sperm donor, he was not and never will be my dad. My dad raised me, put food in my belly, clothes on my back, took me fishing, put car keys in my hand and paid for my college education. 3. New siblings/bf family and friends- I've done some research myself and there are some criminal issues. Drugs, firearms, etc. I'm about as straight laced as they come and have 0 friends/family with such things. This more than anything is my biggest concern. Attorney tells me the kids had no prior knowledge of me. They'd never heard my name until literally the reading of the will. They've since asked bf's siblings and they all declare ignorance as well. A life-long best friend of bf swears that bf never breathed a word of me to him either. The money, depending on a person's economic status, could be important. To me it's not life-changing, year-changing or even month-changing money. But to them it could be a lot. For me it would make about 3 mortgage payments. And I have put myself in their shoes. I would be pretty defensive if some stranger was able to stake claim to my inheritance. The attorney tells me it goes to my state's unclaimed funds dept since it's earmarked to me specifically, if I don't take it. My state, a decade or so back, offered a clearinghouse type of thing where adoptees could request medical info and birth parents could approve release of such info all the while our identities remained confidential. I thought it was important to know my family's medical history. I did register with this service but neither bf or bm ever did. It's another item that just doesn't add up especially knowing now that he knew me all these decades. Thanks again for your input. Hopefully this add'l info helps.

He could have hired a PI and found you through that, some states release their birth index and adoptees have been found that way - far simplest is that he always knew. I'm sorry she's lived with being uneasy about adoption - that would be hard. As long as your children as adults know - that's what is important to protect them and ensure your relationship isn't stressed by keeping secrets or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not of the mindset that the next generation has to be told early like an adoptee should be so there is never a reveal - it's different, they aren't adopted. You and I can agree to disagree - I was raised different - I use the terms mom and dad used to identify my parents by birth - my mother and father. To me there is a different connotation between the terms mom and dad (familiarity, relationship) and mother and father (which are titles that designate with respect for who they are, and how they are related to me). You feel what you feel and that's okay. I'd be concerned to - use your judgement - it seems to have got you through life this far. It was probably made very clear that NO ONE was ever to know and as the man, he wasn't the one sent away or would have his reputation in ruins. Even his parents wouldn't have suffered the stigma and shame her family would have if the knowledge of an unwed pregnancy was revealed in the community. (speaking of the middle class families of the era) If you don't wish to claim the money - I'd consider two different options: 1. What happens if you refuse in writing to receive the bequest - does it still go to the state or does it go back into the estate to be shared by the other beneficiaries? 2. If it does go to the state and not back into the estate - could you gift it to a charity that operates where your half-siblings live - kind of a this is the only way I can give it back. If you don't want contact then see if there is a way you can do it anonymously (unless they already know your name which they probably do). Neither probably knew of the change in the law. It's surprising how little education and promotion these things have, more of a blink and you miss it. I had no idea that adoptees could request and obtain a non-id record from their adoption about their social and/or medical history. I had no idea my state had a confidential intermediary program to facilitate reunions - I just knew my records were sealed and never thought to ask. I didn't even know you could petition the courts for good cause - until I needed it. Even now in states where the adoptee's original birth certificate is unsealed and available upon request - tens of thousands of adoptees born in those states have no idea the law changed. I have no idea how computer literate you are or if you are on FB. If you are concerned I'd be tempted to set up some type of google alert to let you know if anyone searches your name. I'd also take the time if you are on FB to lock down your profile and learn about what your friends setting are as far as accessing your page. Kind regards, Dickons

Each time I post - I forget to say this... Your father by birth did something most fathers by birth don't - acknowledged you in the most explicit way he could without ever meeting you. I hope it makes you feel kindly to him and if you do end up donating the money - perhaps a reference to him may be helpful? Kind regards, Dickons

I am one of the few people in this country who isn't on Facebook. It only took a few minutes to see the inane stuff on my wife's FB account and decided that wasn't for me. Your last comment has been bouncing around in my head for days now. After reading all of the various outcomes when reunited w/bparents I should (and do) feel an appreciation for him. This has been his way of finally getting to acknowledge me and it was probably quite a liberating feeling for him. It's sad to think that he literally carried that secret to his grave for 50+ yrs, not telling even his closest friends. That had to have been a heavy burden. It certainly mattered to him otherwise he wouldn't have included me in his will. That is admirable to be sure. I've decided to discuss this with my attorney on what my options are. If I do keep the money I'd probably use it for college tuition; I'll have 2 in college in the fall and could use it. It would be going to the betterment of his grand kids, an honorable use of it.

The plot thickens. The lawyer's office called me and said I wasn't the 'John Smith' that they were looking for. A second 'John Smith', within 50 miles of me, born the same year has the same adopted name as I do (and it's not a common surname) turned out to be the biological match. Apparently one of the sisters of the BF finally came forward as said she knew where the real 'John Smith' was raised and where he was living. What are the odds of 2 50+ yr old men named the same and both were adopted at birth? Living very close to each other? I am somewhat relieved because I had been given photos of the supposed birth father and I had seen no resemblance at all. I had even looked at his high school yearbook picture and saw nothing there either. I had also done some digging and one of the half siblings had been arrested for meth, firearms and neglect of a minor. I really didn't want to be related to people like that. A very strange twist and I now go back to not knowing anything about my birth parents.

Hey Boomer, You'd be surprised how many duplicates of your name is out there - I was surprised but doing family trees on ancestry clearly shows it happens a lot. That they too were adopted in the same year - does lessen the odds but there were tens of thousands of babies adopted every year in our era... Do you think you can go back to living your life like before, now that even if they weren't the people you would have wanted to be related to - twigged something? I was okay for most of the time knowing I would never know because that is what it was. Unlike you, I had, and did passively search - looking for someone looking for me... Once I had the key - I had to open the door...mine turned out to be a family just like my family.... Good luck and if you ever change your mind - there are ways you can passively search, and your state may have restored your rights. Cheers, Dickons

I honestly don't know Dickons. I guess if he had turned out to be my bio-dad I would have tried to find out from his sisters who the mother was. They definitely know; how else could they have known that the 'real' son lived in the other community. But even before I was told this was a false alarm, I didn't feel any connection. I was appreciative that he named me (or so I was given that impression) in his will. I didn't shed any tears; I cried like a baby while holding my dad's hand as he died in front of me. As for the odds of this occurring: My surname isn't even in the top 100 of the most common in the US, according to wikipedia. Add the factors: Both given up for adoption at birth Both adopted to a family with that uncommon surname Both born in the same year Both born within a 25 mile radius of birth parents' hometown (one north, one east) Those odds are staggering.

My advice for you would be to do whatever your heart tells you is right. It may not be a bad idea to accept contact with your siblings, and try to start a relationship. God bless you, hun! <3

Carmen: Thanks for the kind words but it turns out they aren't my siblings. Read my post of 4-1-15. It all turned out to be a false alarm. Someone else with my exact adopted name was the bio son to the man who died. His kids are not related to me in any way.